Page 50 of All of Him
“Amanda,” I said softly.
She pulled her head away and looked at me, though not letting go of my waist.
“I’m okay.” I felt her grip loosen, but a tear fell from her eye and rolled down her cheek. I raised my thumb and wiped it away, chills forming on my arms from the touch.
In all my cumulative years with Morgan and my other ex, I had never had such an intimate moment. No one had ever seen me cry like that. I’d hidden it from Morgan well, but Amanda had brought it out of me so quickly. She didn’t seem to think less of me, and that gave me the confidence to be even more open with her. It also made me realize that maybe not everyone cared as much as I thought they did about how emotional I could be.
Amanda eventually pulled away and backed up again, plastering a smile on her face. It was a smile of relief, and I felt guilty for scaring her.
“Sorry I hugged you,” she said, biting her lip. “You don’t seem big on that.”
“I’m normally not,” I admitted, “but it’s okay. I needed it. And your hugs are kind of awesome.”
“When’s the last time you had a hug?” she asked, blushing with my compliment.
I thought about it, remembering that it had been my therapist before I left for the States. Before that, it had been Morgan on the day she left.
“Couple months ago,” I answered honestly. “My therapist back in Ireland.”
Amanda smiled and cocked her head to the side.
“You didn’t have to share that.”
“I mean, you just witnessed a panic attack and a Xanax bottle, so I figured it was an obvious conclusion.” I paused and took a deep breath, looking into her eyes again. “PTSD and depression.”
It felt good to get it out, and again, she didn’t seem to be affected by it.
“It makes sense with what you went through,” she said. “And I’m always here if you need any of myawesomehugs.”
We stared at each other for a few beats, neither of us sure how to continue the conversation. It didn’t take too long though before Amanda pulled her awkwardness right back out.
“Can we have pizza for dinner? Today took a lot out of me.”
“Sure.” I chuckled, punching her shoulder playfully. “Pizza and beer.”
27
Amanda
NOAH AND I THREWa pizza in the oven once we were done for the day. He followed that up with taking me for a walk through the property. We weaved through the woods and fields on his running route, which he explained he used to calm his nerves.
The panic attack I’d witnessed scared me, but I might not have taken it as hard if I hadn’t just learned about the details of his accident. I wasn’t sure how put off he had been by my hug, but he seemed to be okay with it. Still, I wasn’t going to make that a thing. I could feel how stiff his body had been up against mine. Comfortable with talking to me or not, he wasn’t a toucher.
The night was supposed to involve Noah telling me something personal, but the panic attack and mention of his diagnoses were more than I’d expected. I wasn’t going to push for anything further. Whether or not he wanted more ofmystories, I wasn’t sure.
“So,” Noah started, handing me a beer, “are you feeling better after last weekend?”
I groaned as he sat next to me on the back porch swing my dad had put up that day.
“Come on, Amanda. Talk to me.”
I pulled the fleece blanket we shared up to my chin and my knees to my chest.
“I guess I didn’t realize I had a reputation, and that kind of hurt me, you know?”
Noah nodded, facing forward toward the remnants of a perfect sunset. The sky was almost black, and I could smell a fireplace from another house in the distance.
“You’re not a slut,” he said definitively.
