Page 67 of Studs Up
The memory of Nolan sucking my cock flashed so vibrantly in my body that I went temporarily blind before I was even out of my spot. Yeah, he had sucked my soul and swallowed it.
“Naw,” I said, fighting the blush creeping up my neck. “It’s just I want that. Someone, you know.” A specific someone to go to restaurants with, out in public. I turned in my seat, put the car in drive, and headed toward his apartment.
It was unfair. Seeing what I could have right in front of me and knowing I couldn’t have it, not like that, not so publicly, was torture.
It wouldn’t hurt nearly as bad if I hadn’t just left Nolan days ago. Everything ached to be back there. Or to have the freedom to date him and not have all the bullshit. But a gay professional soccer player dating his biggest rival was never going to have the carefree life I wanted.
“I’m not talking about tonight.”
That didn’t change my answer. Not really.
“If you’re lonely, let’s find you a guy,” he said and rolled his head, one his head rest to look at me. “Let’s go to Haven.” The idea of any other man touching me made my blood turn cold.
“Not gonna find the love of my life at Haven.”
“Not gonna find anything in that deep, dark closet you’re in.”
“Hey, you’re in here with me.”
“At least I have sex,” he muttered back. I wish I had that little bit of freedom. Even if I had to stay in the closet for the sake of my career, the ability to have a quiet relationship would be a vast improvement in my life.
“Is that what you want?” Alex asked after a moment of silence. “Love?”
Yes. I wanted to scream it. Alex was safe, and I thought about telling him right there. Hey, I’ve been having sex with Nolan Reed. But I didn’t want to die in a car crash because I was sure Alex would lunge at me.
Nolan and I had been careful. And it was just sex, right? He was convenient, and it meant nothing. But then I remembered the kissing and falling asleep in his arms.
It wasn’t fair that he was soft and gentle as he held me and wicked with his mouth.
…
I was pacing again. I didn’t know how it started or when. It was dark outside, the only indication of what time it was.
No matter how many blankets I put on the bed or how high I turned up the warming blanket, my bed felt cold. Nothing I had on hand was even comparable to being held.
“Fuck,” I laced my fingers on my head and kept moving. My heart was racing, and I couldn’t catch my breath.
The week I got home, I rearranged the plants. Bringing them closer to the light, repotting, and clipping new cuttings. It wasn’t working.
So I rearranged the kitchen. Deep cleaned every nook and cranny, and tossed anything I didn’t need anymore. Still, it wasn’t working.
The eyes followed me all night long, even though I wasn’t asleep. Nolan inadvertently added a new layer to my nightmares. Now the eyes were horrified and angry that I was in love with Nolan Reed. Because of course, I was. I had always been in love with him. I could never tell him that, but I was.
And the eyes judged me for it.
I found myself desperate for his body and his whispers, soothing me.
I should have ended it with him. Why was I such a fucking coward? I went downstairs and jumped on the treadmill.
This never should have happened. Nolan was never supposed to like being kissed by me. I never should have lost my damn mind and done it. I exhausted myself and still couldn’t turn my brain off. So I got on the bike. I placed my phone on the little shelf for entertainment and stared at it as I pedaled. No vibrating, no messages. It stayed silent and dark.
I stopped having men in my life, and the messages stopped. When I met Allen, the messages started again. All cruel variations of ‘get rid of him or get ready to be out.’
I wished they would stop. Why me? Why the fuck did they pick me to torture. I had chased these thoughts around my head thousands and thousands of times. They played on my fear and my dreams.
Whores don’t get trophies.
Do you think he loves you? He can never love you if you fail.
