Page 5 of Frost Bitten
“Where are we going?” I ask.
“You’re going to sit with me, and we are going to chat while I try to get ready for my appointment and then work after that. It’s going to take me at least an hour with how slow I’m moving. I’m thankful it doesn’t hurt as much as last night, but it still doesn’t feel good,” she says, slowly climbing her stairs.
I sit on her bed, looking into my coffee cup, while she chatters away and disappears into her closet. It’s not until she sits on the bed and draws my face up to look at hers, that I realize she’s stopped talking about whatever it was she was rambling about. I feel bad. I’m not paying attention, but the white noise in my head is blaring and not letting anything else through. I can’t focus on what she’s saying until she holds my gray eyes with her half-blue, half-brown ones. Yeah, it’s the weird anomaly of her central heterochromia that pulls my focus and causes me to take a deep breath, shattering the chaos ruling my brain. The bright blue outer ring of her eyes calms me, and the honey-brown inner ring brings the warmth of support to my heart.
“Cait, you’ve got this. You are a survivor. You can manage to get through this, just like you’ve managed to get through everything else. Take it one day, one hour, even one minute at a time, if you have to.” I listen to her words, letting each word strengthen me. Reinforce the love that I know I have surrounding me, even if for just this moment. She’s right, I need to take it one step at a time. At least for now.
She reaches over, wrapping me in a hug. I don’t have the strength yet to return it, but I do lean my head onto her shoulder, acknowledging her attempt at support. When she sits back, she takes the still-full cup from my hands. “Ok, hun. It’s time. You have to go get Lily, and I need to try to make it to work. I love you. I’m here for you.”
I meet her bright eyes once more, drawing strength from her love. “I love you, too,” I whisper. I slowly stand to collect my things and walk toward the bathroom to gather the trash bag from last night. Only, it’s not there. I turn and look at Ella, curious and confused about the situation.
“I got you, girl,” she affirms. “I took it to my car. I’ll be dropping it elsewhere, so your bad memories don’t haunt you somewhere familiar.”
Tears burn my eyes, but I refuse to let them fall. Not now, not before I have to get Lily. Instead, I swallow hard, burying the emotions that threaten from her thoughtful support, nod my head, and descend the stairs to gather the rest of my things. Once I’ve found my purse, my broken phone, and my keys, we pack up into Ella’s car. She still has to take me home, so I can get my Jeep.
The drive doesn’t take long, and she pulls up outside the new apartment. Has it seriously been only a few days since we got the keys? I go to get out, but she halts me with a hand on my arm. “I’m here for you. If you need me, for anything, let me know,” she states with love shining in her eyes. I sometimes feel I have the same look when I’m talking with Lily, and it feels nice to be on the receiving end.
I step out of Ella’s car and directly into mine. I don’t have much time, maybe ten minutes, to get to the school. I get there just as the car line for pickup is winding down. Once Lily gets in, she’s non-stop hyper. “Cait, I had so much fun last night! Mom took me over to Madison’s house, and we went trick-or-treating with her and her family. Cait, you’re the best! My costume was amazing! Everyone loved it! And oh my gosh, I got so much candy!” She rambles on and on about her friend’s costume, and what Miss Angela, Madison’s mom, made for dinner. Oh, and the special glow sticks and flashlights she had for the group.
I nod along, not really paying attention. Just hanging in there. I get Lily home safely, get her inside, and feed her a snack. I haven’t even made it to my room, because Lily was too excited and wanted to show me her candy haul. So many Snickers and KitKats, which are her favorites. She promised I could have all the Almond Joys since they are my favorite. I nodded as a thank you and tried to give her a smile, but it didn’t feel like much. Luckily, Lily didn’t seem to notice.
She kept going on. And on. And on. Finally, I ask her, “Hey, Lily? Do you have homework?”
“Oh, yeah, I guess I should go do that.”
“Yeah,” I reply. “I guess you should.” I take that moment to grab my things and run to my room. With the door closed, I sink down against it to the floor and just breathe. I could feel my pulse racing; my frustration toward Lily was building with her incessant rambling. I know she doesn’t know what I’ve been through, but I just needed a break to get away. The way she doesn’t realize I’m in trouble is grating on my already frayed nerves, but I get it—she’s just a kid.
