Page 15 of Always Beth
We continue to sit surrounded by only the sound of the television and despite trying my hardest to concentrate, I can’t get Beth from my head.
‘You’re distracted,’ she says after swallowing her final mouthful, then sinks back into the couch.
‘I’m not.’
‘Good, I want to talk to you.’
Jesus.‘What about?’
She pauses, reaches for the remote and switches off the television.
‘I was watch—’
‘No, you weren’t.’
Great, this isn’t any old chat. It’s either about earlier or something from the past she’s deciding to drag up. She has me pinned to spot with her eyes and I couldn’t escape this even if I wanted to. Why can’t we live in the here and now, that’s so much more important than anything else.
‘Do you ever think about Grace?’ she says finally.
Great.‘Why would you bring her up, Lauren, that was five years ago?’
‘I just wondered.’
‘Well, don’t wonder. Grace and I are long done with. We don’t need to talk about her.’
Of all the people to bring up, she brings up my ex. Not any old ex. The ex. The one who confined me to the single life. The reason I’ve not had a relationship since.
‘Well, if you don’t want to talk about Grace, we should at least talk about—’
‘I get it, that’s your real motivation, but I don’t want to talk about him. There you go, I’ve said it.’
I stand, throwing my hands in the air in defeat. I pull her empty plate swiftly from her lap and feel her right behind me as I hurry to the kitchen. She isn’t going to let this go.
‘Well, I do. I want you to make it up with him. You’re going to need him when I’m gone.’
The plates shatter as I launch them into the sink. ‘I don’t fucking need him. I’ll never need him.’
‘Stop pushing everyone way.’
‘You know, this is typical of you. Stop trying to fix everyone and everything. Worry about yourself, you’re the one who’s ill.’
She holds her ground firmly as tears well in her eyes and, as mad as I am, I can’t bear to see her break. ‘Lauren…’
I pull her into my arms and for the first time in forever, she doesn’t reciprocate, and I get a taste of what it will be like never to have the comfort of her again. She exhales heavily and her tiny frame shakes within my grasp. ‘You’re my world, you have to have someone when I’m gone and if you won’t make it up with him, I don’t know who.’
‘I’ll be okay.’ I swallow hard as I rest my head on top of hers. It’s a lie, the most painful lie I’ve ever told.
Pushing lightly against my chest, she looks up at me and the change in her expression tells me we are about to go a second round. ‘Okay? I want you to be devastated!’
I pull her back in and she wraps her arms around me, and I can finally relax. ‘I’ll never get over it,’ I whisper.
‘Just think about speaking to him, for me, please?’
Fuck.I’ll do anything for her, and she knows it. ‘Okay.’
Beth
He changed one tyre, and I invited him over.
