Page 100 of Always Beth
‘Uh, Beth, why are there six dogs in the kitchen?’
I slowly open one eye to an audience of Poppy, Dick and their puppies.
‘You know what they say about dogs and their owners…’
James
Today’s the day. One whole week of trips back and forth to the hospital and they’re both coming home. I’ve been sitting in the car staring at the entrance to the maternity ward for what feels like a lifetime. I didn’t think when I was coming here with Lauren that I’d be back within the same year collecting my daughter. As I make my way through the car park, glancing down at the empty car seat, I feel an overwhelming sense of responsibility unlike anything before. There’s no looking back now and I’m going to make up for all the time I’ve missed through the pregnancy. I slow as I see them both. Beth was born to be a mother and I’m in awe of her strength. She’s been so focused on Lorena over the last few days that we’ve hardly had a chance to talk about anything other than formula and nappies, but now I’m taking them both home, it’s the perfect chance for me to tell her how I really feel, about both of them.
‘Ready?’ I smile.
She glances up at me and nods. I’ve never seen someone so beautiful and so exhausted at the same time. I reach out to take Lorena from her arms and she stands quickly, pulling her into her body. ‘It’s fine I can do it.’ Gathering their belongings, she clips her into the car seat.
‘You can carry her to the car if you like?’ I offer.
‘No, it’s fine. You do it.’
The walk to the car is silent and the excitement I felt on the way in here slowly drains from my body; I don’t know what I was expecting, but it wasn’t this. She slips into the rear of the car without a word and watches closely as I slot the car seat into place. ‘Are you not getting in the front with me?’ I mumble in an attempt to hide my disappointment.
‘No, she might need me.’
The drive home is torturous, it’s like we’ve forgotten how to communicate. Every so often I glance in the rear-view mirror and silently plead with her to look up, just once, but it never happens. Over the past few days, she’s grown increasingly more distant. I thought she needed some space, but as a sense of dread fills me, I realise that it’s more than that.
As I pull up outside the cottage, the atmosphere in the car becomes heavy and my hand hovers over the ignition in anticipation.
‘What are we doing here?’ Beth looks towards the cottage and my heart immediately drops. ‘Take me back to my cottage. Why are we here?’
‘I thought that there’d be more space for us—’
‘Us?’
I knew this was a bad idea, but I’d remained hopeful that we could all be together. She laughs quietly to herself, staring intently out the window. ‘Did you think you could just walk back in and pick up where you left off? Move on, you said, and just because you’re back, I’m not going to stop doing that.’
‘Beth—’
‘No, James, take us home.’
Within a matter of minutes, we are back outside her cottage and as I help them from the car, I am overwhelmed with regret. I follow her to the door, hovering, hoping for an invitation inside.
‘Where are the dogs?’ she snaps.
‘They’re all at mine.’
‘Well bring them back, they’re not your responsibility.’
‘Dick’s mine,’ I say firmly.
She shakes off her coat roughly and tosses it on the staircase. ‘Oh, your dog now, is he? He wasn’t your dog for the last nine months. Fine, keep him, do what makes you happy, break his heart as well.’
Deep down I knew I’d broken her, but I didn’t think it was beyond repair. I was a fool to think I could walk back in here and nothing would have changed and an even bigger fool to think that the birth of our daughter would have healed the rift that’s formed between us.
‘I’m so sorry, Beth.’ My eyes fill with tears and my chest tightens as I prepare to leave them both.
‘So am I,’ she whispers.
I turn and walk along the path, deflated and heartbroken, as I’ve done many times, but this time she feels further out of reach than she ever has.
‘James…’
