Page 47 of You for Her (The Edge of Retaliation 2)
I don’t know where we are.
I don’t even know what I’m doing.
All I know is I can’t control myself.
Every single emotion I’ve held in for the last seven years comes flooding out.
Jo calls my name.
Tanner calls my name.
Ethan calls my name.
I just keep running.
I see Celia’s face.
I see that old woman’s face.
I hear Tanner’s words over and over in my mind.
Everything consumes me until I can’t breathe anymore.
I don’t know how far I’ve run, but I know nobody is behind me anymore.
I drop down, my hands hitting my knees as my body buckles forward. I heave and dry retch, unable to keep the emotions in any longer. I sob angrily, my whole body shaking. A few people stop and ask if I’m okay, but none of them stick around. People don’t want to deal with someone like me. People don’t want to help.
Nobody gives a damn.
Tanner is right. It is my fault Celia is dead. It is my fault that she is no longer with her family. I can blame everyone all I want, but I was behind the wheel of that car.
I was driving.
It was me.
Just like if Tanner hit that old woman, it would have been on him.
Nobody else.
It wouldn’t have mattered that I was distracting him, or that the old woman was on the road. No. It was his responsibility to operate that vehicle safely. If he didn’t do that, then it would have been his fault.
Celia Yates might have wanted to die, but I was the one behind the wheel. If I was watching, I would have seen her approach. I would have been able to stop. Maybe, I might have even been able to help her. I might have been able to talk to her, or take her to get some help, instead I hit her. I gave her what she was looking for because I wasn’t paying attention.
Tanner had a right to want revenge against me.
They all did.
I’m a damned monster.
A killer.
A broken killer.
“I KNEW I WOULD FIND you here.”
I jerk at the sound of Tanner’s voice, but I don’t turn. I stare down at my empty glass and wonder how the hell he found me.
I walked myself to the closest bar after my hard reality check, and I haven’t moved since. I haven’t had my phone, and the only cash on me was the fifty I had tucked in my pocket. It was enough to buy drinks. I didn’t think about anything else from that point on. I just wanted to sit here and forget the world. Forget everything.
I got done crying.
I got done hurting.
Now I’m numb.
“What are you doing here?” I say to my glass, even though I’m talking to Tanner.
“I’m lookin’ for you.”
“I have no idea why.”
“Look at me, Callie.”
“I’d rather not.”
“Look. At. Me.”
His voice is firm, an order that he won’t be happy for me to refuse.
I turn and look at him. My eyes are puffy and sore from crying, I know I look terrible, but I don’t care. I want him to see all of me. To see the scars and the broken pieces. To see everything I’ve held inside for so long.
“How did you find me, Tanner?” I ask, my voice crackly and weak.
“I took a guess,” he tells me, his eyes scanning over my face. “I knew you ran, and I figured if I was scared and hurt the way you were, and I was in a strange city, I’d go to a bar. I found the closest bar to where we stopped, and here you were.”
“Great detective skills,” I mutter, looking back at my drink.
“Come on, we’re going to take a walk.”
“We’re not going to do anything,” I snap.
“Listen to me, Callie. What happened today …”
“What happened today made me realize that you’re right,” I growl at him, slamming my hand down onto the bar. “I killed Celia. It wasn’t an accident. I had full control of that car. I didn’t have to look at the ground. I could have pulled over. I could have stopped and found the can. I didn’t, I chose to take my eyes off that road. I am the reason she is dead. I am the reason you don’t have her anymore. You’re right to hate me, Tanner.”
“I don’t hate you.” His voice is low, and thick.
I look up at him, and his eyes are so intense that I can’t hold them. I can’t see the emotion he hangs tightly onto, because it’ll only make things worse.
“Get up, we’re going for a walk,” he orders. “Now. Let’s go.”
“I don’t want to go anywhere with you, Tanner Yates.”
“I really don’t fuckin’ care. Get up.”
He grabs my arm, slaps a twenty down onto the bar, and then pulls me until we’re outside. Only then does he let my arm go. I jerk it out of his grips and then cross them, very very angrily. “I don’t need anything else to happen today. Do you know what that was like today? Nearly hitting that woman? Every bad memory in my mind came flooding back. It was horrible. I don’t want to keep reliving this hell over and over again.”
