Page 61 of Always Beth
He tips his head back and stares aimlessly into the honeysuckle archway. ‘I can’t do that to you, Beth, you’ve got too much going on in your own life at the moment, it wouldn’t be fair.’
Panic begins to set in, he’s ending this, whatever this was. Before it’s barely begun.
I gaze up at him, unable to find any words to justify my feelings. Because they mean very little in comparison to what they’re going through. The one thing I can’t do is stop the tears from filling my eyes as I realise that calling time on this is the only option right now.
‘I’m so sorry. I thought that I could have it all, but I can’t. You were right asking me to choose between you and Lauren yesterday.’ He laughs softly and it causes a warmth to spread throughout my body. ‘Granted, you thought it was a different choice I was making, but nevertheless it has to be her. For so long we’ve only had each other and to deny her any of my time is wrong. I thought I could pretend it wasn’t happening, and you helped me forget, but I have to face reality.’
As I nod, the tears I’ve been holding in trickle down my cheeks and as I open my mouth to speak, my voice betrays me as the only sound that emerges is the internalised sob I’ve been suppressing.
‘Beth—’
He reaches out once more and I hurry backwards down the path. ‘It’s okay, James, I understand, I do. Don’t worry about me, I’ll be fine.’ I rummage through my bag, desperate to find my keys so I can put some firm distance between us before I really break down. ‘I’ll see you soon. If you or Lauren need anything, you know where I am.’
‘Thank you,’ he says solemnly.
I push my key into the lock and stumble into the darkness, closing the door to my heartbreak. I wander on autopilot into the kitchen and scoop Poppy from her basket. I take the stairs as fast as possible and crash onto the bed, burying my head into the pillow, letting out everything I’ve been holding in. If I thought I felt bad last night, nothing could have prepared me for this.
* * *
One week feels like forever. Like when you’re a child and you’re waiting for the holidays or Christmas. Apparently a week is also a long time when you’re waiting to hear about your divorce or waiting to hear from someone who has made a dramatic impact on your life in a short space of time. Neither seems likely right now. I carefully put the final wax melt of the biggest order I’ve had to date in its packaging and unceremoniously dump it by the cottage door. It’s the same company again and again, who knows why they’d need this many wax melts. I haven’t been back to the post office since I dramatically destroyed their gift card display, and the order can afford to wait one more day. I tip back the last of the tea in my cup and wince as I realise how long I’ve left it on the side. My mind is officially elsewhere, approximately five minutes down the road. On every dog walk this week, I’ve secretly hoped we would bump into one another, but it’s like he’s disappeared off the face of the earth.
‘Come on, Pops, let’s go out.’ I take her lead from the side, and she scampers from her basket. Every day the weather seems to get a little bit warmer and today’s no exception. The lane is particularly quiet, with only the sounds of the birds to fill my senses and the patter of Poppy’s paws. I release her lead a little and she hurries ahead. She’s about as eager for a glimpse of Dick as I am of James. She tugs hard and as I release her a little more she yaps repeatedly with excitement. My heart hammers in my chest and as I pass the curve in the lane, I spot that familiar pointy nose protruding beyond the hedgerow and hold my breath as my feet automatically quicken.
‘Beth!’
Oh.
‘Lauren, how are you?’ I say in surprise.
‘Still got cancer.’
I pause, flustered, unable to think of anything suitable to say. She renders me as speechless as James.
‘Sorry, Beth, my humour’s a bit—’
‘Dry.’
She smiles and nods, tucking a wisp of dark brown hair behind her ear.
‘Yeah, I suppose you’re used to that already, aren’t you?’
‘A little.’
‘Shall we walk?’ She points along the lane, and I glance down at both dogs who seem unable to tear themselves away from one another and realise if I want to keep Poppy happy the only answer’s yes.
‘Sure, why not.’
We walk in silence for a good five minutes before Lauren finally breaks. ‘So have you heard anything from Caroline?’
A small part of me is relieved at the question, as I think I would die of embarrassment if she brought up James.
‘No, unfortunately, I haven’t. I was hoping things could be resolved quite quickly, but he’s denying adultery so without proof I’m a bit screwed to be honest.’
‘What an absolute prick,’ she cries.
I giggle at her sudden outburst. It’s nice to have another woman to talk to about this, someone who has my back.
‘Is he still seeing this woman?’
