Page 26 of Diamonds in the Dark
“Cindy, how am I supposed to make something work with Gwen? I can't just tell her I am dead, but I want to be with her anyway. I can't meet her friends or her dad. I can't do the normal dates or anything. I can’t even eat food. How long do you think I can be around her before she starts questioning all of that? I don't know what I can do at this point but disappear and hope she moves on.”
“I don't know the answers to all of this, Asher, but please go find her and please don't be afraid to love her. Somehow, this is all going to work out. I just don't know how it's going to play out in order for you to be with her. In the end you will be with her though.”
“This is crazy talk. I do not see any feasible way she and I can be together. I'm sorry, I just don't! So, what you are saying is you want me to go lead her on for something that can never be? That's just awful! I can't do that to her. I just can't!” I yell at Cindy.
“Asher, I must go now. I hope you think about our talk. I know you don't see a way, but I promise you, this is all going to work out. I don't know what the plan is, but at least consider easing her pain and giving her your affections. See what happens; take a leap of faith. Please don’t chalk this up as impossible and walk away without at least giving it a chance. You know, some would say two ghosts standing here talking is impossible as well, yet here we are. Then, there is the fact my daughter can see you when no one else can. There is a lot that can be said in that. There is also the fact you two can physically touch, wouldn't you say that should be beyond impossible as well? All I am asking, Asher, is for you to think about what I am saying. I really must go now. I am wearing myself out allowing you to see me.”
“Wait, one more question! Cindy, you being her mom, can she see you?” I ask. I don't know why, but I need to know the answer to this question, maybe to know that I am really the only ghost Gwen is able to see.
“No, unfortunately she cannot me, I sometimes wish she could so I could comfort her, but no, when I am standing right beside her, she has no clue I am there. I could maybe make myself visible to her in certain situations as I am doing with you right now, but she cannot see me the way she can see you. She does at times feel my presence with her, but that is all, and she questions if that's real or if it's just wishful thinking. Now, I really must be going.” With those final words she disappears.
I stand staring at the spot where Cindy had been standing. I don't know how I didn’t guess from the beginning she was Gwen's mom. They look a lot alike. I have not seen or talked to another ghost since I have been dead. I thought it was weird that I seemed to be the only one walking around this town. I guess when I was alive, I always thought that if there really were ghosts, they probably had their own little world and hung out together, kind of like a parallel universe type thing. I was wrong of course. I still don't know how she made herself visible to me. She's been dead less time than I have and has a hell of a lot more figured out about all of this than I do. I guess I have been so focused on my family and my own self-pity, that I never thought to learn anything about my current situation.
Everything Cindy said to me keeps running through my head. I don't know what to do. I am conflicted. I selfishly want to run straight to Gwen and hope for the best. There is a part of me though, that is so afraid I am going to hurt her worse by trying to be a part of her life. For God’s sake, I am dead, and how do you explain that to someone you might be falling in love with? If she did know, I am sure she would want to run in the opposite direction as fast as she could. I want to believe Cindy and I have no reason not to, but everything she said seems so unreal to me. I cannot imagine any possibility of something between Gwen and I working out.
I start walking while still fighting the war in my head as to what I should do. I want to do the right thing, not the thing that feels right to me. That could very well be the wrong move. My biggest fear is hurting Gwen when she has been through so much recently. I don't want to add to that, but from what Cindy just said and from what I have witnessed with my own eyes, I am already adding to her grief because I disappeared from her life with no explanation. I look up, it's getting dark. I find myself standing in front of my brother's condo. His truck isn't parked outside his garage like normal, so I can only assume he is out doing God knows what. I walk inside to see if anything inside is better. It's not. In fact, the smell is so bad, I dry heave as soon as I walk in the door. I immediately turn around and walk back out. I don't want to do another walk through that disgusting mess again. I sit in front of his garage thinking and worrying for so long I lose track of time.
Headlights shine into my face and blind me as a car pulls into the condo next door. It's Gwen. She pulls into her garage and is gone. I hear the garage door close. I don't think she saw me. I kind of wish she had, even though I would have had to explain why I was sitting outside her neighbor’s condo. I want to see her. No, I need to see her. I have never needed anything more in my life than to hold her in my arms. She makes me feel unbroken. I am losing this battle of staying away from her. I don't think I can fight it anymore. The instant her hat flew from her head, and she spoke to me that very first time, I knew my heart was stolen from my chest and belonged to her. If what Cindy said has any truth to it, I would be stupid to fight against my feelings for Gwen any longer, but what if she’s wrong and I hurt her?
Chapter 20
Gwen
The dinner with Dad and Elise went great. Elise is a wonderful cook, and they are fun to be around. She made a homemade lasagna that was to die for. It was the best lasagna I believe I have ever had the pleasure of putting in my mouth. It wasn't like the ones I usually make at home for myself. I buy the premade ones from the store. You just heat in the oven for two hours or so and dinner is served.
It does make me a little forlorn to see Dad laughing and smiling with another woman that isn’t my mom, but only because it shows me how life is moving on. I know that he deserves to be happy, so I am thankful he's found someone like Elise to help fill the void that I know he has had since Mom died. She does make him happy, and he seems to make her happy as well. Maybe they are both getting a second chance at a happily ever after. I hope so.
All night, my thoughts kept drifting to Asher. Watching Dad and Elise together reminded me how happy I was just to be near him and how in the very brief time I got to be with him, even during the sharing of our sob stories, I felt happiness that I had never felt before. I felt a connection with him that I have never felt with anyone else. It was all so fast and so overwhelming. It is obvious, now, that he didn't feel the same way about me. If he had, it would be impossible for him to have just disappeared from my life as he did. He warned me and I should have listened. It's my own fault I feel the way I do. He was honest from the beginning that we could never be together. I should not have let myself get attached to him. I was listening to what he was saying, but there was a small voice in the back of my head telling me maybe one day he would change his mind and we could be something more.
