Page 22 of Diamonds in the Dark
“No ma’am, I didn’t have anything planned for tonight, but apparently I do now!” He laughs.
While eating, I notice Asher is just moving the food around on his plate. It makes me feel guilty. I know it's because of the story he told that he has no appetite. Once we are finished, we settle in on the sofa with a huge bowl of popcorn that is smothered in butter, sitting between us. He chose some comedy movie that I have never heard of. He claims it is a classic. I find out a few minutes into the movie that I can’t focus on what is going on because I am focused on the man sitting just a bowl length away from me, laughing every few minutes at the movie. I am enjoying his laugh. It makes me smile every time I hear it. I am enjoying him just being here beside me. I can feel his essence. It seems to dominate the entire room. I also realize I am dreading for the movie to end because then he will leave, and I will be alone…without him. I feel safe and secure with him here. He is still a stranger to me, but it just doesn’t feel that way. It’s a weird feeling, like he has been a part of me my whole life. I try to turn my focus back to the movie but it's impossible. I feel him in a way I have never felt anyone. It is very distracting.
I feel his weight on the sofa adjusting and look over at him. He moved the bowl of popcorn that we have both ignored and moved it onto the coffee table. He puts out his arm and motions for me to move into it. I hesitate only a second before I move over and allow him to wrap his arm around me. I cuddle into his side, where I seem to fit perfectly, and he takes my hand into his. Electrical energy runs through my body, and for the first time ever in my life, I am overtaken by a feeling that I am home, and home isn't a place. It is right here in his arms.
When we are finished with the movie, I have no clue what it was about. All I could think about during the whole movie was Asher and being in his arms. It felt like heaven being close to him like that. We both get up and stretch our arms and legs out from sitting for so long. I have dreaded this moment all night. I know he is getting ready to leave. I don’t want him to go. He pulls me into a hug and lightly kisses the top of my head.
“Thank you for tonight. This is the most fun I have had in a long time. You made me feel right at home. I guess I better go so you can get some sleep, you look exhausted,” he says.
I don’t know what to say, I am almost in a panic. I don’t want him to leave, but I feel like if I ask him to stay, I am going to give him the wrong impression and I really don't want to do that. Everything in me is begging me to ask him to stay. As he starts to walk towards the door he stops and slowly turns towards me. The look on his face is undeniably pure desire. I don’t even have time to think before he rushes back over to me. He pulls me into his arms and holds me tight, his lips finding mine. He slowly devours them, gently nibbling and tasting, testing the water to see if I will allow him to go further or if I will pull back and reject him. I respond with an urgency I have never felt before. I want him to understand I don’t have any desire for him to stop. I want this as much as he does. The kiss turns from gentle to more urgent and demanding. My hands are in his hair, while his are wrapped in mine, slightly pulling my head back to give him better access to my mouth. He starts pushing me backwards a little at a time. I know where he is taking me, and I have no desire to stop him. He lowers me down to the sofa we had evacuated only moments ago, his hands roaming my face and sides. He is being way too careful to not touch me anywhere I might not be comfortable with, but at this moment I want him to touch me everywhere. I can feel the hardness of his body against mine, and I find the fact that we have clothes on restricting. I want to feel his skin brushing against mine. I want the heat of our bodies to mingle together and set us both on fire. I want to taste him and know every part of his body; I want him to take me right now. I feel my resolve slip away and I am his to do with as he pleases.
He slows the kissing down and starts to pull away from me. I feel like a part of my soul is being ripped from me as he pulls away and stands up. I want to scream at him to come back to make me whole again. “Gwen, I am so sorry. I…I don’t know what came over me. I am sorry. I should go now.”
The look of embarrassment and anger on his face drives me insane. “Asher, please do not apologize for that. I wanted that just as much as you did. It isn’t like we had sex.” I laugh trying to play off the disappointment I am feeling. “We just had a nice make out session.” I inform him lightly, and shrug my shoulders, trying not to show my disappointment that it wasn't more and hoping it will ease his unsettled feeling about what just happened. The look of embarrassment lightens, the anger subsides, and his beautiful smile is back. I am glad.
“Asher, listen I've been getting scared at night since the whole Edward thing, and I know this might sound weird because we are just getting to know each other, and because of what just happened between us. You can say no, no hard feelings, I promise, but will you stay here with me tonight? You don’t have to sleep in the bed with me. I just want you here in my house with me. You can leave once I am asleep if you want. I just want to go to sleep knowing you are here with me. I know that sounds stupid and like I am some kind of damn damsel in distress, but knowing Edward is out on bond kind of has me on edge,” I say.
His eyes light up. “If you want me to stay, I will stay. I don't see that you are a damsel in distress. You just went through something horrible at the hands of a man you once loved and trusted. I don't care to stay with you, if that's what you want, and it will make you feel safer. I can lay beside you until you fall asleep if you want me to, but, Gwen, I need to be completely upfront and honest with you before we move forward with this friendship or whatever. I will throw this out there, I am insanely attracted to you, but I am not about sex…maybe as you said, a make out session every now and then, but sex isn’t what I want. There are too many strings and attachments that could mess with us both. Neither of us need that in our lives right now. You just came out of a horrible relationship, and I have a shit ton of baggage beyond what I told you tonight. Maybe someday I will tell you everything, but that's a story for another day. As much as I want you, I can never have you. Neither of us are in the position to have any type of relationship more than friendship right now. That's why I was so angry with myself for what just happened. I enjoy spending time with you. I just don't want either of us to start making promises that we can't keep.”
