Page 101 of Always Beth
I turn to face her and her eyes glisten as she clutches tightly onto the cottage door. ‘She’s your daughter, nothing will ever change that. You can see her as much as you want.’
I nod and turn, slowly making my way back to the car. From the driver’s seat, I wait for her to close the door and exhale every last ounce of air in my lungs. I’m going to fix this. By the time I’m done, she’ll have no reason to doubt that I’d leave her ever again.
Beth
He’s been here morning, noon and night for the past two weeks and I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t grateful. He’s allowed me to sleep and without him I think I would have started to go mad. He dotes on Lorena and every time we have a visitor, I swear his eyes burn through their very soul if they so much as look at her the wrong way. After she was born, I was so wrapped up with how it happened that I almost forgot he’d hurt me. The truth is I’m scared to let him back in.
‘You’re so beautiful, my precious girl, just like your mummy.’
My breath catches in my throat as I hear him talk to her as he lays her down for her nap. It’s not the first time I’ve heard these words. When he thinks I’m not listening, he whispers his hopes and promises for the future and it makes my heart full. I know he means every word and he’ll never let her down. I wish I had as much confidence for us. The way he looks at me every night when he leaves sets my soul on fire and I ache for him like I’ve never ached before. But my pride won’t allow it. After what I went through with Stephen, I swore I’d never let another man hurt me and letting James in so soon after my separation resulted in a heartbreak worse than I could ever imagine.
‘She’s out for the count, what on earth has that milk got in it?’ He laughs.
‘It’s just breast milk,’ I mutter. I’m currently sterilising the bottles for what feels like the millionth time today and I don’t think my brain can take the monotony of it much longer. If it wasn’t for him sharing the feeds, I wouldn’t even express in the first place.
‘Here let me.’ Nudging me gently at the hip, he moves me out of the way to take over.
‘Beth, I need to talk to you…’
My mouth goes dry, I knew it wouldn’t be long until he brought up the topic of us again and I don’t think I’m ready.
‘James—’
‘No, Beth, listen. I’ve got to go back to London. I’ve got to sort some things out at the firm, it’s going to take a few weeks and I’m reluctant to leave you both so soon, I was hoping you might consider coming?’
To London? I can’t go back to London. Hell, I wasn’t even still supposed to be here, but Lorena’s early arrival changed all that.
‘I can’t, I’m sorry.’
His face falls as he tries to hide his disappointment. He begins to rearrange the bottles for the second time and it’s clear he’s struggling with the rejection. Reaching out, I wrap my hand around his forearm and the sensation of his taught muscles sends a sudden jolt through my body.
‘What’s happening at the firm?’ I ask, almost afraid of the answer.
‘I’m taking silk.’ His face remains firm as he turns and leans against the worktop.
‘That’s amazing. I’m so happy for you.’
‘Thank you, I should have done it years ago. I think it will be good for us, I mean Lorena, because you know the money’s great and she’ll want for nothing.’
With everything that’s happened over the past few weeks, I’d all but nearly forgotten that he paid my legal fees in a roundabout way. Does he think that money’s the answer every time?
‘It’s not about the money, money isn’t a replacement for time, James.’
‘Is this about your legal fees?’
‘You had no right.’ I cross my arms in defiance as he looks on uncomfortably. ‘Now you think that Lorena needs your money as well, but all she needs is your time and your love. She’s going to want you around, that’s all I…’ I stop myself as I realise it’s too late to change the past, he did what he thought was right at the time, as long as things are different for Lorena that’s all that matters. ‘I didn’t expect you to pay that’s all I’m saying and I don’t want you thinking I’m ungrateful, so here.’ I rummage in my bag for the cheque I tried to force upon Caroline.Oh god, it’s a state.
‘What’s this?’ He frowns, squinting closely at the wording. ‘Oh I’m not taking that, Beth.’ He thrusts it back towards me.
‘Please take it, give it to charity, I don’t want there to be anything between us.’
His face falls once more and all of a sudden this has become about more than the money. ‘Anything between us? We have a daughter.’
‘I know, we’ll always have that.’
Stepping forward, he takes the cheque from my hands and studies it once more before slowly tearing it in two. ‘Put it in an account for Lorena.’
He slides his body past me and I freeze at the close contact, things are already tense between us and the sensation of him against me after all this time makes things that little bit more unbearable.
