Page 88 of Always Beth
I nod in agreement. ‘It’s not half bad.’
She grins, studying my face. ‘You, err – what is it the English say? – scrub up well?’
I chuckle at her observation, clearly it was a well-timed trip to the barbers. ‘I thought I should at least try and be presentable after finally agreeing to come out, up until now I don’t think any of you would have wanted to be seen with me in public.’
The others all cheer as they watch the football on the multiple televisions throughout the bar and drown out the silence now lingering between us.
‘That’s not why you haven’t been out though, is it?’ She nods towards my head. ‘You’re lack of haircut, I mean.’
I take a long mouthful of Malbec and place the glass back down gently on the table.
‘No, it isn’t,’ I say finally.
Sensing my tone, she nods and slowly circles her fingertip around the rim of her glass.
‘Don’t tell me you’re not really a top London barrister, you’re secretly on the run and you’ve fooled us all?’
I smile at the thought, as farfetched as it is.Although I am running.
Holding her hand up, she laughs. ‘Okay, something more serious, bad break-up?’
Raising my brows, I exhale heavily. I don’t even think you could call it a break-up, we weren’t even technically together and, despite the fact I miss Beth every day, she’s not why I’m here.
‘No, no bad break-up.’ I take another mouthful, emptying my glass and she immediately refills it.
‘It’s okay, James, you don’t have to tell me—’
‘I lost someone…I mean, someone close to me…they died.’
Sitting back in her seat, she fills her glass once more and her eyes flick back and forth between the televisions and the table. ‘I’m sorry to hear that. I know how that feels.’
Being faced with someone else’s loss rather than my own almost feels cathartic and for some reason I’m compelled to hear her story.
‘Was it recent?’ I ask.
‘No, it was a long time ago. When we were fourteen, at school, there was a bus crash. He died and all I walked away with was this.’ She turns her forearm over to reveal a scar about five inches in length, now somewhat faded but a clear reminder, nevertheless.
‘You know that’s why I chose to do this job, to fight for all those people that can’t afford representation, that still deserve justice. It was too late for Luca, but every day I feel like I’m doing something that would make him proud, that doesn’t mean his death was in vain. I can still remember it like it happened yesterday but overtime the pain it gets a little less.’
I sit and contemplate her words, not nearly enough time has passed for me to get to where she is in her stage of grief.
‘But friends help, you know, and family of course, especially when they share in your grief.’
‘What if you’re lacking both those areas?’ I laugh slowly.
She shrugs and studies the wine left in her glass. ‘Well, when I said family, some get it, some don’t. There are some bonds so strong, no one could ever get it.’
I stare back at her, her hair which was tied back earlier is now full and thick as it lies around her shoulders and for a brief moment, it reminds me of Lauren before the chemotherapy.
‘I found a wonderful guy though and he doesn’t even ask me to explain my grief, he just accepts it, and I think that’s why I fell in love with him, because he loves me unconditionally and understands that Luca is a part of who I am.’
I smile as every word she says resonates with me and my stomach churns as I think of Beth and how every single time, she allowed me the space I needed without so much as a question or demand.
‘You’re very quiet, I hope I haven’t depressed you?’ She laughs as she finishes another glass.
‘Not at all.’ I pause for a moment and think about my next question. It’s within my nature to probe, it comes with the territory of the job, but for some reason I feel like I need to ask this for a completely different reason.
‘So, Luca…was he your boyfriend?’
