Page 8 of Seeking Stars
"Thanks, yeah. That's it." A slow, controlled sigh left his lungs. "But how do I do that, Doc?"
The silence in the line didn't last long. "By risking it, Liam. You have to ask for it and deal with what happens."
Dread settled heavy on his stomach, a clearnoresounding in his mind. How could he still be so divided? How could he know so clearly what he wanted for himself, while rejecting the idea of asking for it at the same time?
"I'm not ready to risk it." He shook his head, even though Dr. Linda couldn't see him. "I don't know why."
"And that's okay. Just give yourself the chance to find out. To try again and again to reach your goals."
He opened his eyes but frowned. "Wait. You're not suggesting that I do the documentary, are you?"
She was silent on the line for a second, but she seemed to recover from the change in topic with ease.
"What makes you say that?" she asked, curiosity in her voice.
"Well, I…" he opened and closed his mouth a few times, and scratched the back of his neck with his free hand. "Do you know who Ana Lira is?"
"No."
"She's the documentary filmmaker Coulton is trying to contract me with. I didn't recognize her in the meeting, but I looked her up after I left the Agency and I've actually watched some of her stuff. Her films are really good; warm and friendly and… fuck. If she made a documentary like that of me then a project like that might not be so bad."
"Oh, that's interesting. Seems like you think it'd help you, somehow? You made this connection for a reason; when I said you should give yourself a chance to figure things out, you thought I meant you should do the documentary."
Liam took a deep breath, trying to organize his thoughts. "I'm not sure that it'd help with the Coulton thing but I realized… maybe it helps with my other goals. If her documentaries are as honest as they seem…" he shook his foot with renewed force. "She's all about getting to know people. So I wouldn't have a break to rest so much but I… could practice getting to know people again. Maybe I could show her parts of who I am and try to know her. See what happens."
"How do you feel about that? It has potential risks, but the fact that it's a contracted project— it could contain this little experiment to a finite time. Actually put some boundaries down for how this could work."
"I could add clauses to the contract to protect anything I don't want to share."
"And you could test how to open up to someone, figure out if you can trust them… that could move you closer to finding your inner circle. It's not friendship, necessarily, not in this scope, but I can see how you'd make the connection, if her films are personal like that."
"Shit. That's scary but… smart. She does seem to share a lot of herself in her films, too. So this is as close to real as I've had for a while."
"And it could give you time to find out how to stand up to Coulton, despite your arrangements with him and your contracts with producers and brands and PR people. With a lessened workload."
"Also, because it's a contract that benefits her, too, we'd both be getting something out of it. I don't want to use her."
"Liam, I really like this. But what I like matters very little. So think more about it. Weigh the pros and cons and make a decision that aligns with the work you're doing on yourself. I gotta go but I think you should really consider giving this a chance."
They scheduled a follow up appointment and said their goodbyes. Liam dropped his phone onto the sofa on the pillow next to him, and stared into space for a while.
***
"Anyway," Ely said on the phone. "That happened. You met Liam McMillan."
Ana could still hear the echo of Ely's original scream, when she told her best friend about the meeting earlier in the call. At the time, Ely had shouted "LIAM FUCKING MCMILLAN?!" and proceeded to pick apart every word and gesture with intense interest.
"Yep, I did. Pity we decided he's such a Hollywood Man-diva."
"Sure, but his personality doesn't really change how he looks, does it? I mean, we just gawked at pictures of him. Some of Mother Nature's best work, right there."
Ana didn't open the pictures Ely had sent her again. "I didn't gawk." She had. "Personally, I'll focus on my newfound boss energy. I'm gonna need it if I end up working with him."
"Can you hear yourself saying that? You might work with him. Honestly. Wow."
"But I might not. Did you miss the part where Coulton was pushing this on him?"
"Don't tell me you wouldn't take the job if he agreed to it."
