Page 52 of A Matter of Time
“That boy didn’t keep his mouth shut, did he?” my dad grumbled.
Cam was hardly a boy anymore, but I supposed to my dad, he always would be. His comment meant he was feeling good enough to be complaining, which meant I didn’t have to hold back either.
“You shouldn’t have asked him to! How would you feel if I ended up in the hospital and didn’t tell you until after I got out?” I fixed him with a stern look, crossing my arms firmly.
“Honestly, I’d be glad that you saved me the worry, which is all we were tryin’ to do for you.” His glare was just as strong as mine, and neither of us looked ready to back down until my mom stepped in.
“Alright, let’s check the Callahan tempers at the door. Tonia, your dad’s still recovering, go easy on him. Jim, your daughter’s just worried about you, though she has a funny way of showing it.”
That was an interesting choice of words. Maybe Ididhave a funny way of showing I cared about someone.
The people I loved were the ones who made me angriest. I’d check my words around other people, usually, but when it came to my family or my closest friends, or Cam, I let them feel the full brunt of my passion, good or bad.
Cam never got mad at me for that. In fact, he usually rose to the challenge, arguing back with me or supporting me when we were on the same side. Maybe somewhere deep down, he knew that I wouldn’t get so worked up if I didn’t care.
Maybe, deep down, he’d always understood me.
“What did Cam tell you about your dad?” my mom asked, and I relayed everything he’d said, which she confirmed was pretty much the whole story. The nurses were feeling positive that my dad would be discharged that day, though there were going to be some lifestyle adjustments needed.
“Are you really going to retire?” I asked in shock when my mom mentioned the possibility. I couldn’t imagine my dad not working on the ranch; it had always been his whole life.
“I’m… thinking about it,” he admitted, though I could see just how much it pained him to even consider it. “Your mom and I talked it over last night and she made some good points. I want to be around for the good stuff in your lives, and if that means slowing down a bit, then I guess that’s what I’m gonna have to do.”
My mom squeezed his hand in appreciation and support. She also knew just how hard it would be for him, but she appreciated him considering it too. Sometimes, we had to make sacrifices for the people we cared about and put their needs first.
Still a little tired from the previous day’s events, my dad was soon dozing while my mom and I chatted quietly. When Cam texted me and my mom asked what was going on between us, I tried to answer her truthfully.
“We’ve talked over everything that happened in high school. Turns out, I got a few things wrong; he never cheated on me.”
“That makes a lot of sense,” she said plainly. “That boy was so in love with you, I never understood how that could have happened.”
That made two of us. At least I could finally put that mystery to rest. “Anyway, he’s apologized for the way it all played out, and so have I.”
Her mouth dropped open in a way that felt rather insulting.
“What? Iamcapable of apologizing.”
“Capable? Yes. Likely to? Not so much.” My mom looked truly shell-shocked. “So, what does that all mean? Are you two going to try again?”
That was the big question, wasn’t it? “I’m not sure. I don’t know what he wants.”
He said in his text that he was ready to tell me, but I didn’t know if I was ready to hear it yet. What if he said he only wanted to be friends? Or what if he said he wanted more and I let myself fall for him all over again and it didn’t work out?
“What doyouwant?” my mom pressed.
I tried to answer that as honestly as I could. “I want the last six years back. I want to do it all differently.”
Compassion flashed across her face as she put her arm around me, just as she had six years earlier on the night of my prom when I sat in my room alone, feeling sorry for myself. “How about we stick to what’s possible instead? With everything that’s happened and where you are right now, what is it you want?”
I tried again. “I want it to be easy, like it used to be. I want to be sure.”
“Nothing in life is certain, Tonia, but when you’re with the right person, it’ll be easy more often than it’s not.” She squeezed me tighter before pointing over to my dad’s sleeping form. “I don’t know how long we’ve got, but do you think I’m going to give up a day of it because it might end someday? Not a chance. I’m going to squeeze every drop of joy out of every day we’ve got because when it comes right down to it, there’s nobody I’d rather be with. There’s no one who makes me feel alive the same way. So that’s what you’ve got to ask yourself, Tonia: are you going to hold him at arm’s length, waiting for him to mess up again, or are you going to jump in, grab the bull by the horns, and get messy together?”
I continued to mull over those words as I left the hospital and headed over to Dex’s new gallery. He’d given me a spare set of keys to set up for the party that night, and as I walked in, I could only think it was a good thing he had, and a good thing I had the rest of the day off too. Dex’s idea of a party-ready space and mine appeared to be vastly different. It took hours to get the place organized and sparkling, plenty of time for me to think about Cam.
On the one hand, we’d already lost six years, and if we were going to get back together, I didn’t want to waste any more time. But on the other hand, if it didn’t work out again, wouldn’t that just be more time wasted?
My mom said no one made her feel alive the same way my dad did, and I had to admit that even when he made me furious, Cam always made me feelsomething.I had no apathy where he was concerned. I’d loved him and I’d despised him, but I’d never been indifferent.
