Page 141 of When She Loves
“It took me a long time to be able to do what he wanted from me. Every time I’d start crying, unable to control myself, he’d grab Mamma by the throat and say,‘You see? We can’t rely on anyone to save us but ourselves.’He repeated that phrase to her often. I don’t know if it was to taunt her into fighting back, but she never did. Maybe she knew she didn’t stand a chance against him, and so she didn’t want to risk provoking him any further. But every time I heard it, it made me desperate to prove him wrong. I would gain control over my emotions. I would save Mamma. It took me months.”
“Months?” Fabi breathes. “How many times…”
“How many times did he do it? I don’t know. Every few days.” Too many. It took me too damn long. “The day I managed to keep my mask in place the entire time was the hardest day of my life. He only beat her for fifteen minutes before he stopped. He left her on the floor and walked over to me. He grabbed my chin and turned my face one way and then the other.‘Good,’he said.‘You’ve learned.’I was relieved. I thought that was the end of it and that I’d saved Mamma.”
My sisters stare at me in mute horror. They don’t realize the worst of the story is still coming.
“But there was one final test.” I close my eyes and allow the memory of that gruesome night to unfurl. A wave of nausea hits me, so strong that for a moment I wonder if I’ll be able to get the words out. If I even should.
I breathe through it, forcing the sensation down. When I open my eyes again, my sisters’ faces are drained of blood. There’s no irritation left in Elena’s expression. Only dread.
“He raped her in front of me.”
Fabi’s moan is guttural, filled with raw pain and disbelief. Elena chokes and presses her palm to her lips.
“I barely remember that night—a small blessing. I think I disassociated. Somehow, I managed not to move a single muscle. I stood as still as a statue while our mother tried to be as quiet as possible so that her screams wouldn’t upset me.”
Fabi starts to cry, her entire body shaking.
“Why didn’t you tell us?” Elena whispers.
“Because I couldn’t.” My voice is hoarse. “There were times when I’d do anything to forget what happened. I hope you never understand firsthand the depth of helplessness I felt while I watched him hurt her.”
Elena’s gaze flickers with emotions—revulsion, astonishment, regret. She stares at me like she’s seeing me for the first time. “This is why Mom always tells us to go easy on you. I never understood how she could defend you after what I thought you did.”
“Father broke both of us during those nights. I couldn’t look at Mamma without being reminded of how I failed her. She probably couldn’t look at me without feeling shame. Shame that wasn’t deserved, that wasn’t hers to own, but shame that she still carries to this day.”
I see it in her eyes when she talks to me. It’s a darkness that I don’t think will ever go away.
“Our father adored you.” Elena’s face is as colorless as a blank canvas. “He was proud of you.”
“Adored? No. Hewasproud of me. Once I passed his final test, I was finally a worthy heir in his eyes. It was his idea to make me a made man at thirteen. I went along with it because I realized it would help Mamma. With Father’s attention focused on training me, he ignored her. He even allowed her to move to the Hamptons with the two of you. But he never loved me the way a normal man loves his son. He didn’t love anyone. And he trained me to be the same.”
“I remember the day we left,” Elena says. “You didn’t seem to care that we were leaving.”
I peer into my glass. It’s nearly empty. “By then, I knew very well how to keep my feelings hidden.”
“So you never lost control of your emotions since?” Fabi asks quietly, her cheeks wet.
“Not for a long time. They were entombed deep inside. Locked away and forgotten. But someone found the key.”
Fabi sucks in a low breath. “Cleo.”
I nod. “I lost my mind when I thought she was in danger. It’s my fault Nero’s gone. I made so many mistakes in the time from when I got the call about her being kidnapped to when I was finally sure she was safe. I wasn’t thinking straight.”
Fabi shakes her head. “You did all that, and then you let her go? Why?”
“Because with her around, I can’t be the don I have to be.”
“And what kind of don is that? The same as our father?” Elena wipes away an errant tear with her sleeve. “God, Rafe. He was a fucking monster. I’ve spent more than a decade thinking you were cut from the same cloth as him, but now that you told us what really happened, I can see that I was wrong. You are not him. What he put you through as a child is deplorable, and even with all of his sick ‘training,’ you would never do the things he did to someone you’re supposed to love and protect.”
“Of course, I wouldn’t.”
“Then why are you still measuring yourself up to the ridiculous, fucked-up standard he set?”
Her words press down on me, branding themselves on my skin with a harsh burn. I’ve rejected many things about my father, but his lessons have stayed with me. I’ve allowed them to define me.
“Cleo compromises me.”
