Page 86 of Forgotten
“Marry me,” I repeat, and this time Ash’s curling his hands into fists. I don’t know what to do with my hands. They feel uncomfortably empty. I wish I’d planned this better. But there’s never been planning my relationship with Ash.
“Don’t do this,” he says.
“I love you. I’m in love with you. Probably always have been.” I stand and take a tentative step forward, closing the distance between us once again. “Look at me. I’m still the same. I gave up my nickname when I was nine years old so that you could have it. I kissed you when we were fourteen because I was dying to be your first. I liked you so much that you had me questioning my sexuality for almost a decade.
“And when you got with Jonathan, I thought he’d make you happy. I stepped back, I was ready to give you up, even if it almost killed me. I’d do it all again, if it meant I get to end up with you. I want to spend the rest of my life with you and Winnie and I’m so, so sorry I forgot you. Please. Marry me?”
“You don’t want this life.”
I lift both hands up, frustrated. “This life is everything I’ve ever fucking wanted. This family, this future.” In a smaller voice, I add, “And I want it all withyou.”
“Ford, this… this is a lot.” Ash drops his head, avoids my gaze. “It’s only been, what? Two months? Since the accident. You woke up to a completely different life. With a family, with me, with a baby. And you never chose this, you don’t-”
“I might notrememberchoosing it, but I did. At some point, I did. Apparently, I chose this when we got together. When I decided that you were worth whatever people were going to say. I chose this when we decided to adopt a child. And fuck, I kept choosing this every day after I woke up. Imight not remember it but clearly, somehow, I did. And I choose this, right now.” I’m ready to continue, to give Ash all of the speeches that I need in order to have this my way, just like everything else I have ever set my mind to.
But Ash stops me with a low grunt. So typical. Pining for months and then almost annoyed at my declaration. “Okay, fuck. Okay, yes.”
“Yes, what?”
“Ford,” he warns and it makes me smile.
It makes me want to push his buttons just a little bit more. “I’m serious. Will you marry me?”
“Yes, yes, I will marry you. Idiot.” There’s a teasing smile on Ash’s lips, and it reminds me of something.
“Thank fuck.” Our bodies melt together and Ash is kissing me and it’s everything. It’s the end of the worldand at the same time, the beginning of it all. Ash squeezes me in a hug and I get on my tiptoes and there’s a tugging in my chest that I just cannot ignore. Pulling away, I place a softer kiss on Ash’s lips. “I love you.”
“I love you too. I never thought I’d be doing this stupid family thing but I’m glad it’s with you. So, so glad.”
My grin matches Ash’s and when I lean in to kiss him again, it’s like a switch.
One moment, my mind is in the deepest, darkest shadows. An empty room filled with unlabelled cartons.
The next, the light is on. The floor is swept clean and the boxes unpacked. Thousands of little pieces of life explode in my brain and I can’t control myself from lingering on one, then the other, then the other. I jump from flashback to flashback as Ash stares at me in confusion.
I sigh in relief. I’m done chasing the light.
My memories are back.
???
After months of navigating unknown waters, unsure of what I’m doing with my life in 2024, getting my memories back is surprisingly unamusing. I expected some grand moment and instead, the sound echoing in my ears is a sad, inopportune trombone. Womp-fucking-womp-womp.
The fragments flash before my eyes without rhyme or reason, the good and the bad and everything in between. They add up, building up the missing yearspiece by piece. And fuck, there’s things I’m not sure how I could forget.
How could I ever forget? How could I forget the days after Ash’s break-up with Jonathan? After months,yearsof not talking to each other, I just couldn’t believe Ash was back in my life and I had kissed him.
Me, Ford. Kissing my best friend, Ash.
In 2022 I was crushing hard and I wasn’t sure if I was making the right choice. All those sleepless nights imagining Ash and I having a future, actually making a life together. The hours I spent explaining to Vicky how impossible the idea of Ash and I was. How frightened I was of losing my childhood best friend.
“But you are in love with him,” Vicky argues in 2022 from the other side of the world. It’s early morning in China.
“I am.” Because she has a point. But also, she’s not seeing my point.
“And you want to be with him.”
A firm nod. Thinking about the other night, I get a shiver. I was so worried about losing my job and with it, losing my purpose. How silly was that? A life without Ash in it, the years we’ve spent not talking to each other, not making each other happy. That’s what’s been making me miserable. And now I could have it back, if I just get my shit together.
