Page 19 of Up in Smoke
Chapter Eight
Trapped. Trapped. Trapped.
Erin’s body felt feverish and whip-tight. Oxygen felt like it was being sucked in through a straw to her aching lungs. Was that wheezing coming fromher? A dense band of steel lay across her chest, her legs, making it even harder to breath. Heavy. So heavy. She couldn’tmove. Couldn’t form a rational thought. One that would get her shifting, trying to get free. Useless. It would be useless anyway. Once she allowed the trap, it ruled her. How had she gotten here? Allowed this?
You let your guard down and now you’ll pay. Next comes the dark box. Just like the closet. They’ll throw you in, laughing while you plead. Oh God, please don’t let them forget to take the handcuffs off again.Please.Tears blurred her vision before coating her temples, burning the corners of her eyes, wetting her hair. She couldn’t move her hands or turn her head to get rid of them. Locust wings started to flap. Louder. Louder. A scream rose in her throat but it wouldn’t release. No one would hear her anyway. The face in the whirlwind fed off her screams. They gave him more reasons to trap her. Call her crazy.
The smell of sanded wood and pine needles infiltrated her frenetic thoughts. Tears continued to flow, breathing was still painfully difficult, but a tiny bubble of comfort found its way home through the terrible noise. Still trapped. Trapped by Connor? No, that couldn’t be right. He wouldn’t, would he? Had he been a trap, disguised as a magnificent mirage?
“No,” she keened into the dim room. “Not him.”
The steel bands across her chest and legs twitched. Miraculously, they yanked away and she could inhale. She couldn’t move yet, but dragging in the sweet air was enough. Enough for now. She managed to turn her head and focus on the window across the room, but it was blocked by a large object. Connor. It was Connor and he was shouting at her.
“Erin. Ah fuck, sweetheart.No.” He gripped the headboard in his right hand and she heard the wood creak. “I’m so sorry.Dammit.”
“Window,” she croaked. Understanding dawned in Connor’s eyes and he reached for her, obviously intending to scoop her up and carry her over. He jerked his hands back at the last second and cursed, low and vilely. As she watched from the pillow, he started pacing the room like a caged lion. Terrifying and awe-inspiring at the same time. She wanted to say something, do something to comfort him, but she couldn’t think past getting to the window, regaining her equilibrium. Testing her legs and arms, she was surprised to find they moved, accommodating her need to crawl across the bed and dismount on the window side. Odd, it usually took her much longer to gather the strength. The courage.
Connor met her at the glass. “You’re not going out there. Don’t you dare leave me here remembering how you looked—” He raked a hand through his hair. “Tell me how to make it better.”
“Just stand there.” She reached over and laid a hand on his heaving chest. “Right there. You needed a minute last night and I need one now. Okay?”
After a beat, he nodded. “I fell asleep.” His voice sounded far away. Hazy. “I must have…there was a minute before I woke up where I felt so relaxed. Calm. It’s been a long time since I felt like that. And the whole time, you were suffering. Jesus, I hate myself for that.”
A dark shadow obscured her view of the street, draping over her and folding inside her chest. His words bounced around her consciousness, damaging her wherever they struck.I hate myself. If this morning had proved anything, it was that she was beyond repair. Even after the kindness and understanding Connor had shown her, she still wasn’t healthy enough to withstand an embrace. She never would be. Her life had been lived too long this way, and her patterns were set.
Discreetly, she watched Connor’s reflection in the glass. He looked haunted. Ravaged by the need to fix his mistake, when there was no remedy. They’d only known each other for two days and already she’d frustrated him, hurt him. Made him hate himself. She needed to get away from him before she did any more damage. Really, it was selfish of her to have stayed in his magnetic orbit this long. But she could be merciful to them both now. Cut and run. It’s what she did best. After he got over the initial sting of failure, he would be grateful.
She almost laughed when she saw herself in the glass. Hair a rat’s nest. Leather bustier twisted above her stupidYou Wishthong. Yeah, he probably did. Probably wished he had a girlfriend who didn’t have a panic attack from being in his arms. She might as well be a ghost.
“Maybe I am.”
“What’s that, sweetheart?”
His sleep-roughened voice didn’t fail to heat her insides. She may have made the decision to leave, but that wouldn’t make her attraction to him any less intense. “This isn’t going to work.” She spoke to his reflection in the glass, but it still hurt. Especially when his eyes blazed open at her words. “What were we thinking? I spend my life avoiding being tied down. You need to control and fix and manage. It’s a fucking countdown until you start to resent me. Let’s cut this short, shall we?”
“Don’t.” His voice vibrated. “Don’t do this when we’re both upset. Please.”
She spun around with a laugh, searching the floor for her shorts. “One or both of us has been upset the entire whopping two days we’ve known each other. We’re a couples counselor’s wet dream.” Having found her shorts just inside the door, she shimmied them up her legs, gasping when Connor growled at her action.Ignore him. Move faster.
“It won’t happen again,” he promised quietly. “It was an accident. We shouldn’t have—”
“What? Slept in the same bed? Isn’t that something you want to do with yourgirlfriend?” She realized she was shouting and reined herself in. “Look at you. You’re dying to pick me up and shake me, tell me I can’t leave, but you can’t do it. Not without more guilt. More failure. I willruinyou.”
“No.”He strode toward her, stopping a foot away. “I was ruined before we met. You didn’t do that. I did it to myself.” She didn’t have a chance to respond to his impassioned speech before he continued. “Or maybe I don’t even know what being ruined means yet. I’ve already decided you’re mine. If you take yourself away from me, I might find out.”
“You can’t put that on me,” she whispered. “Maybe you’re too noble for your own good. Maybe you can’t see it, but I’m doing what’s best for us both. You need something I can’t give. And I need somethingyoucan’t give.”
The wind left his sails right before her eyes, breath whooshing past his lips. She barely kept herself upright at the guilt driving spikes through her gut. “What can’t I give you?”
“Freedom. You’ll want to tie me down. Inside bed and out.” She swallowed a sob. As much as it would hurt to say what came next, she had no choice. “‘Don’t you dare go out the window, Erin.’ ‘Don’t get yourself off, Erin.’ I can’t live with the threat of my independence being taken away. I can’t live withyou.”
Her words fell like a boulder between them, lodging into the floor and sending cracks to split the room in half. His half. Her half. She wanted to leap over the divide, crawl up into his warmth, and apologize until her heart gave out, but she wouldn’t. This was why she didn’t get nice things. She broke them. Connor was the nicest thing she’d ever had. That’s how she should have known it couldn’t last. Unable to witness the regret, the guilt, in his eyes another second, she darted from the room, snatching up her boots where she’d kicked them off by the couch. She shoved her feet into them and tied the laces way too tight.
“No. You can’t leave right now,” he said from right behind her. “It’s not safe this early in the morning.”
She straightened. “How are you going to stop me?”
“I’ll go. You stay.”
