Page 19 of Always Beth
He wanders ahead of me, releasing Dick to the ground. ‘I’ll see you around, Beth.’
I stand glued to the spot. He’s everything I should be steering clear of. He’s unbelievable. But I know, eventually, he’s going to have me.
ChapterSix
James
The clinical smell is the first thing that hits you and stays with you long after you’ve left. I would rather Lauren had her chemotherapy at home but no matter how many times I’ve tried to put my foot down, she’s always remained the boss. I should be used to it by now, but when it matters, like this really matters, I wish she would listen to me.
‘I don’t like it in here.’ I scan the room, searching for something, anything that could improve the situation.
‘Sorry, was this not the party you were expecting?’ She grits her teeth as she drops her magazine into her lap.
‘It’s just—’
‘Don’t say full of sick people,’ Lauren hisses.
‘Well…’
‘You’re such a snob, how did I get lumbered with you?’
Lumbered? There are many ways to describe our relationship, personally lumbered has never crossed my mind. Sure, I’ve been absent a lot over the years, leading my own life independent from her, but is that really how she feels, that she’s been stuck with me all this time?
‘You love me…’ I whisper the words so faintly, even I can barely hear them.
Her cold, fragile hand covers my own and squeezes as tightly as possible. ‘More than anything.’
My gaze follows the tube travelling along her arm and I drag my eyes to hers as they become heavy with emotion. ‘Does it hurt?’
‘It’s cold.’
My breathing falters as I try and think of something, anything, to talk about, other than what’s happening right now, but all I can think about is how much I don’t want her to die. Turning, I stare out the window praying for a distraction, but the outside is as uninviting as the inside. Running her fingers through my hair, she tugs on the little grip she can manage and drags my face back to her. ‘James—’
‘I’m going to go and get a drink.’ Standing, I pull myself away from her and head straight for the exit. On every step I measure how much of a terrible person I am and by the time I reach the vending machine, I’ve certified myself as the worst person to have ever supported a loved one through chemo. How exactly am I helping her? When all I can think about is my life before this happened or my life without her. I don’t want it to be about me, but it feels like it is.
* * *
I’ve lost count of the people that have passed me in the corridor. I couldn’t face going back in, ashamed by my inability to support her in the way she needs, the way I promised I would. So here I am waiting outside like a coward. As I stare into the remnants of my cold tea, my body tenses as I hear her voice become louder before she emerges through the swing doors. As she thanks the nurses, her eyes fall upon me and now I know that the disappointment she has in me, far surpasses any I have in myself.
I quickly pull myself to my feet, taking a tentative step towards her. ‘Are we good to go?’
‘Really?’
A lump forms in my throat and I know I deserve everything I’m in for and more.
‘You left me in there. What’s the point of you even being here?’ she cries.
‘I’m sorry, it’s a lot.’
‘A lot? You’re not the one being pumped full of drugs, you’re not the one losing this.’ She tugs at my hair for the second time this afternoon with a force that tells me everything.
I wrestle myself free and lower my gaze. ‘I’d never leave you.’
‘No, but one of us is going to go first and right now, things look rosier for you than they do for me.’ She hurries along the corridor and surprisingly, I find myself struggling to catch up with her. I wrap my fingers around her arm and as she winces I realise I’ve grabbed the worst arm of the two.
‘What is that supposed to mean? What aren’t you telling me?’ I force out through gritted teeth.
Her eyes fall to the floor as she turns to me and the sadness on her face weighs heavy on my heart.
