Page 87 of Forgotten
Vicky catches me daydreaming and laughs at me. “Then why the fuck are you wasting your time talking to me? I thought we went through this already years ago. You want to be with Ashley. So go be with Ashley. You two kissed three days ago andyou’ve called me at least five times since. Get it together, Ashford. Get your man.”
“Always a pleasure, Victoria.”
“Get the fuck out of my face,” she yells, hanging up the video call. And so I do. I go get my man.
How could I forget that summer? Ash’s freehearted grin, the astonished expression every time he’d turn around and see me there, with him. Finally, his, in every possible way. How could I forget the first time I realised that Ash and I were made for each other?
Deep down I’d always known, of course. But there’s this one particular memory, shining brightly now that it’s unlocked.
It’s 2023, it’s Christmas Eve and we’re in my old apartment but I already know that I want to move out. I want to move out and move in with Ash and be with him the whole fucking time. I want to wake up with him and go to sleep with him and never leave his side. Ever.
Pushing him to lay on my mattress, I climb on top. Fake it till you make it, right? I should be terrified of this, but I’m not. I did the research, I’m all clean and prepared. I grab Ash purposefully and line him up to my entrance, anticipation stealing the air from my lungs. I hold Ash’s gaze while slowly, inch by inch, I sink down until Ash is fully inside of me. It’s tight and painful and at the same time, the best thing in the world. Time stands completely still as I stare at Ash, mesmerised by the feeling of him. Of us.
“So he is a bottom,” Ash comments, the rapid raising of his chest betraying his boldness.
“I’m still on top, twat.”
“Yes. Yes, you are,” Ash agrees softly. “One truth for one truth? I’ve waited my whole life to do this.”
“With me?” I ask, wishing my voice didn’t sound so insecure.
Ash confirms “Only with you. Merry Christmas, Ford.”
For the longest time, we don’t move. We let our bodies adjust to the feeling, to the rightness of it. Then Ash starts to rock his hips up and I keep waiting for the inevitable begging. Go faster, harder. But it never comes. Ash keeps staring at me patiently, lips parted and skin blotchy. Even now, he’s letting me be in charge. I sigh, thinking about the day I will make him tie me up and have his way with me. Until then.
I’m not sure how on earth I have forgotten the way Ash grabbed himself in the end with a grunt, pulling out and aiming at my stomach.
“What the fuck are you doing,” I hiss.
Ash simply whines back.
“Go back. Come inside.” I choke out. “Please.”
???
There’s memories jumping around my head that are so pivotal, I can’t believe I could ever lose them. Some things should happen once in a lifetime and stay like a tattoo, permanent and beautiful and naturally, painful.
Like the day we first met Winnie in 2024. Ash barely slept the entire week so much he’d been buzzing. The days before our appointment, he invited my dad over for dinner and bombarded him with questions about being a father. My dad smiled kindly as Ash went down his neatly drafted list. How can I be the right amount of kind, how do I make sure my child knows they’re loved unconditionally, how can I be a little less like Ashley Bergman and a little more like Gregory Hale.
My dad had laughed at that last question. “You are exactly who you need to be for this child, Ashley Bergman,” my dad said. And then he looked at me. “You too, Fordy. You both will make great fathers.”
The next day Ash and I meet Winnie for the first time. Our social worker introduces us and Winnie can barely stand on her two feet. She hides behind Sadaf and sucks on her thumb with a guilty look on her face.
Ash crouches to be on the same height as the little girl and it makes me laugh, how he went and asked my dad for lessons on kindness. The way Ash smiles at Winnie, how he tries to greet her in English and then in a broken French. The way he promptly picks her up when she holds her arms out, immediately trusting of this unknown giant.
I promise to never forget the concern on Ash’s face as he gets to hold Winnie for the first time.
While next to him, I burst into laughter. “I can’t believe we’re going to be parents.” I keep laughing until Ash relaxes and I notice his long hair falling on his face. I touch his arm,reaching for the hair bobble at my wrist. Ash tilts his head back, letting me gather his hair in a low bun.
“Parents,” Ash is telling himself and it makes me laugh some more. Then Winnie starts giggling with me and Ash looks at her, charmed and enamoured.
“Parents?” he says again, and this time it sounds like a question.
“You and me, man. You and me,” I confirm and then Ash starts laughing too.
It was insane. It was everything. We were fathers. We were creating a family and nobody could take it away from us. After that day, there was no doubt we wanted to have Winnie and would do anything to keep her. Together, we would fight for our happiness.
Some other memories, though, I wish they would have stayed in the void.
