Page 107 of Seeking Stars
"But if you come, things can get worse. They're on high alert here, I'm sure. They must have traveled to keep an eye on me, right? I don't imagine there are a lot of paps in Bloomington most of the time. I don't want to give them any more stuff for them to put through their news mill. They need to leave."
"Then will you come to me? You could change your ticket. We'll hire people to pack what you need and send it to us."
He saw the hesitation in her eyes before she spoke. It fell on him like a big bucket of ice water.
"I'm not sure about that," she whispered. "I think I need a bit of time."
"Why? Ana, please— let's not be apart."
"I need to think."
"Then think. With me."
"Liam…"
"C'mon. I'm trying here. I'm showing up for us, for this."
"Me too! In my own way. I need to figure out how to cope, how to create a bubble for myself in all of this where I can feel safe. I need to think of how to frame this, how to respond to all of it beyond what you've told me worked for you. Who am I in this mess? How do I let go of everything else?"
"I know you're scared and uncomfortable and that it makes you want to pull back, but—"
"It's not the same," she interrupted. "This is not about Dave hurting me and worrying about what it would do to me if you and I break up. Being with you is much bigger than that! I was afraid of taking risks, Liam, before I met you. That was the fear I overcame when I kissed you in LA. This? It's a whole 'nother level. This is not me being afraid of normal things happening in my life. Now I'malsoafraid of things happening to me, to people around me, for what's going on with my career to get even worse— one thing is to be lied about, but I could also be exposed, exploited. Attacked online."
"That's not what I was implying. Don't forget I understand how it is, too, maybe even better than you think because I've been surrounded by it for years. I knew this would get in the way, of course I did! But I didn't know— I didn't realize— I'm powerless in this and seeing you go through this so far from me, I just—"
Tears fell down her face and she rubbed them dry. "You travel for more than half the year, Liam. Being with you means being apart a lot. I need to learn. I have to find a way to protect myself from this mess."
His chest caved in. "Ana, please. You can't let this matter more than what we want."
She shook her head; his heart skipped a bit and resumed at a heightened pace.
"Don't you see that we're saying the same thing?" she said. "I want to make it not matter. These past few weeks, especially the past few days, are making it clear what I'm getting into. All these people putting us under a microscope and saying the worst things they can come up with… it risks so much of what I've worked for. I only know you because I was trying to get closer to my professional goals but I could end up with nothing. I need time to sit in my shower, cry, and hate them all until I don't care about any of them. I need time to organize my head and write to Diana and tell her to not fire me but to kindly fuck off. I need time to… to think, dammit. To stop feeling devastated. To make a plan on how to protect my people. Make all the right decisions."
There had been a time when he believed that asking for what he wanted meant that he couldn't get an authentic commitment from her. He'd always imagined that finding someone to love would feel like a click so unique, a chain reaction so powerful that everything would fall into place. That having all elements in place would be enough and asking for it would change its very chemistry.
He'd been wrong. He couldn't be passive about this. He needed her to know what he wanted, what he felt; give her all the information she needed to make this decision to stay in Bloomington longer or fly to him. This wasn't only about keeping her career and people she worked with safe. This was about them. This was about what he wanted to offer her, as a partner, a person in love… and about what he wanted from her. She had to know.
"There's a lot of crap around us, things we can't control. But we can control what influences our relationship and what doesn't. Together, I can hold you and help you in all of this. I want it. I want it all with you," he tried. He shook his head; he was speaking his truth, but it felt incomplete. Not enough. "You talk about making decisions— if you're going to make a choice, choose me. Please. Don't let them win. I didn't want to say this on the phone and, sure, you could say it's early but I don't— I know it's true. It's true. I lo—"
"Don't," she interrupted him, anguish on her face. "Don't say that right now. It's unfair. If you feel it, wait until I can be there with you to take it in. If you say it…"
"You're making my heart ache, Ana. Don't do this."
"I'm not doing anything, Liam. I'm not breaking up with you."
"Then what is this? You say you need time. So you're putting us in limbo?"
"No!"
"Then what are you asking? That I leave you alone for a while?"
Her silence stabbed him in the gut.
"You said it yourself," she finally mumbled. "You've had years to get used to this. I've had three days. I need to let things settle inside of me and reset. Get a grip on what I'm supposed to do about it all."
"Is that what you need? Time?" he asked. His voice sounded incredulous, hurt, even to his own ears.
"Just a little bit of time. Give me a few days to breathe. I'm not canceling my flight; I'll go to LA soon."
