Page 68 of Hateful
He nods. “When I came in after theincident, you were gone. I went out to find you …” A stab of guilt runs through me as I realize that I was probably breaking into the records room for the headmistress at that point. “… But I couldn’t, so I came back to wait for you here. You were asleep.”
I look at the clock. I vaguely remember waking up at some point in the night last night, tossing and turning while guilt racked my stomach. I don’t remember falling asleep again.
“Eat,” Rafael says, pointing at the sandwich a second time.
I reach for the bag and pull out the sandwich. It’s simple, just ham and cheese on white bread, but I end up scarfing it down. I’m hungrier than I realized. I grab the water bottle and chug the entire thing like I spent the night before at the pub in the village, not holed up in here under an enormous pile of blankets.
Rafael watches me impassively. When I’m done, I shove the empty bottle back into the bag.
“So—did you get my shoes cleaned?”
“Are you deaf? I told you they were outside the door.”
I frown. “Who would’ve done that?”
“Who knows? Beck maybe?”
That makes me snort. “Right.” I sigh and fall back on my bed. “I need to go ahead and go for a run before it gets too late.”
“Are you serious?” Rafael snaps, startling me. “You’re going to go for a run today? After everything that happened?”
I shrug. “What else am I gonna do? Hide in the dorm? I have to leave this room eventually to go to class; might as well get it over with.” My outside calm belies my inner turmoil. I’m scared shitless, wracked with anxiety. Sure, nobody realized my lack of a penis, but everyone saw my underwear. I’m not even sure if it was obvious that it was the pants at fault.
But that’s not really what I’m worried about.
I keep thinking about what happened after.
Rafael sighs heavily and reaches for the novel on his bedside table. “Alex, I don’t understand you. Go for your stupid run if you have to.” He lays down on his back and opens the book above him. “Just remember to stay hydrated.”
I sit up. “Do you wanna come with?”
Without looking at me, and with the flattest tone I’ve ever heard, he replies, “I would rather slice open my stomach and tie myself down with my own entrails.”
“No need to be so gruesome,” I say, getting up to start putting on my running clothes.
“Just telling the truth.”
I slip my feet into my newly cleaned shoes and head for the door.
It’s nearing the end of the school year, I realize as I jog out toward my usual trail. It’s springtime, heading into summer. The weather is really warm. Absently, I wonder if I’ll keep up this running thing when I go home. I’ve come to enjoy it, and I don’t want to lose my progress before I come back in the fall.
For the first time since the incident yesterday, I feel a true swell of relief.
When I come back.For a moment there, I really thought this was all over. I really thought I was going to be expelled.
It’ll be a lonely run today, but I know I’m up for it. Heath can die in a fire for all I care. I ran alone when I first started—I can run alone again.
I’ve had enough of boys whose balls seem to disappear each time it matters the most.
I make my way to the first bend in the trail, come around the corner … and freeze in my tracks.
Heath looks up from his phone. An uneasy smile stretches across his face when he sees me.
“Hey,” he says quietly. “I was starting to wonder if you’d show.”
My hands curl into fists. “What the fuck are you doing here?”
He must have been waiting here for hours.
