Page 6 of Frost Bitten
Mom knocks on my door shortly after I’m settled, but I don’t respond. I don’t need to expose her to my fractured self. I’m too broken right now; it would shatter her to know how much pain I’m in. No, keeping her at arm’s length will protect her.
I must fall asleep shortly after because I don’t remember much until I’m startled awake.Fuck,my heart is racing. Anxiety wakes me up, paranoia whispering in my ears and seeping into my dreams. I lie back down and start counting. Not necessarily sheep, but just counting. I vaguely remember counting to seventy-nine before I wake up again. My regular Wednesday alarm wakes me up, but I still feel exhausted, like I only got two hours of rest. I struggle to get out of the house and to school on time. It’s like the whole world is rushing around me, and I can’t tell where time is going. I’m here, in the present, and the next thing I know, it’s fifteen minutes later. Or two hours. It’s all a blur as to where that time goes.
The drive to school must be on autopilot. I barely remember turning off of my street, then I’m parking in the lot next to my Marketing and Sales Statistics class, and then I’m walking up to the building, where I find Ash waiting for me. How did I get out of the parking lot? Has it really been forty-five minutes since I left home?
“Cait?!” Ash is practically yelling at me when he grabs my arms and pulls me off the path I was approaching him on. Just in time, too, a bicyclist towing a trailer zooms past us.
“Hey, uh, what’s up?” I ask, still feeling somewhat dazed by the quick movements just now.
“Um, you almost got run over. Why didn’t you turn to look, or at least move, when the guy called out?” He bends down to look directly into my eyes, trying to determine if I’m ok.
“Oh, huh, I didn’t hear him. Oh well. Hey, let’s get to class. I don’t want to waste any time,” I mumble. It’s not like I can afford time with it blurring by me today.
We walk in together and find seats. I collapse into my chair, ready for the day to be over already. When Ash nudges my elbow, I look up at him, realizing I’ve been staring at the desk in front of me. He gives me this incredulous “What are you doing?” look, before turning back to look at the professor. That’s when I notice the professor has started the class, and Ash is already taking notes.Fuck.There goes more time.
I don’t have the energy or emotions to care about the time-skipping thing, so I dig through my backpack and find a pen and notebook. Turning to an open page, I stare down at the blankness. Empty. That’s how my mind feels at the moment. Like I’m not here, the past weeks haven’t happened, and this is just another one of my many nightmares. Wouldn’t that be the worst? One crazy, long, never-ending nightmare.
When Ashton shifts next to me, I notice he is putting his things away and back into his backpack. What? I turn to look up at the professor, and all I find is his retreating back exiting the classroom. I drop my head to my notebook, finding circles and swirls doodled all over what once was a clean, empty page. Toward the end, I ended up drawing sea turtles, and god dammit, I feel just as alone as those turtles in the aquarium.
Fuck, the aquarium. Jason. That’s right when he started touching me more. My stomach turns with the memories from both then and now. I feel the blood drain from my face, a cold sweat breaking out over my brow. “Cait, are you ok? Why didn’t you take notes?” Oh, Ash. You know, you just don’tknow.Images pop into my head from Monday, and the churning in my belly hits a breaking point. I jump up and run to the hall outside the classroom, into the nearest restroom to find a toilet. Once I’ve emptied my stomach of the bile that was burning inside, I quickly rinse my mouth and wash my hands. I find Ashton waiting for me outside the classroom, holding my packed backpack and purse. “Are you alright?” Concern is genuine in his voice, but he just doesn’t understand the effect PTSD can have on a person.
“I will be,” I say. “At some point, I will be.” I collect my things, before telling him I’m skipping the rest of my classes. I can’t do this, not today. I don’t know when I’ll be back to normal. I give him a quick side hug, not able to bear that much body contact, and then excuse myself to leave campus.
* * *
Once again, I make it home without realizing it. I go ahead and prepare dinner while I have the kitchen to myself, cover it all, and stick it in the fridge with a note left for Lily about reheating it. After all my responsibilities are complete, I head to the shower, my sanctuary as of late, and strip down. I crank the hot water and step in, trying to feel something. I step into the steaming flow, hoping to wash away the chaos in my brain, but it lingers on the edge of my vision, making everything cloudy with tears that won’t fall. I finally turn the water off, wrap up, and make it back to my bedroom. I change into some sweats and crawl into bed, not even caring if my hair is still dripping wet. It’ll just camouflage the tears that fall while I sleep.
When I crack open my eyes, the sun is shining bright, already halfway up the sky. I glance over at my iPad, seeing it’s a quarter to ten. Fucking hell, I am supposed to be at work today at ten-thirty.
I text Lori from my iPad that I’m not going to make it in, and I can’t call because my phone broke. I had to tell her I wasn’t feeling well, so hopefully, she buys that. I’ll have to explain it tomorrow if I make it in…
Since I was scheduled to work, Lily is walking home with her friends again today, so I don’t have to worry about going to get her. I spend the day sleeping. No one has any need of me right now, and until I have to get up to prepare dinner, I’m staying in my protective little nest.
Around five-thirty, I get up, put clothes on, and head to the kitchen to get started. I realize, while cooking dinner for Mom and Lily, that I haven’t had any solid food in almost three days. I grab some crackers and add the slightest bit of peanut butter, but after three, I’m full. Damn, it’s only been three days since that disaster?
When Lily emerges from her room, I quickly apologize to her for losing my temper. She apologizes for pushing past my rules, but then she turns and goes back to her room. It stays relatively quiet, so I assume she is doing her homework, knowing Mom, she was likely scolded for not completing it as soon as she got home yesterday.
Once I have dinner ready, I store prepared plates for the two of them in the oven, ready to go when Mom arrives home. I’m just not ready for a full meal, so I take myself back to the bathroom, brush my teeth, and get back in bed. I can’t take anyone else coming down on me.
* * *
I need one more day of recovery; I’ll give myself today. I set the alarm on my iPad for the morning. Ihaveto get up and go to work tomorrow. I can’t afford to lose my job.
When the alarm blares at five-thirty in the morning, I roll out of bed. I mindlessly dress and then go out to find something to eat. I don’t want to eat, but I’ve only had crackers and peanut butter in almost four days, no wonder I’m sleeping so much. I fix myself a quick fried egg sandwich, knowing the protein will last me all day. I make it out of the house and to work. It seems the losing time is back again because I don’t remember parking my jeep.
As I walk up, I spy Lori waiting for me to open the doors. “Hey, good to see you, girl. I didn’t know if you’d make it in,” she offers with a little lilt to her voice.
“Yeah, I couldn’t let you down today,” I reply, feeling ashamed for yesterday. At least it was only a five-hour shift.
We enter the café, disarm the alarm, and get started on the opening duties. Once the coffee is made and the pastries are prepped, Lori pulls me aside. “Hey girl, are you ok?”
“No, not really. Something awful happened this week, and I’m struggling,” I answer with a sigh.
Lori pulls my hands into hers. A look, similar to mine when I worry about Lily, haunts her eyes. “Girl, you’ve got this. Do you need to take some time to get your shit handled?”
I think about taking the time to get everything settled. How long would it take? “Maybe a day or two? My mind is a mess, and I think if I could spend some time with my family and friends, I might be able to re-center myself.”
“That’s fine, then. Can you give me until Jake shows up at eight-thirty?” she asks. “Then you can go home, and I can see you on Monday morning.”
