Page 91 of Always Beth
‘This is going to be cold.’ As she squirts the gel on my stomach, I barely even flinch. It’s like I’m desensitised to everything right now. The hammering sound that suddenly fills the room draws me back. ‘What’s that?’ I glance at the screen in panic.
The sonographer smiles down at me. ‘That’s your baby’s heartbeat.’
I stare at the screen in awe of my baby, the perfect result of one last night of passion. Images flash before my eyes as they have done time and time again. I never imagined being a single parent, but perhaps this is the way it’s supposed to be. Silence falls across the room and a stabbing anxiety grips me immediately. All I ask is that everything is okay. I’m prepared to do it on my own, I just need everything to be okay.
My eyes are pinned to the sonographer. ‘Is everything alright?’
‘Everything’s fine. Would you like to know the gender?’
Again, this is one of those questions you decide together, should we, shouldn’t we? The only person having to reach a decision now is me and, after leaving so much to chance over the years, this time I’m going to take control.
‘Yes please.’
‘Congratulations, you’re having a girl.’
A daughter.I’d have been happy whatever it was but knowing I’m carrying a girl fills me with a warmth I wasn’t prepared for. I’ll be there for her no matter what, unlike my own parents. I try as hard as possible not to think of James, but knowing I have a part of him inside me, I just can’t help myself. I wonder what she’ll look like, whether she’ll be more like me or him. If she’s like him though she’s more likely to resemble…
‘Shit.’
‘Is everything okay?’ The sonographer looks down with concern.
‘Er, yeah, there’s definitely just one baby, isn’t there?’
She turns back to the screen and studies it once more. I don’t think it’s something she’d have missed.
‘No definitely one. Why?’
‘The father’s a twin.’
‘Identical?’
‘Oh no.’
‘Non-identical twins tend to run on the mother’s side, your odds are no greater than the rest of the population unless it runs in your family.’
I stare back at the screen as I process my crash course in genetics. I’m sure I’d know if there were twins in my family history. I don’t know why I’m even worrying, it’s not like we have any future siblings planned. Hell, I don’t even know where he is.
‘I’ll get you some photos printed in case you’d like to show your family.’
I smile weakly.Great, I’m sure Dick and Poppy are going to be really interested.
* * *
It’s been months since I tried his number.
I wish I’d had more restraint after being demoted from lover to dogsitter. I didn’t even find it this hard with Stephen, I guess I’d months to get used to the idea of being alone whilst suspecting him of an affair. James though, he blindsided me.
A few days ago I was on the verge of moving on and putting everything behind me, now I’ve been careered off in another direction. Something I’ve longed for but in a way never imagined.
There’s no doubt in my mind that I can do this alone, but I’m not a woman to keep the existence of a child from its father either. I tentatively hover over his name and Dick immediately appears out of nowhere, it must be a sign. I hit call and wait, and I wait.The number you have dialled cannot be recognised.
‘The absolute fucker,’ I mutter.
I drop my phone to the table in disbelief and stare down at Dick, like he has all the answers. What the hell am I going to do? In the grand scheme of things, he’s just a man I slept with over a very short period of time, a man who has very little family and the one remaining family member I know of is about as likely to know his whereabouts as I do. The only person I can think of is Caroline and that’s going to be downright embarrassing. Despite the legal aspect of my divorce being over, the financial settlement is yet to be finalised. It’s amazing how long one slimeball politician can drag things out. He’s obviously too busy with glossy magazine shoots with his new fiancée and their offspring to actually sign any of the land transfer documents. Up until now I’ve continued to let Caroline deal with it at her pace, but I’m sick of it all, from now on its my way, or no way. I owe it to my daughter to be a mother she can be proud of.
James
Ever since my night out with the office, nights in alone aren’t cutting it anymore. But watching Argentinian football isn’t my thing either and if I asked Elize out after work for a drink every day she’d think I have a problem, also I’m sure her boyfriend would have something to say about it. So, I’ve sought solace in a quiet bar not far from my apartment every evening since. It’s not the most modern of establishments and as the fan above me continues to circulate warm air I feel increasingly uncomfortable. Sliding my jacket off and throwing it over the chair back, I roll the sleeves of my shirt and focus my attention on the tumbler of amber liquid and ice in front of me. It’s about the only thing putting me to sleep these days. The intensity of someone’s gaze burns into me from across the bar and I raise my line of sight just enough to see a woman raise her glass in my direction. I can’t deny she’s stunning and as she runs fingers through her hair and bites down seductively on her bottom lip, I wish things were as simple as they used to be. I nod in response and immediately look away. It used to come so easy for me, to meet a woman on a night out and take her back to mine for no-strings sex without a second thought. Now I’ve realised how meaningless the years I spent with my dick buried in a different woman every weekend actually were. I’ve got nothing to show for it and most of the time it wasn’t as fulfilling as it should have been. Sure, the sex was good, better than going solo, but it’s not like anything with these women turned into a long-term thing. That time would have been better spent with Lauren, making memories. I’ve wasted my life and have nothing to show for it. Twin-less and wife-less at forty. My mind wanders back to the office at home and I bet Caroline and Mark are cursing me, dropping off the face of the planet isn’t exactly the most professional behaviour I’ve ever exhibited. If they really wanted to contact me though I know they would, they have my personal email, it’s not like I’m completely off-grid. I drain my glass and grab my jacket, signalling to the barman as I leave. The evening is drawing in and if I’m lucky I’ll get home just in time for that final drink to kick in and send me straight to sleep.
