Page 43 of Here You Are

Luke grabbed my hand and kissed it. He continued to hold my hand and stared down at the counter.

“I keep thinking we have more time. We aren’t that old, and I don’t need to decide right away what the future looks like. It seems like you're telling me we need to decide now.”

“I need to know if there is a possibility of a future for us. For a family.”

“Do I have time to think? I don’t want to lose you over this. I can’t lose you again; it almost killed me last time.”

“I know. Me too. And yes, you have time to think.”

The rest of the night was quiet. We both did our own things until bedtime. It was quite obvious we were both in our heads and nervous about our future. I found Luke in the living room, working on his laptop.

“I’m going to go up to bed. You coming?” I asked, leaning down to give him a quick kiss.

“Not quite yet. I’m going to finish up what I’m working on here.”

I went to bed, but I couldn’t sleep. I tossed and turned, a sense of dread making it impossible to relax. Eventually, I heard Luke come into our room and slide into bed.

“I’m not sleeping.”

He rolled onto his back and pulled me onto his chest. “I didn’t figure you would be.”

I snuggled into his chest, appreciating the comfort of warm skin and his Luke smell. I didn’t know what to say, think, or feel, so I tried to find some peace in having him there with me, with a glimmer of hope for our future.

“Cass.”

“Yeah?”

Luke let out a deep breath and paused. We always did our best communicating when we were lying next to each other in the dark. Deep down, I knew where this was going. It was exactly the same. The relationship, avoiding conversations about the future, and now lying in the dark about to have this conversation. It’s exactly the same.

“I feel like if I'm going to commit to having kids, I should know with absolute certainty that it is what I want. Your kids deserve to know that their dad 100% wanted them and couldn’t live without them. I’m just not there. It’s always been a ‘maybe someday’ situation for me, and the older I get, the less likely it seems I'll get there. I don't know if this is something I want, but I do know with certainty I'm not ready right now. I know that isn’t the answer you want to hear. I’m hoping that what we have and our love for each other can be enough for now. Is what we have enough for now?”

“I want it to be. I just don’t know how much longer I can wait. I don’t want to wake up one day and find that all of our options are gone. How much longer are you asking me to wait?”

“I don’t know.”

“What if you never get there?”

“I don’t know.”

I have been trying to be tough, but the tears start streaming from my eyes. Luke knows me well enough to know the emotional turmoil I am facing right now. He grabs my chin and tips my face up to look at him. Even in the darkness of the room, I can see his eyes are full of tears, too.

“God, I'm going to lose you, again,” he whispers, bringing his lips to mine for a brief kiss.

I don’t know what to say, but I know what is going to happen. He’s going to leave and go back to his parents. I am going to be alone again, farther away from what I want. This is an exact repeat of the first time, and I can’t believe I was so stupid and blind. I let my rose colored glasses make me think this time would be different. I guess I thought that since we were older, things would be different. I thought that because he had always known what I wanted, this time would be different. Why should I expect his feelings on this would have changed when mine never have?

“I’m so sorry, Cassie. I never meant to do this to you, again. I don’t know what is wrong with me.”

“I think you thought it would be different, just like I thought it would be different,” I replied. “And you’re right, you know? I want my children’s father to have wanted them as desperately as I did. I don’t want to pressure you into something you don’t want.”

“It doesn’t change the fact that I want you.”

“It doesn’t change that for me, either. But I’m sorry, it’s not enough,” I responded, a sob escaping.

Luke pulled me tight to him and said, “Can we just have tonight together and then tomorrow we’ll figure out the rest?”

“Yes, I would like that.”

Despite my better judgment, we made love. It was heartbreaking and felt like goodbye.