Page 159 of Star Bringer
“Oh, I don’t think we’re just starting now, do you?” I shoot back.
He goes pale at the implication, but he doesn’t step back—or away—like I’d hoped he would. Then again, this is Ian, and I’ve yet to see him back down from a fight. But instead of coming at me with one of the biting comments I know so well, he just shakes his head as if to clear it and says, “It wasn’t only my secret to tell.”
My tiny little flare of righteous indignation—brought on by my own guilt and sadness; I’m aware—dies a terrible death. “I know. I didn’t mean to accuse you of anything.”
“Sure you did,” he says easily, the tension leaking from his shoulders. “But I don’t blame you for that. What I am is hard to talk about and even harder to understand.”
He’s not wrong there. “It doesn’t change anything for me, except…” I break off, unsure of how to ask what I’m thinking.
But Ian knows—I can see the knowledge in his eyes even before he says, “He was passed out drunk, Kali. He didn’t feel or witness anything—I swear. I never would have made love to you without you knowing what I was if there was any chance it would be more than just the two of us.”
Relief sweeps through me at his words. And at his understanding that it freaked me out completely, thinking that I’d slept with both of them without knowing it. It’s not that I don’t like Max, and it’s not that this gestalt thing upsets me so much that it makes me not want to be with Ian. It just felt strange to think that someone had seen me like that—so vulnerable emotionally and physically—while I didn’t know anything about it.
“Thank you for explaining that,” I tell him. “It means a lot to me that you made sure.”
He nods.
An awkward silence descends on the galley, and I can’t stand it. Ian and I have fought, laughed, snarked, made love, and none of it has ever been awkward. But now…now it feels like everything is a little bit off, like a picture that’s just a tiny bit out of focus.
I hate it. I’d much rather be fighting with him than have this awkward politeness between us for one minute longer.
Maybe that’s why I choose this moment to say, “I’m going to call the Empress back and tell her I’ll come home.”
Chapter 65
Kali
He freezes in the act of running a hand over his hair. “No, you are not.”
I lift a brow. “Is that Ian the captain speaking or—”
“That’s the man you’re sleeping with speaking,” he growls. “And you don’t just get to walk away when things become a little uncomfortable for you.”
“I don’t know because I’ve never tried it, but I’m pretty sure dying is alotuncomfortable, thank you very much. And I would prefer none of us do it for a very long time.”
Ian doesn’t look impressed. “And you expect me to believe that’s the reason you’re running away?”
“I’m not running away!” I tell him. “I’m leaving so that whoever’s trying to kill me will stop coming after theStarlight. You’ll be safe—all of you will be—and I’ll—”
“Be back home with Mommy?” he finishes. “And what if the person trying to kill you is at the palace?”
“Well, then, you’ll still be safe. And my mother may not be a good leader—” He snorts, but I ignore him and keep talking. “But there’s no way she’s going to let anyone kill the only heir to her throne. So I’m safer there than I am here. And you guys are much safer, too.”
“And that’s the only reason you want to go?” he asks again. “To protect us?”
“Of course. Why else would I want to leave? I love being on theStarlight.”
Ian folds his arms over his chest. “I don’t know, Kali. Why else would you want to leave?”
“That’s what I’m asking you!” I tell him, exasperated.
But he doesn’t answer. He just continues to look at me with a blank face that really isn’t blank at all because it’s so freaking obnoxious. Part of me wants to say to hell with it and walk away right now, but I don’t. Because the longer I stare at him, the more I realize there is something there after all—a strange hurt buried so well in the depths of his eyes that I almost didn’t notice it.
But what does he have to be hurt about? I’m the one leaving theStarlightand the only real almost-friends I’ve ever had. He gets to stay here with everyone, and he and Max get to go after Milla and—
And it hits me. Why he’s so angry—and so hurt. “Oh, Ian.” I reach for him then, resting a hand on his biceps as I close the distance between us. “You can’t think it’s because of the gestalt.”
His ridiculously chiseled jaw clenches so tightly that I’m afraid he’s going to break a molar or three. “Pretty hard to think it’s anything else, considering you just found out about it and you can’t get off this ship fast enough.”
