Page 54 of Mine to Hold
It didn’t matter how hard it was or how much I’d rather have had the guy for me be him. Clearly, it wasn’t and it was more than time for me to face that fact.
In order to face it, though, I had to start taking proactive steps to get over him.Today. I need to start doing it today.
One of my friends had recently joined a new dating website. We’d been talking about it before Colt had returned to Rockdale before the wedding. At the time, I’d told her I’d consider joining, but then he’d showed up, and well, I’d totally forgotten about it for obvious reasons.
She’d even installed the app on my phone that morning while we’d been getting ready for the bridal shower. I’d never actually gotten so far as to make the profile, but part of the reason she’d recommended using this particular site was because it was apparently so easy to complete a profile.
When I got home later, I heated up some leftover chicken, poured a glass of wine, and carried my glass and plate with me to my living room. Once I was settled on the sofa, I cradled my plate in my lap, set my wine down next to me, and pulled out my phone.
The app took me through several steps to set up my profile, asking me questions like what I was looking for in a partner. After I ticked “hell no” on whether I’d be interested in something long distance, it was time to upload my picture.
Scrolling through my camera roll brought fresh tears to my eyes since most of my recent pictures were of Colt and Paris, but eventually, I found one he’d taken of me and chose it. I had to blur the background on account of the fact that the greatest adventure of my life was still largely a secret to most of the people in it, but the picture itself was nice.
My eyes were so blue and bright that I could almost feel the happiness I’d felt in that moment radiating from the screen. I’d been smiling at Colt, and even if I had to say so myself, it was my best, most joyous smile ever. It had been taken during those few idyllic days after we’d arrived, and it had captured a moment of pure bliss.
I wonder if I can add that I want a man who makes me look like that.The only thing was that I’d already found that man, and while I was determined to try, I just didn’t know if I’d ever find anyone else who’d manage to bring a smile like that out in me.
A few days later, as I sat across from a perfectly nice guy who was wearing a perfectly nice suit in a perfectly nice restaurant, I knew he wasn’t going to bring a smile like that out in me either. Brent, my date, gave me a shy smile that was as far away from Colt’s cocky, sure grin that one could get.
“So, Emma,” he said. “Tell me about yourself. Your profile said you didn’t like to travel. Is that really true?”
I shrugged. “It is true. Sort of, anyway. I don’t mind traveling for short periods of time on vacation, but I have no interest in staying away from home for too long.”
He nodded slowly. “I think I know what you mean. I’m not one for the unfamiliar either. I’ve been going to the same barber all my life and I buy all my groceries at the same place my mother bought them from when I was child. I suppose you can call me a creature of habit.”
So he’s the exact opposite of Colt.That was probably supposed to be a good thing, but it didn’t feel that way. “I don’t know if I’d say I’m a creature of habit. I just like my hometown, and while I’d like to see the world, I have no inclination to go live anywhere else or to be away for months at a time.”
“I hear that. We’re definitely in agreement. I lived in Seattle for a few years after college and it’s a great city, but it wasn’t for me in the long term.”
“What did you do there?” I asked, trying my best to shut off my mind and give the guy a real chance. He seemed like a good guy, but I couldn’t help comparing him to Colt as the evening went on, and the fact of the matter was that Colt was better in every way.
Except one—he’s not here.
It wasn’t fair to be doing what I was and I knew it, but I also didn’t know how to stop.Maybe it’s still too soon. I should’ve given it more time.
Just because I wanted to be ready didn’t mean I was. He and I made pleasant conversation over dinner and I enjoyed his company, but there was nothing even vaguely resembling a spark between us.
After we left the restaurant, he walked me to my car and smiled, his pretty green eyes soft and fond as his gaze swept over my face. “I had a good time tonight. Maybe we should do it again sometime.”
Before I could explain that I didn’t want to lead him on and wasn’t ready to date just yet after all, he leaned in and his eyes closed. It took me a second to figure out that he was trying to kiss me, and when the penny dropped, I blinked hard and took a step back, reaching for the handle and opening my car door at the same time.
“I’m sorry, Brent,” I said, politely declining his kiss even though he hadn’t asked. “I also had a good time, but kissing means something to me and I’m just not there yet. I think I have some things to figure out, but thank you for a lovely evening.”
His eyes opened, and while he seemed disappointed, he didn’t appear to be surprised. “There’s someone else, huh? If I’m being honest, it’s the same for me. I thought kissing you might help me feel something, but you were right to turn me down. I’m sorry.”
“Hey, no hard feelings,” I assured him. “Did you ask me out again to try to feel something as well?”
He shrugged, casting his gaze to the ground and shuffling on his feet as he nodded. “You’re nice and we get along. We’re similar in many ways. I think we might’ve been a good match if not for the fact that we’re clearly both hung up on other people. I figured that maybe if we went out again, something might click.”
We spoke for a few more minutes, both resolving to check in with the other if we ever felt more ready to move on, and then we went our separate ways. When I got home, I felt strangely exhausted.Trying to get over someone is emotionally draining. That’s for sure.
I ran a hot bath and sank into the water with tears in my eyes as I remembered all the times Colt and I had spent hours sitting right here before we’d gone to Paris, talking and laughing. Those simple days after the wedding when it had finally just been the two of us for the first time.
As I replayed all those memories, I let the tears flow freely and sank deeper into the water, my hair getting wet as I submerged myself all the way to my chin. Heartbreak sucked, and apparently, there were no shortcuts to getting over it.Ain’t that grand.
35
COLT
