Page 94 of Equilibrium
I couldn’t believe that this was happening again. That another person in my life decided to just fuck me over, as if I meant nothing. Or maybe I was just reading too much into this fucked-up connection I had with him.
This insanity connecting us.
What was I thinking? Believing that a man could be trustworthy? That just because he didn’t belong to the Syndicate or the Outfit, that he would be different.
Men always wanted something. There was always an ulterior motive to their actions, and I was too blinded, too hopeful this time to see that.
And all that talk about me belonging to him, it was all a fucking lie. Me worrying about him, about Atlas, trying to be calm. Trying to be patient... He was the worst kind of traitor. The kind that managed to steal my heart and make me believe in a fairy tale. Was that meeting four years ago orchestrated as well? Was everything I thought I knew a lie? Again, just a lie.
Fuck, I had to get myself out of here. If Creed found me like this, he would know that I heard their conversation, and he would try to stop me.
No, if I had any doubts about leaving this place, this just cemented my plan. Get the fuck out and forget about all of them. Forget about Storm, forget about Kieran, my father, Logan, the Albanians. I was going to move to fucking Madagascar if that was what would get me away from them.
But Storm.
Why? Why would he do this? Why do they all fuck with me like this?
Kieran and his brothers were bad, but Storm was much worse. At least with them, I knew why they wanted me dead. At least with them, I wasn’t expecting a better outcome. I didn’t expect mercy. I didn’t expect forgiveness or love.
But with him...
He fucking tricked me. Made me believe in this bullshit he’d been spewing at me. This need he had for me.
I had to give it to him. He was a better actor than I was. He managed to fool me. He even went so far to mark me, to make me think I was really his.
But he was never mine. He was never going to be mine.
Fuck. My chest was caving in on itself. It felt as if my ribs were crushing my heart, my lungs. I couldn’t breathe.
I was gasping for air, clutching at my chest. This pain was worse than the day I found Kieran between Cynthia’s legs. This pain rendered me speechless. It was cruel making me believe in a lie, in things that would never be possible. A happily ever after.
A guy made for me.
He made me want to stay. He made me think it was worth it when it wasn’t.
Having another person in your life was never worth it. They all proved it to me time and time again. Why was I even trying anymore?
Stupid. I was fucking stupid.
Would I ever stop with these silly thoughts of fairy tales? Even when I told myself that I didn’t believe in them. Even when I said they weren’t real, deep down, I wanted it.
I wanted it all.
I wanted the love that would consume my whole body. I wanted a wild and crazy love. Relentless and forgiving. Insane and soft. I wanted it all.
Why couldn’t I have it? Why was I doomed like this?
Was I not worth it?
The only thing I ever wanted to have was a little bit of understanding, a little bit of light in this infinite darkness I was shrouded in. Even if that light was somebody’s dark, I wanted it all.
Why did he have to betray me?
But it didn’t matter. None of this mattered. My feelings, my emotions, nothing mattered but finding Maya.
Shut it down, Ophelia. Just shut it down.
I was a master at shutting things down. This shouldn’t be any different. I didn’t have time to fall apart. At least not now.
