Page 42 of Here You Are

We were worried about Widow Jenkins living by herself, so we decided to consider her part of our little safety net of people. She lives alone and doesn’t go anywhere. We’ve been spending a lot of time with her in our garages, trying to maintain our social distancing. I can tell she is lonely. Luke has been great about helping her out with things around the house, and we try to spend plenty of time with her, but she just isn’t her old self. In her softer moments, she will admit she gets lonely a lot since her husband died. That is why she is always up to some type of unruly behavior.

WJ came over for a garage hangout. We had been playing cards for a while when she started in on Luke with her typical passive-aggressive comments about making a commitment to her best friend. That’s me.

“So, Lukey Boy. I’m not leaving this garage without answers about the future. When are you going to put a ring on it? Cassie isn’t getting any younger. Soon you’ll be in your seventies with a gorgeous, adopted single young female that you're forced to take care of.”

“Listen here, Granny. These things take time, and I’m not going anywhere. We are happy. Get off my back, woman.”

She harumphed. “Not acceptable. I don’t want this to go to her head, but Cassie deserves some commitment from you. You know, she told me about why you guys broke up last time.”

Luke hit her with his sexy, crinkly-eyed grin. “Yeah, but did she tell you about the night we got back together?”

“No need, dear. The whole neighborhood heard that.”

I slapped my cards down, folding. “Gross, Jenkins. Can we talk about something else?”

“Sure,” she said. “What’s the plan for kids?”

I groaned and stood up. “I’m going to the bathroom for a long time. Please be off this topic when I get back. Maybe we can talk about why you're denying that you have a limp or any pain, when you're definitely walking with a limp.”

I walked into the house and hit the bathroom. I sat there panicking about the questions that WJ was asking Luke. The reason I’m panicking is that these are the questions I want to ask, yet I’m afraid of what will happen. I want kids more than anything, and at this point, it looks like I won’t be able to do that the conventional way. I don’t want to be in my forties trying to foster or adopt.

I took my sweet time going back out to the garage, trying to shake off the feelings of anxiety that were coursing through my body. I stopped in the kitchen to clean up a bit and grabbed some snacks to bring out to the garage. When I finally made my way back out there, I felt the conversation stop as soon as I walked out the door.

Luke gestured to WJ and said, “We’re making a game plan for Jenkins to get her hip checked out.”

WJ rolled her eyes and grabbed the cards to deal another round. After about thirty minutes, the tension in the room was still palpable. WJ excused herself to go home and take a nap, maybe because of the tension or maybe because she was a little tipsy. I found myself wondering if her limp was because she is always a little intoxicated, but probably not.

Luke and I started cleaning up and bringing our party supplies inside. I’m aware that Luke is pretty quiet and wonder if he is thinking about what WJ brought up. I know I am.

“You okay?” I asked as we made it back into the kitchen.

“Yep.” Luke had his back to me, putting things away.

“You got pretty quiet out there.”

“Eh. Jenkins kept pestering me when you went inside, and just got on my nerves. I can take a lot from that old lady; however, she was laying it on pretty thick. Have you considered getting new friends?” Luke suggested, with a half smile that felt a little fake.

“I don’t remember actively trying to build a friendship with her. I'm basically a hostage,” I joked, trying to lighten the mood. “Do you want to talk about what she said?”

“Sorry, babe, not really. I’m over it.”

I paused to contemplate my next move. Because I definitely needed to talk about it. I had been avoiding it for so long, and it was weighing heavily on me. What happened today made it apparent we are not on the same page. Again.

“I think I need to talk about it, Luke.”

He sighed and pulled out a barstool. “Ok, sit down, then.”

I sat down and tried to decide where to start. It was time for a what’s up with us conversation. Where is this going, and do we want the same thing? I had an overwhelming sense of dread that this conversation was going to go exactly as it had all those years ago.

“God, I hate this,” I said, taking a breath to figure out how honest I could be. “What I want hasn’t changed, Luke. I’ve wanted a marriage and a family for as long as I can remember. I'm on the wrong side of my thirties and not getting any younger. You know we have been having unprotected sex, and nothing has happened, but it’s not a total 100% guarantee that it couldn’t. I hope.”

“I know. It seems like if it was going to happen, it would have by now, so I haven’t put that much thought into the ‘what ifs,’ I want to be with you, and I’m happy with how things are right now. Aren't you?”

I could feel my eyes welling up with tears. “I am happy with you. I see a future with you. Yet, I'm living in the ‘what if’s,’ What we have going now is great, but it’s not enough. I want a family.”

“What are you hoping for?”

“I want to get married. I want to have kids. And I know that might not be possible for me, so I would be open to looking at surrogacy or adoption. I would even be open to being a foster parent. I don’t really care how, but I know that kids have to be a part of my future. That is the one thing I'm absolutely sure will not change. I’ve dreamed of this for too long, and to not have that would be devastating.”