Page 64 of Lead Me On
“Jane!” Lori laughed. “That sounds awful. ‘Someone like him’?”
Jane’s cheeks heated. They must be red, but they felt even more than that. Aglow with fiery magenta. “You don’t understand. I want to get married someday and have children. I can’t have kids with a man like that.”
“A man like what?”
Jane felt horrible. She knew it wasn’t right. Chase was a good man. He’d probably be a good father. Logically, she knew that, but in the deepest part of her heart, the idea of someone like Chase terrified her. And now that she knew he was a business owner, she couldn’t pretend that it was some deep objection. Her standards were all superficial and disgusting.
Jane nodded and set her shoulders. “When I was a little girl, sometimes the other kids’ dads would come to the school. To pick them up or for career day or the parents’ day lunch. And those men in suits and ties… They looked like the kinds of dads I saw on TV. They were likesuperheroes.Always smiling. Always polite to the other children. They were smart and shiny and perfect. I knew if one of those men was my dad, nothing bad would ever happen to me.”
“But Jane,” Lori said slowly, “you know that’s not true.”
“I do, but… I don’t want my children to ever think, ‘I wish my dad was like that man. I wishhewere my father.’”
Lori looked impossibly confused. “What was your father like, Jane?”
She shook her head. How was she supposed to answer that? Would she tell the facts?My real father was a convicted felon in prison for twenty years for bank robbery.Or add a little flavor to it?I never met him, but he wrote to me from prison every week until I turned twelve, and then he disappeared.Or should she talk about Mac, who was the only real father figure she’d ever had?My stepdad was convicted of killing an old woman. He didn’t do it, but everyone was still scared of him, and he did rob a liquor store when he was young.
Jane didn’t know what to say, so she just shook her head.
Lori shook her head, too. “My dad was a mechanic. When he came to pick me up at school, he wore greasy coveralls. His nails were always black with grime. Always. And I never, ever wished my dad was somebody else, no matter what he looked like.”
“I did,” Jane whispered. She felt tears welling up and took a desperate swig of her beer.
“Then your dad wasn’t a good dad for other reasons.”
Oh, God. That was the understatement of the year. “I know. I know it’s irrational and ridiculous. Iknowthat. And I know I’m awful and ugly to think this way, but I’m just…”
Lori took her hand. “What?”
“Terrified.”
“I understand about being scared. You know that. But it’s something to get past, Jane. Not embrace.”
“I’ve gotten past a lot already. I’m settled now.Done.I’m too tired to get past more. I just want a nice, normal husband and a nice, normal family! It doesn’t seem like a lot to ask for.”
“I understand,” Lori said softly. “You know I do. After what I went through last year… But you’ve got something bigger going on, right? Do you want to talk about that?”
“No,” Jane answered quickly. “I don’t. I’m sorry. It’s nothing to do with you. I just want to leave that all behind. I don’t want to drag it along with me for the rest of my life.”
“Okay, but you know it’ll follow you anyway, don’t you?”
“Not if I can help it,” Jane muttered.
“So what are you going to do about Chase?”
Whatwasshe going to do about Chase? “I don’t know. He’s angry with me right now, so I might not have to do anything at all. Maybe it will just fade away.”
“Coward,” Lori said with a smile.
Jane raised her beer in a toast, then chugged half of it down. She might be a coward, but her secret was still safe and she’d happily run away from everyone to keep it that way.
CHAPTER FOURTEEN
THE DOORof Grandma Olive’s apartment flew open and Jane found herself face-to-face with a sleepy-eyed Jessie. “Jess!” she yelped, surprised by how relieved she was to see him without the barrier of Plexiglas between them.
“Hey, sis,” he said as he returned her tight hug.
“You look really good.” He did. He’d been out only for thirty-six hours, but his skin had already lost its pale anxiety.
