Page 60 of Playing to Win
“I don’t fucking know.” I throw my hands up in the air, frustrated.
“Well, knock this shit off. You’re too in your head and it’s messing with your ability. Stop overthinking.” He stalks off, grumbling much like I was only a few minutes ago, and I exhale raggedly, pissed at myself.
Coach makes it sound so easy. Just get out of my head and play right.
I’m discovering it’s not that simple.
I never want to disappoint my coaches, especially Mattson. He took a chance on me from the start. He’s the one who came to my high school and watched me play. Talked to me and my dad after the game, encouraging me to apply to CU. While I didn’t come from a big high school and we didn’t win state championships, my team was still pretty good and I was a superstar in my hometown.
Mattson told me he saw great potential in my game play and felt that he could mold me into an even bigger star.
And here I am, learning under Mattson, letting him mold me and I’m failing.
To clear my head, I jog around the track, thankfully no one is calling out to me as they continue practicing. I run a mile, then another one, until Mattson is telling me to stop so I can conserve my energy.
Feels like I can’t win no matter what I do.
It’s near the end of practice when I spot our social media team of three approaching the field, my gaze snagging on Ruby’s familiar blonde head. She’s hot as usual, wearing a red Golden Eagles T-shirt today, the mascot on the front, and a pair of denim shorts, standing in between Gwen and Eric talking.
I try not to look over at her, but it’s damn hard when I’ve got nothing else to do. I end up blatantly staring at her like some sort of jackass and she finally glances over at me, a faint smile curling her lips.
I smile back, about to lift my hand in a wave, but she’s already looking away, talking to Eric.
My hand drops to my side, useless.
Mattson blows his whistle and calls for a break and my teammates head toward me, many of them offering me mini pep talks. I nod but don’t say anything, keeping my feelings inside so I don’t blow up on someone who doesn’t deserve my wrath. There’s no one to blame for my fuck-ups anyway.
Just myself.
“Hey.” I turn to find Evan standing in front of me, his hair all sweaty from his helmet, clutching a reusable water bottle that’s in the university’s school colors in his hand. “You okay, bro?”
“Rough day,” I admit, not sure how else to explain it. I shrug. “You know how it is.”
“I do.” Evan glances around like he’s making sure no one is paying attention before he continues, “Not trying to make you feel bad or anything, but Mattson is freaking out.”
“Yeah, no shit.” He’s definitely not making me feel much better.
“You seem to be really in your head.” I start to protest, but he keeps talking over me. “It’s something I’ve been guilty of too. I just wanted to make you aware of it.”
“How’d you make it stop?” I ask, genuinely curious.
“Well, I’d take a walk or run or whatever, but I see you already tried that.” Evan winces. “Maybe you should try and talk to someone that centers you? Mattson maybe?”
“That guy doesn’t center me. He’s too keyed up.” Like I am.
“Okay…what about Derek? Or any of your other friends on the team? I know we’re not that close, but if you ever need someone to just vent to, I’m here,” Evan offers.
“I appreciate that.” No one makes an offer like he just did. Everyone is too worried about looking like a wuss, I swear.
I remember hearing about Cam last season, how after the season was over, he went to counseling and it helped him a lot. All of that was thanks to Blair. He fell in love with her and wanted to be a better man for her.
And for himself.
Glancing across the field, I watch Ruby laugh at something Eric or Gwen says as she holds her phone out for them to all watch something. The pleasant sound drifts over to me, settling in my chest and easing some of that tension that’s making it so tight, and I realize in that moment who I need to go talk to.
Someone who could possibly center me.
I stride across the field, ignoring the guys who call my name, thankful that Mattson doesn’t blow his whistle or worse, try to get me to talk to him again. His idea of a pep talk isn’t what I want right now.
