Page 168 of The Sound of Him

Matt

I do a lot of thinking while I watch Ace sleep.

I’ve spent so much of my time here in a fog. I’ve been floating around like a ghost, appearing in rooms I don’t remember going to, and coming back to myself in the middle of conversations without knowing what the subject of it is. For the most part, I’ve been barely existing.

The few times a little spark came to life inside of me were usually times I was with Ace.

Even in the beginning, that light was flickering inside of me as he brought me a tote bag and nervously rambled about it. He’s become a safe place for me. A place where I can be soft, where I can hide, where I can breathe. He gave that thing inside of me room to figure itself out. That’s the warmth I’ve been feeling, I think. It’s that spark inside of me. The thing that makes me feel alive. Ace stokes it and tends to it and protects it.

During all of that, though, he was struggling too.

I don’t do myself the disservice of pretending like I don’t know how I missed that. Of course I missed it. Most days, it wastaking everything in me just to exist. It still is some days. I was better around him, though. I was better enough to notice that sometimes there was something off about him.

I’m upset at myself for not thinking about things more. I wouldn’t have been able to in the early days, but lately I could have. Lately, Ishouldhave. There were times when I noticed how his energy had shifted into something a little frantic and frenzied, like he was fraying around the edges, but I hadn’t dwelled on it. I’m always focused on my own thing at meals, so I can’t really remember if he eats well at them, but he eats in his office. Candy, mostly. Sometimes chips. But I can’t judge someone on their food choices.

Then again, I’m fully aware my food choices aren’t healthy and that something is wrong with me, so maybe that’s not the best excuse.

When I first started coming to his office, I think he used to eat those protein meal bars everyone likes. I remember sometimes watching him, eyeing the crinkling wrapper, wondering if it had any nuts in it. I don’t remember the last time he ate one, though. Or the last time I saw him drink anything other than that coffee and energy drinks.

He’s never asleep, either. No matter what time of day or night it is, he’s been in the office or downstairs somewhere nearly every time I’ve gone looking for him. There’s a chance he sleeps on this couch, but he’s never taken very long coming to the door when I knock and he’s never had that ruffled look about him that most people get right after waking up.

He has to be sleeping though, right?Even Bryce sleeps. At a certain point, your body makes you sleep.Doesn’t it?

Today, though, he was so tired. He was barely standing with how tired he was. He kept losing his train of thought at dinner. I watched him the whole time while I picked a little at the burger on my plate and avoided looking at the mac ‘n cheese at all cost.At one point, I think he actually fell asleep. At another, he went to scoop up food with his fork and stuck it in his water instead.

He hasn’t been that tired before. Not in front of me, at least. I feel sure about that. The energy drinks and the coffees and the constant working add up to something worrying, though. Especially when the growing beard and unwashed clothes and red-rimmed eyes are taken into account.

Maybe it was just because they were closing in on Elliot? Maybe the other times he got really tired were because of work too?

That would mean he can finally rest. Mica has been found and killed. Elliot has been saved.It should be calm now, right? He can work less? He can take better care of himself?

Heneedsto take better care of himself. If he doesn’t, I’ll do it for him. We’ll do it for each other.

I wake up half-slumped against a pile of blankets taken from my hiding spot, one of them tucked around my head like a makeshift pillow. My headphones are tangled against my chest, my iPod placed on the coffee table, a little piece of paper beneath it.

The couch is empty.

So is the rest of the office.

I don’t know why it hurts my feelings. It shouldn’t. I asked him to sleep and he did. I don’t know how long I stayed awake watching him, but even that amount of time was enough. Plus, at least he isn’t working.

The note helps.

Thank you. Really.

If this was in person, I would definitely ramble.

This is the only paper I could find though.

As you can see, it’s pretty small.

So, like, insert ramble [here], I guess?

I hope you don’t mind the blanket thing,

I couldn’t get myself to wake you.

Hope you slept as well as I did.