Page 25 of Diamonds in the Dark
I smell him. The smell is so strong, it's as if the warm breeze that wrapped me up in its embrace carried his scent straight to me. I feel his presence as well. It feels like he's standing near me. I jump up and look everywhere, spinning in circles wondering where he is hiding. He is nowhere in sight! The disappointment drops me to my knees, and I just sit there looking around hoping he will step out from behind a statue or something.
Why does this keep happening to me? I smell him when I wake up, and I have washed my bedding, so I know his smell is gone from it. I smell him everywhere at random times, and now when I am here at the cemetery. It's like I think about him and somehow, I conjure up his smell. I think I am losing my mind. I need to get out of here. I jog back to my car. I get in and drive to Elise’s.
Chapter 19
Asher
I needed to see her, and here she is, like an answer to a prayer. I know I need to just stay away from her! Sometimes I can't fight it anymore and I just need to see her and be near her. I stand back and watch as she looks around. Is she looking for me? She’s crying and that breaks my heart. I hate this! I thought if I just stayed away, if I just left her alone, this would all get easier for the both of us. Well, it hasn't. It has only gotten worse for us. I don't deserve those precious tears that she is crying because of me. I am sure she is looking for me, she looks frantic. She stood up quickly and is now turning in circles. Does she somehow know that I am here? That's the only thing that makes sense, but how can she know that? I have to be sure she can't see me. I don't want her to think I am stalking her because I'm not, not really. I just needed to see how she was. I could hear what she was saying to her mom from where I am standing. I didn't mean to eavesdrop, but when she started talking about me, I couldn't walk away. I wanted to hear what she said. I wish I could tell her I feel the same. I want to hold her and kiss away her tears. I want her to be mine. I wish I could turn back time. I wish I could make it possible for us to be together. Why are we drawn to each other so strongly when there is absolutely no way we can ever be together? I thought disappearing would help her to let go and move on. It's done nothing to help her or me.
She is still crying as she gets in her car and drives off. My heart breaks into a million pieces. I fall to my knees in despair and cry. Why does it have to be this way? Why can’t she just move on and forget about me? I am not worth all of those tears. The grass around me starts waving in the wind, and out of nowhere I feel a warm breeze brush up against me. I look around and see a lady dressed in all white walking towards me. I have never seen her before. She continues walking towards me, staring right at me until she is standing in front of me.
“Asher, you love her, don't you?” she asks.
I stand up and look around. Who is this lady and where did she come from? I know she is talking about Gwen. I wonder what she has to do with Gwen and me. “I don't know.” I answer her truthfully.
“Well, I know she loves you. She may not want to put it into words yet, but what she feels for you is pure love.”
“How do you know this? Who are you?” I ask. I am thrown off by this lady's statement.
“I know this because she tells me things. Things she doesn't and won't tell anyone else. When she needs to bleed her heart, I am who she comes to. As for who I am, I am not sure you are ready for that answer yet, but we will get to that soon,” she says.
“How can you know if you love someone in such a short period of time?” I ask. I am a little weirded out. She won't tell me who she is, but she must know Gwen personally, and I want to hear what she has to say since she came here and found me.
“I knew I loved my husband within an hour of knowing him. Just being in the same space as him felt like home. When he wasn't with me, it felt like half my world was missing and I know he felt the same way. It's not a terrible thing to be in love,” she tells me.
“Well, you don't fully understand the circumstances here because I can't be with Gwen. There is nothing I can do to change that. To be with her is to lie to her and eventually make her hate me,” I spit out in anger. Who is this lady? Why does she think she understands my situation?
“Asher don't get angry with me. I am here to try to help you both. I know more than you may think I do. You made one huge mistake, and that was going on a suicide mission and throwing yourself into every dangerous situation you could. You didn't want to be a hero. You wanted to die. When you were fighting overseas, you willingly went into every dangerous situation you could hoping you wouldn't come back out alive. I know what Carey did messed you up, but you never once stopped to think about what you were doing and how it would affect people, did you? Maybe even people you hadn't met yet?”
I stare at her in silence. She apparently knows a lot more about me than I thought and that doesn't seem possible. It catches me off guard because no one but me knows about the things she is speaking of. No one knew what was in my head when I was overseas except me. I am confused as to how she can know so much about me when I don't even know who in the hell she is. How can she know stuff that was only in my own head at the time it was going on? She has my full attention now.
“I know you are confused right now, and I would be too. I want to explain one thing to you. The people you affected weren't only your family and friends. You affected Gwendolyn’s future as well,” she explains.
“What? How did that happen? How would what I did affect her future? I didn't even know her until a while back,” I retort. I am flabbergasted.
“It's pretty simple Asher if you really think about it. How you feel about her and how she feels about you. You and her both keep questioning how you have these strong feelings for each other and how it happened so quickly. Well, the answer is you were and are her soul mate,” she says.
“What?” I whisper.
“Asher, let me finish. That is why you both cannot let this go, it's eating you both alive. That is also why she is able to see you. Didn’t you wonder why she could see you when no other soul in this world even knows you are still here walking around on this planet? Not your parents or your own twin. To everyone Asher, you have been dead for four years, but Gwen can see you, hear you, and touch you. She doesn't even suspect you are anything other than alive. Have you not wondered why that is?”
My world starts spinning, I already knew I was dead, that's not news to me and that is also the reason I have been fighting the feelings I have for Gwen. What can a dead guy offer a living woman? I figured out I was dead a few weeks after I died, when my parents wouldn't acknowledge me when I was standing right in front of them and when they couldn't hear me when I spoke to them. It was a shock when I realized I was a ghost. They can sometimes hear me if I make noises with my hands or something like my bad habit of tapping the table with my fingers. Other than that, they have no clue I am here with them. Then, there is the fact I can just walk into any place I want, and no one is any the wiser I am there. Yes, I had wondered why Gwen could see me. I had thought about it a lot since the first day we met. I was in shock when she looked at me and spoke. That's why when her hat flew and landed right at me, I didn't pick it up. She shouldn't have known I was standing there, yet she did. If I concentrate, I can become invisible to her, which is what I had been doing lately, hoping she would forget about me and move on with her life. But if I’m not trying to be invisible, she can see me. The thought never crossed my mind that she was my soulmate and that's why she could see me when no one else could. I just figured she had a weird gift or something, that she was able to see dead people, but she didn't realize they were dead.
“Asher are you okay? she asks with concern in her voice.
“Yes, no, I don't know, but it's time for you to tell me who in the hell you are,” I whisper.
“Okay, you are right. I am Cindy, I am Gwendolyn’s mother. Now you see why this is so important to me. I love my daughter and I am so tired of seeing her in pain. Edward was bad for her, and that's putting it mildly. It is not your fault she met him, but she stayed with him because you never came into her life as you were supposed to.”
“So, what happened to her at the hands of that fucker is my fault,” I spit out.
“No, that would have happened at some point or another anyway. That was just how their relationship was meant to end. If she had met you when she was supposed to, it would have happened when she broke up with him regardless.”
“How do you know all this?” I ask.
“The same way you know things, by listening and feeling. Not to mention, Gwen is my child, so I feel things much deeper when it comes to her,” she answers.
I understand what she is saying. I hear more now than I ever have, and I feel things much more deeply than I did when I was alive. It's weird and would be hard to explain to someone living.
