Page 166 of Seasons of Love
“Oh, Milo.” I kiss the top of his head. “You know this is still not your fault, and people shouldn’t talk to you like it was.”
“That’s not the worse part.”
26
MILO
For the second time in less than a week, I’m reliving the wounds of my past. The history that follows me everywhere in this town because I can’t afford to escape.
For a hair’s breadth of a moment, I thought I had a chance with Ellis, but who would stay with someone with so much baggage?
“Tell me, Milo.”
His voice is soft, almost soothing. I don’t hear any judgment, so I tell him the rest. At least he’ll know, and then he can decide for himself.
“Most people stopped talking to my mom. Things were hard, but we managed, except Mikey was too young to remember when people were nice to us. All he ever saw was the nastiness, so he rebelled. Petty theft. Threatening people for no reason. Doing drugs. Mom didn’t know what to do to help him. He was so angry all the time, and she worked two jobs to keep our heads above water. As he grew older, the crime and drugs got worse. The neighborhood became a hell to live in. Some of his friends died of an overdose, and some ended up in juvie, but he always got out of trouble. We couldn’t afford to move away, then Mom got sick. I dropped out of high school to work to help her out. After Mom died, I tried to keep us together, but that only lasted three years. As soon as Mikey turned eighteen, he left.”
“When people hurt, it’s harder to forgive those that hurt them. Even when the truth is staring them in the face. They know it’s not your fault, but you’re the only one they can aim their anger at.”
“It wouldn’t be so bad if they were just angry with me. But Sara is a baby. This isn’t her fault. She never asked to be born. If I could, I would take her away from here, from Stillwater. We’d start all over again in a new place where no one knows us.”
Ellis holds me tighter. “Where would that leave me? Who’d scan my groceries? Who would I lust over when I stare at my backyard?”
“What? You…still want me?”
Ellis cleans my tears and cradles my face so I have to look at him.
“I don’t still want you. I want you, Milo. My want isn’t conditional. Hell, it’s not even up to me. It’s just there, like a living thing I can’t control.”
He leans over and kisses me. It’s gentle and caring, and I’m half a heartbeat away from falling all the way in love with Ellis.
I miss his lips when he breaks our kiss.
“Can I ask you something?” he asks.
“Sure.”
“The way you reacted when Florrie mentioned the playground at the lake. Does it have anything to do with this?”
I look down at my hands, but he takes them in his, making me look at him again.
“She wants me to fight for the playground. Fight for the good memories.”
“And you don’t want to?”
“Many times when I was playing there, kids used to repeat to me the stuff their parents would say at home. It hurts when I think about all those memories. When I think about it becoming a parking lot, I’m ashamed to feel relief that I won’t have to face those memories. The good ones, like Mom pushing me on the swing or Mikey hanging from the monkey bars pretending to be a real-life monkey…they almost feel like they’re not real memories. Detaching myself from the playground issue is the coward’s way out, I know.”
“I can understand that, and you’re anything but a coward. You’re the bravest person I know, Milo.”
I take a deep breath and try to get up. I won’t go out into the hall, but I can still do the dishes. Ellis stops me.
“Why do you volunteer here?” he asks.
“Because I want to help those who are less fortunate. I don’t have much, but so far, I’ve managed…well, mostly…to keep food on the table.”
Ellis tells me about the first time he saw me here. I feel my face heat from embarrassment.
“Hey, you don’t need to be ashamed. You work so hard and never complain about it. You appreciate when people do nice things for you. You don’t take anything for granted.”
