Page 29 of Seeking Stars
"Got a question for me?" he asked, nodding in the camera's direction.
He took a sip of his drink, his hair still half-wet, curls brightening up as water evaporated, and his eyes bright as he looked at her. A corner of his mouth lifted in a slow, soft smile. Almost cheeky. She pursed her lips to contain a sigh, her lungs locking air inside as if it somehow would help contain her reaction to him.
Fuck. She said she would control it, but failure swept towards her like one of those big, scary waves.
Maybe the solution was to become academic about the whole thing. Acknowledge the reality of it but framing it as no more than a conceptual inquiry. Keeping it rational, instructional. Philosophical. He'd given her the perfect opportunity, after all.
"Yes. Let's talk about attractiveness. When did you realize just how striking you are?"
He seemed to come close to spitting some of his drink. "Excuse me?"
"When did you learn how handsome you are?"
She pushed her nerves into the safety box in her brain, closing its door quickly so nothing new would come out, and prayed it would do a better job at guarding her anxiety than it had her crush. This was a scholastic query, after all; a probe for documentary material. No need to worry.
She took a sip of her drink and added, "Unless the problem isn't in understanding the question, and it's more that you don't want to answer? You can tell me if that's what's going on."
He used the back of his hand to dry his lips, before running a fingertip over eyebrow. She tapped her fingers on the surface of her glass.
"I'm just shocked by the question, that's all," he said.
"Why?"
"I wasn't sure you thought of me as… handsome, to use your word."
Her eyes widened. "Of course I think so. I'm a straight woman with a body that wants other bodies. You must know that how you look is part of your success, and that most people like how you look."
"Yeah, I know, but no one is attractive to everyone, and everyone is attractive to someone. I thought maybe you were on the side of those who say, oh, I know people see him as attractive, but he doesn't do much for me."
"Oh, no, I really get it— I mean, why people see you that way… react that way…"
He rubbed the back of his neck, his lips tense. Crap, she'd indirectly admitted she was attracted to him. She hadn't meant to sharethat. She cringed.
"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to make you uncomfortable," she said. "We don't have to talk about it if you don't want to."
He left his glass on the deck next to his lounge chair and crossed his arms on his chest, quiet for several moments.
"No, it's fine, I get why you'd want to talk about it. It's been pretty key to my success," he conceded.
"Okay." She took a deep breath, imploring she could handle the conversation, and eternally grateful that she could edit all the awkwardness away. "When did you realize, then?"
"I guess in high school. Before that I had been told I was a pretty boy or that someone thought I'd grow up to be handsome, but it was after I noticed the attention I got from girls that I realized I was seen as desirable. That I understood what it meant and what it did for me."
He sighed; his face remained neutral, except for a hint of tension on his lips.
"Why do you sound resigned?" she asked.
"I guess… because high school was fun that way, but even then I realized that my looks don't guarantee a thing. I still got my heart broken by Sara in sophomore year, I still had to study to stay in the honors program, I still had to prove myself. Nowadays, the way I look is about expectations— about moving money from one pocket to the next."
"It's in the contracts, like you said."
"Yeah. Movies, sponsorships, conventions…"
"It's still helpful, though, isn't it? People make snap judgements of you in a much more positive light than of someone who isn't as attractive— that's science. But it probably helps to hold on to success in Hollywood, too, right?"
"All of that is true, yes. Given the choice, we would all want to be seen as attractive— or for it not to be a thing at all. I know I'm lucky and that I did nothing to earn this. And if someone likes it, that's good… but it's not the thing that helps me have fulfillment in life. At least, not in the way that I want. If my looks are all someone takes into consideration, I would lose value as soon as I don't look young and muscular."
"But by then you'll probably look dignified, like a hot professor. Men do get to age and are still seen as handsome."
