Page 20 of Diamonds in the Dark
“No morning sickness at all. I’m just always hungry,” she murmurs.
At least she’s sort of talking to me, I thought to myself. We sat there in silence, both of us lost in our own thoughts. I think we had no clue what to say to each other. The magical spell of being apart and my return had officially been broken at that point.”
I pause, not sure if I want to go on or if I even should. This is the part that rips my heart open. I look over at Gwen and she whispers, “Please, finish, Asher. I know it’s hurting you, but I have to hear the rest. I have to know what happened.”
She’s right except it’s not just hurting me, it is killing me to relive this.
I stood up, “Carey, get dressed. We are going to get some food and talk about this. This is not a time for you to withdraw from me. We are in this together, forever, and always please remember that.”
She looked over at me and then got up mumbling something about a shower and headed to the bathroom. I had a few minutes, thank God, to gather my thoughts while she was in the shower and think about how to handle all of this. I had no clue what to do or how to handle it, and her mood switched from the moment the baby was brought up was nagging at me. All I could figure to do was take it one day at a time.It looked as if I was going to have to be the strong one in this situation. She seemed to be collapsing mentally just from telling me she was pregnant.
When she came out of the bathroom, she didn’t look much better, but she wasn’t shaking anymore and the makeup she had on was gone. She no longer had streaks running down her cheeks and raccoon eyes from her eye makeup. I was devastated that by her telling me she was pregnant; it had messed her up so severely. I just wanted to see her the way she was when we were first reunited. She seemed so carefree. I would have never thought she was carrying this secret with her then, or that she would change so dramatically once she told me. I thought I handled it well. I was shaken up, I will admit, but things don’t always go as we plan them, no matter how carefully we make plans. We would have worked through it and had a beautiful family!
We walked in silence to the diner around the corner from the hotel. It was one we had frequented numerous times since we had started staying at that hotel. When we walked in, the waitress greeted us like we were old friends, asking where we had been, and God only knows what else. She was talking so fast, she gave neither of us time to answer her, of which I was glad. I wasn't paying any attention to anything she was saying. I asked her if we could get a booth as private as possible. She looked around and told us to choose whichever one we wanted. I picked the one in the very back away from everyone. When we sat down, Carey still would not make eye contact with me. The waitress brought us both water and I told her I would let her know when we were ready to order, that it might be a while. She nodded and walked away leaving us to our awkward silence.
I gathered my thoughts together, not sure exactly where to start. I didn’t want to push Carey away, so I didn't want to say anything that would affect her in that manner. I knew we weren’t planning on kids right now, but the mood she was in blew my mind.
“Carey, please look at me.” I said.
She slowly turned her head towards me, but still refused the eye contact I wanted from her. I let out a sigh. “When did you find out?” I watched her, thinking she wasn’t going to answer me.
Finally, she whispers about a month ago, then continues on, “I wasn’t really concerned when I skipped my period. You know that’s normal with my birth control.” I nodded that I knew and understood.
“My stomach had been feeling, I don’t know, weird, I guess you could say. I made a doctor’s appointment thinking I had a stomach bug or something. When I went in, I explained how I was feeling. The first thing they did was a pregnancy test, and it was positive. I refused to believe them, so they ran another one and again it came back positive. They scheduled me for an appointment with an OBGYN for the next day. When I left their office, I went to the pharmacy and bought five more tests to take on my own. They all were positive as well.” she tells me, her voice shaking the whole time.
She was talking now, finally the dam had broken open. I just had to keep her talking.
“How far along are you?” I asked.
She hesitated, then said “Right at five months.”
I wondered to myself how she could not have figured out she was pregnant before she was four months along. That seemed a little off to me, but I am a guy and what do I know? Maybe because we were so careful, the thought never crossed her mind that she could have a baby growing inside her. I knew from friends and family that usually people knew they were pregnant six to eight weeks along. That confused me, but again like I said I am a guy and what did I know.
“Well, that gives us four months to get ready for it and to get married. I think we can handle this just fine,” I said with more enthusiasm in my voice than I was actually feeling at that moment. I don’t want her to blame herself for this. It was both of us that made this baby, not just her. I am going to be a dad. I kept telling myself over and over, letting it sink in. She must have gotten pregnant the last week I was home and that was very possible. We were together the whole week holed up at the hotel, spending our last days together before I left.
“Carey, everything is going to be fine, baby. When is your next doctor’s appointment?”
I actually felt a little spark of excitement. I am going to be a dad. I don't know where it came from, but it calmed my nerves about the whole situation. Maybe it was the thought of going to the doctor with her and knowing that would make it all real to me.
“Next week, why?” she asked, seeming a bit on edge.
Laughing, I replied. “Because I am going with you! Carey, I am the baby's dad!” Again, that slight spark of excitement flickers deep inside me.
“No”, was all she said.
“No? Are you serious? Carey, I want to be there, this is my child too.”
“I said, no, Asher, I don't want you there. I want to do this alone. I don't need you there,” she said.
“Carey, you cannot be serious! I want to be there. This is our baby you are talking about! I want to be a part of everything!” I said. I felt a little put off by the fact she didn't want me there with her at the doctor. What woman doesn't want the baby’s dad with her for doctor’s appointments? It made no sense to me. I was so confused.
She looked away and all eye contact was broken. “I guess you can go, Asher. If that is what you really want.”
I thought she would be happy that I wanted to go. What was I doing wrong, I wondered. It seemed no matter what I did or said, it was wrong.
I saw our waitress and waved her over so that we could place our orders. We both got our usual hamburger and fries with a milkshake. We didn't say much to each other. We were both lost within our own thoughts. This was not how I envisioned finding out I was going to be a dad, and Carey definitely was not playing the part of a happy soon to be mom. I didn't know what to do. I thought that once she realized I was on board and supportive, the dark mood of hers would lift, but it didn't. It only seemed to get worse with each passing minute.
Carey did eat well, thankfully. She even finished my fries and milkshake. It made me smile to see her eating like that. My future wife and the mother of my child, I felt I had to find a way to make her understand I was in this for the long haul. I loved her and the baby.