Thoughts of the guys, and their selfish ignorance, only add fuel to my bad mood. What the fuck was wrong with them last night? I know I’m a big girl, and I can take care of myself, but their need to be the center of attention left me in danger. What if I had walked out? What would they have done or said? Fuck them. I wasn’t ready to talk about my last few days, and I won’t bend to their will just because they expect me to act a certain way, or to spill my feelings whenever they demand it.
I put my headphones in and connect them to my Kindle, ready to distract myself with an audiobook, but these characters make me want to scream. Such alphaholes! At least it distracted me that enough time has passed, and now I have to focus on cooking dinner.
I exit my room, and I can hear Lily in her room from the kitchen. I take a deep breath and get started on the marinated chicken Mom left in the fridge this morning. As I’m working on making the roasted potatoes, Lily comes out, bouncing around and singing. I call her to get her attention, but it takes three tries before she notices me. “Hey, Cait! Can I get a piece of my candy? I’ll share a piece with you!”
“No, Lily, not until after dinner. Did you get your homework done?”
“Oh, no, I need to go do that now.” She runs back to her room, still singing whatever song that was.
Twenty minutes later, she comes back out. “Cait, can I have some candy now?”
“Lily, what did I say? I said after dinner. You have fifteen more minutes until dinner should be ready. Go finish your homework.” I blow out a breath, knowing this child is pushing my limits. I know it’s not her fault today. I have to keep my cool just a little longer.
Twelve minutes later, I’m working on plating food, when Lily skips back down the hallway. She heads into the kitchen, grabs a glass from the cabinet, and goes over to the fridge to fill it with water. Just as I’m placing two plates on the table, I turn back to get silverware and napkins and find Lily halfway inside the pantry.
“Lily! What are you doing?!” Confusion and frustration color my words, and as she turns to head back to her room, she calls over her shoulder that it was nothing. “Camilla Renee! Get back here!” I screech, raising my voice after fighting her way too much this afternoon. My tolerance has been overwhelmed, and I can’t take it anymore.
“What were you doing in the pantry? What is in there, huh?” I pull her over, and she pulls out her candy. “God damn it, what is wrong with the words I’m saying? Do you not understand when I said not until after dinner, that means not sneaking behind my back? Do my words mean nothing?!”
“What’s going on here?” I spin around to find Mom walking in, brows furrowed at the situation she now has to deal with.
“I don’t know, Mom, ask Lily. Evidently, I can’t communicate well today.” I throw the apron I was wearing on the kitchen island on my way out of the kitchen when Mom calls to me.
“Caitlin! I’ve had my fair share of dealing with you not listening, but that does not give you the right to yell at your sister.”
“You’re right, Mom. But maybe you should ask her what she wasn’t listening about. Was it the candy she was trying to sneak before dinner when I said no? Or maybe you should ask her about the homework I’ve repeatedly asked her to complete, while she prances around the apartment, ignoring me? Enjoy your dinner, I’m not hungry,” I say, storming back to my room. I grab my robe and turn straight for the bathroom. Another cold shower will hopefully cool me off.
“Fuck!” I cry out, emotions overflowing and overwhelming my body. I tremble while trying to get undressed, and finally, when I’m free from all the clothing, I step into the shower and sink to the floor. Red-hot anger from my temper flaring drains away as tears that have started falling mix with the water, leaving me staring at the swirling flow. I lost myself, the anger taking control. I can’t allow that. I told myself I wouldn’t expose Mom and Lily to this darkness that was closing in on me, so I need to shut it down. No more. I give myself grace, but I have to lock this down. I’ll allow these tears, and then it all gets shut down.
I quietly shut off the water, drying myself, and wrapping up in my robe. I make my way to my room, shut the light off, and climb into bed. I don’t care that I slept until the afternoon and that it’s only seven-thirty. I’m done with today. I lie in the darkness, letting the comfort of my own,newking bed and comforter wrap around me. The warmth soothes my battered soul, and I relish in the peace I’ve found for myself.