I find Sam sitting on the couch. I pick him up, love on him and take him to the kitchen. I open him a can of wet cat food to make up for my being away most of the day. He gobbles it down like he is starving, which he's not. He just likes to be dramatic when it comes to his food. He has a whole bowl of dry food he could have been eating all day. Spoiled rotten cat. I give him a couple of scratches behind the ear and go up to my room to change into my pajamas. I am not ready for bed yet. I believe a night of lounging out on the couch and reading sounds like a good idea.
I go back to the kitchen and throw some popcorn in the microwave and set the timer for three minutes, clean up around the kitchen, and when the popcorn is done, I dump it into a large bowl and make my way to the living room. I sit my popcorn down on the coffee table and walk to my bookshelves. My shelves are full of books I have yet had the time to read. It's so hard to choose one. There are so many that look and sound great. I pull one after the other off the shelf until I finally decide on one that I have had sitting there for a while. There is a knock on the door. I jump. Every time someone knocks on that door at night, I have flashbacks to Edward. I look at the clock on the wall in the living room. It's almost ten o’clock. A little late for someone to knock on my door. I walk over to the door and look out the peephole. My breath catches and I have to remember to breathe. It’s Asher!
I open the door and we just stand there looking at each other for what seems like an eternity. I don't think either of us knows what to say. I feel a tear slide slowly down my face.
“Gwen, I am so sorry.” he whispers
I leap into his arms. I can't stop myself. I don't care why he has been gone so long. All I know, at this moment, is he is here, and I feel that spark, that feeling of being at home right in his arms. He embraces me and holds me tight, burying his face in my hair. I don't know how long we stand there wrapped in each other's arms. Both of us are savoring the moment and branding it into our memories. He lets me go and I invite him into the house. We both sit on the couch, just looking at each other. Finally, he breaks the silence.
“Gwen, I want to be honest with you, I tried to stay away, but I can’t do it any longer. I want and need to be near you. This past month has been complete hell and I can't fight this anymore. I should have stayed away. It would have been the proper thing for me to do. But I can't do it anymore and I am tired of fighting it. Whatever this is between us, I need to know where it leads.” He says as a tear slips down his cheek.
I reach over and hug him. He holds on tight to me. I will never get over how good it feels to be near him, let alone wrapped in his arms. I don't know how or why, but it's perfect.
“Asher, I don't know what your reason is for fighting this so hard and I don't expect an answer right now. I hope in time you will let me in and tell me what this is all about. Right now, I don't care what the reasoning is. I am just glad you are here. I don't want to be without you either. Proper or not, I want you here in my life. I want to see where this thing goes as well. There is something that is pulling us together and I want to see what it is all about. I am scared, but I am more afraid of a future not knowing what we could have had and without you in it.”
He pulls me onto his lap and holds me close as you would a baby. I curl into him. I can't get close enough. Every worry and stress in my life vanishes while being wrapped up in his arms. I realize this is what contentment feels like. Something I never experienced before in my adult life.
“Gwen, I have so much to tell you and to explain to you, but I don't want to get into everything tonight. It would take hours if not days to explain it all. Right now, I just want to be right here in this moment with you. I never want to let you go,” he whispers into my ear.
I reach my face up to his and kiss him gently on the cheek and taste the salt from his tears. How is it that we can feel this much intensity about each other in such a brief time? Not to mention we haven't spent much time together. I don't understand it, but I no longer care, he's here. The feelings are real for both of us. I know at this moment we are falling for each other like the stars fall from the sky and we are both no longer fighting it. We are finally just allowing it to happen naturally.
He reaches up, cups my chin in his hand and pulls my face towards him. His lips touch mine and the electric fire where our lips meet starts burning me alive. It consumes me. The kiss deepens and becomes more urgent. All of the gentleness has left. We are starving for each other. He pulls back and makes eye contact with me. He must see the desire in my eyes mirroring his own because he picks me up and starts up the stairs carrying me in his arms. I know where he is taking me. To my bedroom. When we reach my bedroom, he sits me down and grabs the back of my head, pulling me in for another deep and searching kiss. Stepping back, he reaches for my shirt and pulls it over my head, then reaches for the drawstring on my pants and unties it. He watches as my pants fall to the floor. He stands there just looking at me. I am completely naked. Usually, I would want to hide myself. I don't like being naked in front of anyone, but I don't feel that way with Asher. I want him to see me, the real me with all of my imperfections.
“Gwendolyn, you are beautiful,” he whispers.
I reach out and pull his shirt up. He has to help me take it off because of his height. His eyes never leave mine except when his shirt goes over his head and then they are locked right back on mine. The heat between us could set the whole room on fire. There are several scars on his chest. I assume they are from his time in the military. They only add to his appeal. I reach up and trace each one lightly with my fingers. I want to lick and kiss him all over, marking him as my own. I reach for the waistband of his jeans and pull him to me as I undo the button and zipper, which is difficult to get down with his erection pressing tight up against it. I love seeing him as hungry for me as I am for him. I feel a new wave of heat pool between my legs. Once his pants finally hit the ground, he drops his boxers himself and I am left looking at this beautiful man with an impressive erection that is all for me.
I drop to my knees in front of him and ease the length of him into my mouth, loving the little noises that he makes as I slowly work him. I speed up just to hear his moans grow louder as they escape his mouth. He grabs my head and holds me still.
