Page 90 of Always Beth
‘Have you taken a home pregnancy test?’
‘No,’ I say sheepishly.
‘Why not?’
My mouth falls open as no answer comes out. I suddenly feel rather foolish, but I never saw this coming and going to the shops for a test was the last thing on my mind.
‘Honestly? I’ve wanted this for a long time, but I’ve never been pregnant and I’ve had so much going on in my life this past year and I haven’t felt right for months and I’ve put it down to other things, but I’m afraid that it’s all in my head and I—’
‘Bethany, let’s do a test.’
Handing me a small plastic cup, she directs me to the bathroom. Every step I take feels heavy, and I can’t quite believe that at the age of thirty-four I’ve let my shit fall so dramatically apart that I didn’t even notice the absence of my period. Not that they were like clockwork to begin with, but four months is a stretch by anyone’s imagination. As I hover over the cup I laugh to myself, to think I started the morning trying to book a vets appointment and here I am, weeing into a cup with the circumference of a two pence piece.
As I sit back in front of the doctor she places a test strip into the pot and we wait whilst she taps away at her keyboard. ‘This wasn’t planned then?’
‘No.’
Turning, she raises an eyebrow. ‘But you had unprotected sex?’
‘Well, I was on the pill, but we didn’t use a condom.’
‘Ah, well I don’t think I need to tell you that sometimes these things happen.’
I nod as a wave of embarrassment passes over me.
‘These things never happened when I was with my ex-husband,’ I mutter. All of a sudden, part of me is relieved that they didn’t.
‘Sometimes people aren’t compatible. Sometimes things happen when we least expect and sometimes things happen just the way they were supposed to.’
The way they were supposed to.I don’t even know where the father is.
‘Congratulations, you are indeed pregnant.’
My bottom lip trembles as I grasp at the fabric of my shirt, spreading my hands across my stomach. ‘I thought this was too many custard creams.’
‘We’ll need to get you a scan booked in to date the pregnancy, but I expect from your dates you are probably around seventeen to eighteen weeks.’
I nod slowly as I try to take everything in. The night before the funeral flashes through my mind; I’ve pushed it from my thoughts so many times. What I thought was a goodbye has turned into something else entirely. I felt every emotion that night. He poured his heart and soul into every last moment of it and despite thinking he couldn’t give me what I deserve, he has actually given me the world.
‘Is the father involved?’
Her question brings me back to the present and my chest tightens as I think of us in the cottage alone without him. I shake my head as I look down at my stomach. ‘No, it’s just us and the six dogs.’
‘Six dogs?’
‘One of the dogs is a sex addict. I think he takes after his owner.’ I laugh as I rub my stomach.
‘If he knew, he’d be here in a heartbeat,’ she says warmly.
‘I—’
‘This is a village surgery, Beth, there aren’t many men young enough or virile enough around here to achieve an unplanned pregnancy.’
Panic rises inside me as she breaks into a smile. ‘Patient confidentiality,’ she says as she taps her nose. I relax as I throw my bag over my shoulder. I glance at the paperwork in my hand, in two weeks I’ll get to see my baby.My baby.
* * *
This was never how I imagined this moment. Whenever I looked into the future and envisioned this precise moment in my life, I always imagined lying here tightly clutching my partner’s hand as we gazed longingly at the screen waiting to see our baby for the first time. Instead, here I am alone and uncomfortable. So uncomfortable.