I stare at him, feeling shocked by what he just said. Is he serious? Then the dream I woke up from this morning comes rushing back. He's basically saying the exact same thing that he said in the dream only in different words. I know he is right. He has hurts I can't fix and apparently other things I still know nothing about. I wouldn’t know where to start trying to help him, and I am just coming out of a relationship with a crazy son of a bitch. I need to find myself before I try to find someone to spend my life with. “Asher, I couldn’t agree more.” I sigh, letting the disappointment I feel come through in my reply.
He pulls me into a hug. “In a different place and different time Gwen, I am not sure I could be just your friend. I wish it could all be different.”
I hate the words as soon as they come out of his mouth. I know that now is not the right time for me to jump into a relationship, but he makes it sound like we can never be. I am not sure if I want to be in a relationship anytime soon, but there is something about him that makes me think he would be worth the risk. I feel anger and disappointment building up inside me. I push it back down. I wish I knew what more was going on in his life that he feels he can never be with me. I am determined to find out. I am sure, eventually, he will open up to me. He did tonight about Carey. So maybe there is hope he will reveal more to me over time. I am not going to push him for more information, at least not yet, but I want to know. I want to know what it is that stands between me and him ever being together.
“I am going to run upstairs to take a quick shower now. Make yourself at home,” I say as I start up the stairs. Maybe we will end up just friends and maybe that is enough. Maybe the things Carey did to him has made it impossible for him to feel love or trust for anyone. I hope Edward hasn’t damaged me to that extent. I already trust Asher. I would trust him with my life, which is weird being that I barely know him. I know I have feelings for him. I like him a lot and enjoy being around him, but love isn’t an option for me right now. I don’t want to explore that area again for a while. I guess I can understand why he said what he said. I don't know why I feel so conflicted.
After I shower and put on my pajamas, I go back downstairs, and Asher is sitting on the couch with Sam curled up in his lap. I stand there dumbstruck. Sam doesn't socialize. He hates everyone except me, and he tolerates Becca to an extent. He has a good reason to hate humans. I took him in as a little five-week-old, who had already been abused in his short little life. He couldn't use his back legs, and it was suspected from the burns in and around his mouth that he had a firecracker shoved into his mouth. After a couple rounds of medication and lots of love and attention, he is a healthy little brat now, but his trust for people has remained shattered. He hides anytime someone is in my house, but here he is curled up purring on Asher's lap like he's known the guy his whole life. I clear my throat and Asher turns and looks at me.
“I didn't know you had a cat. He came in here and was rubbing on my legs, so I hope you don't mind that I went looking for his food. He showed me which cabinet it was in and after I fed him, he didn't even eat. He followed me back in here and we kind of became friends,” Asher says.
“Yeah, his name is Sam, and you are the first person he has ever let touch him besides me. He will let my friend Becca come near him, but she's not allowed to touch him. I was a little shocked to come in here and see him out of hiding, let alone curled in your lap and purring,” I say, letting my surprise show.
Asher looks down at Sam and gives him a few more ear scratches, picks him up, gives him little kisses on his head and sits him down on the floor. “Are you ready for bed now?” He asks me.
I confirm I am, and we head upstairs. The feeling of him in my home and coming to bed with me seems so natural. It's like this is how it is supposed to be. He goes to the side of the bed nearest the window which is the side I never sleep on. I look at him. How did he just know that was the side I don't use? “Have you been in my room with me sleeping before? I ask playfully. He grins. “Only to watch you sleep my dear.”
I laugh and throw the covers back. “Well, you guessed the right side.
“I know,” he says and winks at me. I just shake my head and ignore him.
I crawl into bed and wait for him to join me. I am taken back when he scoots as close as he can get to me, takes me in his arms, kisses the back of my head and tells me goodnight. All I can do is lay there thinking about how right his arms feel around me and how amazing his body feels next to mine. I feel like I am in heaven. I fall asleep quickly and sleep all night long.
I wake up to the sun shining bright through my bedroom blinds. I know I have slept later than usual. All I could think about last night was Asher and forgot to set my alarm. I have nothing planned for today anyway, so it doesn't matter that I slept in. I feel an emptiness in the room and know that Asher is gone. I can't feel him here anymore. The only trace left behind, to prove to me I had not just been dreaming that he was here with me, is the smell of his cologne lingering on the sheets and pillows. I roll over and bury my face into the pillow he was laying on, inhaling as much of his sweet and spicy scent as I can. I already miss him.
I pull myself away from his pillow and with some grief pull myself out of the bed. I make the bed up quickly so I can get downstairs to make my coffee. The sooner I get that in my body, the sooner I will feel alive again. As my coffee is brewing, there is a knock on the door. My hopes soar that it might be Asher coming back. I swing the door open and standing there is Becca holding a scarf in her hand.
“Good morning!!” Becca practically sings.
“What are you doing here this early?” I ask.
“Early? Gwendolyn, it is almost twelve o’clock. Late night last night?”
Avoiding her prying questions, I ask her, “What’s the scarf for?”
“We are going to lunch and this scarf is so you can’t use your neck as an excuse not to go. This will cover the marks perfectly. I also bought you a few more that I left in the car. Now you can start leaving the house and stop hermitizing yourself up in here,” she tells me with a cheerfulness in her voice that is driving me nuts without coffee in my bloodstream.
I shake my head and turn away from her to go get coffee before I kill her and her perkiness. “Becca, is hermitizing even a freaking word?” I ask.
