Page 140 of When She Loves
How do I explain the mix of anger, sadness, and regret inside of me? I don’t know how to put it into words.
“Of course, he’s all right,” Elena snaps. “He doesn’t care about anyone but himself. One day, he nearly loses his wife. The next day, he kills his consigliere. Tomorrow, he’ll execute some poor bastard for looking at him wrong. It’s all the same to him, Fabi. He’s just like our dad was. Empty.”
“Stop it,” Fabi begs. “You’re being cruel.”
“Cruel?” Elena demands. “I’m not the cruel one here. I’m stating facts. Aren’t I, Rafe?”
I meet Fabi’s teary gaze, and it touches me somewhere deep. A place I’ve tried to ignore so fiercely and for so long, but I don’t think I can ignore it anymore.
Sinking back down on the sofa, I hang my head. I’ve never felt more alone.
“Cleo is gone,” I rasp. “I told her I want a divorce.” It’s hard to speak when my throat is this tight.
“Why?” Elena demands.
I force myself to look up at my sisters. Whatever Elena sees in my expression makes her sneer waver. Her eyes widen. They’re the exact same shade of blue as mine.
“Because I can’t handle having her around. She made me into someone I was never meant to be. She made me weak.”
Elena’s brows furrow. “How did she make you weak?”
“She made me feel things. I’m not fucking good at feeling things. I wastrainednot to.”
“Trained? By who?” Fabi asks, her voice small.
How could they be this clueless? “Do you think I was born like this?” I ask. “Who do you think?”
A storm is brewing inside Elena’s eyes. “If you’re asking for pity, you won’t get it from me. I saw you there that night.”
My head is starting to pound. “What night?”
“The night our father beat our mother,” Elena hisses, fury flashing across her features. “It was a few days before Christmas. The last one we spent at the house before we moved to the Hamptons. You were in their bedroom, and he was hurting her, and you just stood there and watched.”
What the fuck.She’s known all along?
Elena leans forward. “From where I was, I could see your expression. I could see that you feltnothing. Your face was blank. It’s haunted me ever since. How could you just fucking stand there, Rafe? Our own mother? Did you enjoy seeing it?”
I recoil, stunned. She thinks she knows, but it’s clear she doesn’t understand what actually happened that night.
So this is why she hates me. By the way Fabi’s looking at me, I can tell this isn’t news to her. Elena told her.
Whatever grip I had on myself falls apart piece by piece. The weight of the secret I’ve been carrying all these years is suddenly impossible to bear.
I promised myself I’d never tell them the truth. That I’d protect them from the horrors of our father’s depravity. But I can’t keep this from them anymore. I need to make them understand that I wasn’t born a monster.
I was made into one.
“You’ve got it wrong,” I whisper.
Elena cocks her head. “Did I? Explain it then, Rafe.”
I wrap both palms around my glass, my pulse loud inside my ears. “Our father forced me to watch. That time wasn’t the first time either. The first time it happened, I was far from calm. I tried to stop him, Elena. I cried and screamed and fought him until he punched me so hard I blacked out.”
Fabi winces, listening to me intently. Elena is still glaring at me, her arms crossed over her chest, but a flicker of uncertainty appears inside her eyes.
“Father didn’t like that I was so upset about what he was doing to Mamma. I was only ten, but as his successor, I was supposed to be strong, even as a child. So he decided to teach me a lesson. He’d bring me into the room, and then he’d hurt her. If I cried or showed any emotions at all, he’d keep going. He would stop only when I managed to calm down. When I managed to pretend like I felt nothing.”
Elena’s expression goes slack.
