Page 50 of Last Letters to Ara
“You know the way to an old man’s heart,” Dave says as he graciously accepts the donuts. “I imagine that this is what you’re waiting for?”
Dave extends the letter, and my heart seizes at the familiar handwriting. No matter how many letters I receive, I will always get emotional seeing a piece of Dad which is still left in the world.
“Thank you so much, Dave.”
“I’ll leave you to it, sweetheart.” He turns to walk away, but after a few steps, he looks back. “Whatever it is you’ve been doin’, I see some light in those eyes. Keep it up.”
I let one tear escape and go back into my apartment, whipping up a cup of hot chocolate, and because I know I’ll need the extra comfort, I pile on the marshmallows and whipped cream. So what if I’m also having two donuts. This situation warrants all the comfort.
As I sit on my couch, I take a massive bite of my first donut and try not to think about the fact that one day these letters will run out and I’ll have to be my own lifeline. The thought is terrifying, and until that time comes, I will treasure every single one.
Dear Ara,
I realized a few months ago that there is no return policy on fate. All we can do is claim it as our own and take whatever control we can with whatever time we have left. Ever since coming to that realization, I’ve been looking at the bright sides.
Here are a few of mine:
-I’ll never have to go to the dentist again
-I’ll never have to wait on hold with an airline
-I’ll never have to wait in line at the DMV
-I’ll never have to speak to Gladys from the IRS again
-Since I no longer have to worry about my health, I’ll be having chocolate milkshakes with every meal
I want to make sure you’re looking at your bright sides too. No matter how tough the situation is, you always have to find that silver lining. I know it’s easier said than done, but it’s the only way to find happiness.
When your mother left this world, I was shattered. I know that I never told you enough about her or our love, but believe me when I tell you: it was out of this world.
Your mother was larger than life, the opposite of me. I was reserved at best, only had a few friends. You know your old man well enough. Your mother? She commanded rooms.
She was the axis which social gatherings rotated around. Yet, she made everybody feel special because that sort of influence never went to her head. Her purpose in life was to inspire others to be their best self.
You’re probably wondering how on Earth we ended up together. Well, I asked myself the same question every single day. I never understood why, out of everyone, she chose me. She could have had her pick, too, trust me.
The day we had you, I stopped asking. I finally realized that even though we couldn’t be more different, we made magic when we were together.
After her car accident, I didn’t know how I would survive it. I was only good at math. She was the one who was good at life.
I had no idea how to do it by myself, and YouTube didn’t exist back then.
One night, I was feeling so lonely, so lost without her, and I decided to walk into your nursery. I’m not sure whether it was to feel closer to her, as if her memory was forever etched into those walls we painted together, or if I just needed the company. But there you sat, in your little crib, the silver lining. The only other person I could love more than the one who gifted you to me.
I decided right then that it was all worth it. I would experience the pain and loss another fifty times as long as I still had you.
So, there it is. The topic of this letter. The task for this month.
I want you to focus on that silver lining, that thing which brings you happiness. If you’re a better person than me (which I know you are), your silver lining will be something you generate from yourself, rather than letting your happiness rely on another person.
I think I might have an idea of what it may be for you, that thing which brings you happiness. If I’m right, I hope you run with it. I hope you design and create as much as you breathe. Make yourself happy with it.
I hope one day, you’ll share that silver lining with the world.
I love you so much, Ara.
Love,
