Page 73 of Malice and Surrender
“My parents died when I was six. I shouldn’t be able to remember it so clearly. I mean… I was six. Who remembers what happened to them at that age?” I asked, not expecting a response.
“What happened?” Avro asked, his voice full of concern.
“They were addicts. As far as I know, my mom got clean long enough to have me but couldn’t stay off them once I was born. I remember going to the hospital once, not long before they died. She’d been locked up in this special wing that made me uncomfortable.” I stopped and licked my lips as I gathered myself.
“I was terrified of being there, but didn’t know how to say it, so my dad held me in his arms, and I just hid my face in his neck.”
I put my hands in my lap and looked down at them as I played with Kai’s ring. Even after last night, I still haven’t taken it off.
“It wasn’t until years later that I understood she’d tried to get clean again. It was some sort of a rehab facility, but I’m pretty sure she left before it was finished.” I shook my head. “I wish I’d been old enough to help her. It may not have worked, but I would’ve tried.”
“So where did she pass away?” Avro asked.
“At home. It was like any other Friday. I was picked up from the babysitter’s house, and we ate dinner like a normal family. We even played a few hands of Go Fish. It was bedtime when their friends started to arrive. I recognized the other faces. They’d been over before, but just like all the other nights, I never spoke to them.”
I took a deep breath as I remembered my mom and dad tucking me in and kissing me goodnight, saying I needed to stay in bed. It was far too late for little girls to be awake. I bit my lower lip as the images of that night flashed before my eyes as clearly as if it had just happened.
“I’d fallen asleep, but I woke up and needed to pee and get a drink. When I called out, no one came. I could hear music playing and crawled out of my bed with my blue bear tucked under my arm.”
I lifted my head and realized Avro was parked at work, and I hadn’t even noticed we’d stopped moving. “The party was them all getting high. All six of them were lying on the furniture and the floor and were very still. I remember thinking how strange that was. My parents were near a large chair I used to sit in to watch cartoons, and I tip-toed closer. I didn’t want to wake anyone else, but I didn’t have to worry about that.”
“They all died?”
I nodded. “Tainted drugs. All six of them were gone or in the process of dying. I don’t really know. I reached out and nudged my mom’s arm, but she wouldn’t wake up, so I went into the kitchen and got myself a glass of water.” I licked my parched lips. “Being brave, I decided to use an adult glass, but once I filled it with water, it was too heavy and slipped through my hands and smashed on the floor.” The glass had seemed to fall in slow motion, and when it hit, little pieces went everywhere. “I thought for sure that my mom or dad were going to wake up and come storming in, but they didn’t.”
“Holy shit, Raine. I’m so sorry. So then, what happened?”
I shrugged. “I tried to clean up the mess but cut myself on my hands and feet, and I was crying. I went to my parents again, and they still wouldn’t wake up.” As I recalled that night, I put a hand over my mouth, feeling a small pang of emotion for the first time. “I was bleeding and scared, so I took my mom’s phone, and I remember fumbling, trying to get it to work, but finally I got it open, and I called my babysitter. I was crying so hard that she could barely understand me and said she was on her way over.”
I leaned on the door and stared up at the club. “I don’t know why, but I’ve never felt anything until now. It was all just this blank void in my heart. I’ve rarely even thought about it. Does that make me a bad person?”
“No, Raine, you’re not a bad person. Do you mean you don’t feel bad that they died?”
I locked eyes with Avro. “Sorta. I just don’t really feel anything. Don’t get me wrong, I understand now that they were addicts, but they were both good to me when they weren’t getting high. I can’t say they were terrible people and mistreated me or left me places.” I sighed, trying to collect my thoughts.
“The thing is, when I think of them, I see their dead faces looking so peaceful, their heads touching like they’d fallen asleep resting on one another. I feel like they died doing the one thing they loved more than anything. Loved more than me. Is that the whole truth of the situation? Maybe not, but it’s still how I feel.” I lifted my shoulders and let them drop.
Avro reached out and grabbed my hand again. This time, he brought my cut knuckles to his lips and kissed each one.
“I worry, Avro. I worry that I’m always going to be damaged and broken. Something is wrong with me inside, and I can’t put my finger on how to explain it to anyone.” I turned my head to look him in the eyes. “I’m terrified that I will always feel hollow, and nothing will ever fix it. I’ve spent my entire life expecting the worst to happen, and I can feel it coming for me like I’m running along tracks and a train is barreling down on me. I’ve become desensitized to everything other than the crippling fear.”
Reaching out, I touched his cheek. “You are the first person in a very long time to make me feel anything, but that scares the fuck out of me. I don’t even know what to do with the emotions or how to navigate the new waters.”
Avro didn’t say anything as I stared into his amber eyes. I wanted to feel everything with him. I wanted to feel sad and disappointed. Laugh at his jokes and keep a tight grip on the butterflies I felt with him and Jace the other night. I wanted to know what it was like to love and be intimate without the touch of fear clouding every waking moment. Fuck, I wanted to try skydiving and scale a mountain. I wanted to run a marathon and travel to a different country. I’d never been outside of Florida, and my view of the world was on my phone and television.
“I feel so little, Avro.” I sniffed and closed my eyes as the tears formed and slowly dripped down my cheeks. “I feel like this tiny shell of a person waiting to be crushed. I know it and know I need to fix it, but I don’t know how. Most days, I’m filled with terror and an ache of loneliness that never wants to leave.”
“Raine, you’re so far from empty inside. Yes, you’re struggling. I can see it, but you just said you felt something with me, right? And you felt something with Jace and me the other night?”
“I do and did, but how can I trust my feelings? What if all those emotions, hope, excitement, and passion all disappear once the hollow feeling catches back up? It always catches up with me. I feel like Artreyu, trapped in that desolate place with the sphinx in the movie Neverending Story. You know the part where he thinks he’s getting somewhere, but then his heart betrays him, and the sphinx fires, and he narrowly escapes being killed?” Avro smiled at me. “Okay, maybe not the best analogy.”
“Actually, it works perfectly, but remember that he made it through that test and the ones after that. That was the point. He kept pushing on and proving to himself that he could do it, and so will you. Every day you wake up, brush your teeth, and look in the mirror, you are staring the world and all the terrible shit in the face and saying that you won’t quit. You will run the gauntlet of terror, and no matter how scared you are, you still do, and each day is a day to heal.”
I wiped at the tears sliding down my cheek. “How did you get to be so smart?”
“Blame Jace. He’s the insightful one, believe it or not.” He smiled, and we both laughed. Avro sobered and wrapped my hand up in both of his. “We’ll get through this together. The three of us will figure out how to make sure that each day is a step forward.”
“What if some days there are steps back?”
