Page 50 of Always Beth
‘Oh shush, grumps. How was yourpersonal business?’ She air quotes.
‘Fine,’ I force out.
‘I barely heard from you.’ Her eyes narrow, studying me. She’s trying to read between the lines.
‘I’m sorry, it was, err, a hectic one.’
‘You’re such a flaming closed book. I’ll tell you about my weekend and you tell me about yours.’
Like I want to hear about her weekend. Jacob this, Jacob that, I can hear it all already, ringing in my ears, drowning me with unwelcome memories.
‘I don’t want to know about your weekend.’
Standing abruptly, she wraps herself in her blanket and storms towards the stairs, pausing at the bottom.
‘I was looking forward to you coming home, but I don’t know why I bothered, because this is how you behave. I don’t know what’s got into you all of a sudden, but you’ve become more secretive than ever.’
‘You’re a fine one to talk – how long have you and Jacob been talking behind my back?’ I say bitterly.
The anger in her face subsides and her eyes fill with tears; this isn’t a crack in her armour, I’ve caused this.
‘I’m not just doing this for me, I’m doing it for you.’
My head’s pounding and I massage my temples as I try and think of the words. ‘Lauren, I’ve told you already, I’m fine, I’ll be fine and even if I wasn’t, Jacob would be the last person I’d turn to.’
‘It’s not like you have a wife or a girlfriend. You’ll need someone.’
Does she know? There’s very little I keep from her, but my love life is one of them.
‘It’s late.’ I nod towards the stairs. She starts to climb slowly, one stair at a time. I follow closely behind and on every step I’m filled with immense relief we aren’t going to bed on an argument. I couldn’t bear it. She turns and gives me a lopsided smile, closing her door behind her. Sinking down on the bed, I collapse back against the mattress. Reaching out into the empty space beside me, I reflect on the last few nights, and maybe Lauren is right, maybe I do need someone, now more than ever.
Beth
He didn’t text.
I don’t know what I was expecting from him. A simple goodnight would have sufficed. But nothing. Perhaps the weekend was all it was after all. The weekend. If nothing else, I fucked my way through the heartbreaking memories that resurfaced on more than one occasion and it was nice to be physically wanted again. Clearly James isn’t a relationship kind of guy. Melanie proved that. I just don’t think I’m cut out for casual sex. Although it’s not like we’re not both single and if anyone could talk me into it, it’s him.
Opening the windows wide, the warmth of the spring air hits me immediately and I don’t know if it’s the season that’s easing my tension or my newfound sexual enlightenment. Because it’s like I’ve been born again. The things he says and the things he does to me, hell the things I want to do to him. I’ve never felt as sexually alive as I do right now. Some might call it a midlife crisis, but I’m beginning to realise sex with the right person is the best sex. Leaning against the window frame, I inhale deeply as I sip my tea and relax as the memories wash over me.
‘Beth!’
Startled, I open my eyes to find David wandering along the path with Poppy pattering behind him. Jesus, I almost forgot she wasn’t here. I open the front door and she zooms past me straight into her basket, without even as much as a hello.
‘How was she?’
‘As good as gold, a bit subdued though, like she was pining. Probably missing you.’
I glimpse at her around the kitchen corner and it doesn’t look like a case of missing your owner to me, more like some kind of lovesickness. If I wasn’t in a similar state myself, it would actually be quite sickening to watch.
‘So, Beth, I was wondering, could I maybe, you know, take you out sometime?’
Turning back to David, I slowly process the question and a new kind of horror unfolds, one I haven’t been faced with since my early twenties.
‘Oh, erm, I’m quite busy right now, I’ve a lot going on. I’m flattered you asked, it’s just I don’t think I can get into anything with anyone at the moment.’ My temperature starts to rise, not only because I’ve just rejected my sweet postman and dogsitter on my doorstep, but because of the whopping great lie I’ve told. I’m very much for getting into something with someone, but that someone happens to be all the things I love to hate and all the things I crave rolled into one and delivers me more than my mail.
‘Oh, okay, well maybe when you’re not so busy then?’
‘Yeah, maybe. Thanks again for looking after Poppy.’
