Page 53 of Mine to Hold
“You could come work for me,” I offered. “I’ll pay well and you could travel the world without having to take any time off. The homesickness will pass. It’s just a phase. If you want it, this could be your new normal.” I gestured toward the crystalline ocean. “We could have business lunches in locations like these all the time.”
“Thanks again, but no thank you,” he said without even taking a second to think about it or asking Teddy what she thought.
When I looked at her, she nodded. “He speaks for me, too. All we want is to go back to Rockdale and start a family in the town we both love. Working for you might’ve been great a few years ago, but it’s just not where we are now. Thanks for offering, though. It’s sweet of you, but I don’t think the homesickness is a phase for us. Our honeymoon was wonderful, but we’re ready for it to end now.”
Discouraged, I released a slow breath through my nostrils and nodded. “Okay, well, we’re still having lunch before you head home, right?”
She chuckled, sounding more than a little relieved. “We are. Scott and I are flying out from Paris tomorrow night, so we could also all head back there together if you’d like.”
I nodded again and changed the subject to their cruise, hoping it might inspire them to change their minds about traveling for a while longer, but while they’d made great memories, neither of them seemed even the least bit interested in staying.
By the time we said our goodbyes outside of the airport more than twenty-four hours later, they were more excited than ever to be heading home. Teddy held me close, her headphones hanging around her neck and poking me in the chest as we hugged, but I still didn’t pull away.
When she finally did, she glanced up at me with tears in her eyes, but obviously, those tears weren’t enough to change her mind about leaving. “I’ve loved spending time with you again, Colt. I really hope you’ll be coming back to Rockdale to visit sometime soon. It sucks to go so long between visits all the time.”
“I’ll do my best,” I promised, but I also knew it wouldn’t be soon. It would be months before I set foot in the States again, and even then, I’d be going back to New York and I wouldn’t have time to visit Rockdale after being away from the city for so long.
Scott said a much faster and, blessedly, a much less tearful goodbye, and then they were gone, too. As I watched them wheel their carts loaded with luggage into the terminal, I asked myself again why no one wanted to share my life with me. Not even my sister.
But right now, I couldn’t even blame them. My previously awesome life really didn’t feel awesome anymore, especially not when I watched them join the snaking line to get checked in. Part of me wanted to run after them, buy a ticket on the spot, leave my shit at the hotel, and just go home with them.
Rockdale wasn’t my home anymore, though. Neither was New York, or Paris, or Spain, or even Emma. I didn’t know where home was, but I sure as fuck knew I couldn’t just abandon my work in an attempt to find it.
Maybe one day, I’d settle down somewhere. Maybe it would be on the coast in Nice or in the mountains in Austria. Or maybe, when the time came, I’d end up back in Rockdale after all. I doubted it, but I’d learned never to say never.
I’d figure it out when I got there, but I wasn’t there yet. So for now, I turned around and went back to my not-so-amazing life, bringing my heavy heart with me.
34
EMMA
Back home, it felt better to sleep in my own bed, cook in my kitchen, water my own garden, and do all the other things that were part of my daily routine. I’d fallen back into it without skipping a beat, but I still missed Colt something terrible. It hurt all day, every day to be without him, a dull pain in my heart that was a constant reminder of what I’d lost.
A few days after I got home, I’d received a postcard I’d sent myself from Paris, and as soon as I saw it, I’d started crying my eyes out all over again. Colt had snuck in while I’d been addressing it, and he’d plucked the pen out of my hand and written a note at the bottom about how I was the most beautiful girl in Paris.
Since it seemed like I had a bit of a problem letting go of him, I’d stuck the postcard on my fridge instead of throwing it out, and now every time I wanted a snack or had to prepare a meal, I was confronted by it. Day after day, I promised myself I’d take it down and toss it in the garbage where it belonged—right next to the rest of my dreams about our relationship.
Yet day after day, I looked at it and decided I’d chuck it out the next day. I was a hopeless case, but just because I’d come home and was back in Rockdale now didn’t mean I could just forget about him.
He’d lived in my heart so long, and during our time together, I’d more than figured out why. When we’d been good together. We’d been real good. So good that it had truly felt like I’d hung on to my crush for so long because he was the one I was meant to be with. Colt completed me, he challenged me, and for the most part, he supported me.
It had made me wonder so many times if we could’ve done anything differently. If there had been a realistic option we’d overlooked that we might’ve explored in order to stay together. If there was, though, I still hadn’t thought of it.
Neither of us had been willing to give up our life for the other, and our lifestyles were mutually exclusive. We couldn’t be homebodies in Rockdale and an international power couple at the same time. The only other option would’ve been to have tried a long-distance relationship, but I’d dismissed it out of hand for being unrealistic.
Colt was on the move all the time, on the other side of the world. It wasn’t like he could fly in for a weekend every once in a while. Once the semester started again, the next real break I’d have that would be long enough to go see him was Christmas.
Summer holidays and December breaks didn’t really make for a viable relationship to me, not with the kind of life I wanted, which was traditional, sure, but I wouldn’t apologize for wanting to live in the same house as my husband one day and raising our children together and on the same continent.
Colt didn’t even really live in the states anymore. It wasn’t like he’d come home for a few months after every project or anything like that. In fact, he didn’t really live anywhere anymore.
I tipped my head back and let the sun wash over my face, tuning out my thoughts and in to the sound of the children playing around me. As soon as I’d gotten back home, I’d decided to volunteer for the rest of the summer before classes resumed again.
The program I worked with every year was run by the local parks department and involved a day camp of sorts at a park not too far away from my house. I was with the younger children, leading them in games and telling stories. I loved it, but it was bittersweet.
I dropped my head again and looked across the playground where the kids were enjoying some free time at the end of the day. My heart gave yet another painful throb. One of the things I wanted more than anything else was a family, a couple of children just like the ones I was working with and the ones in my school, but in order to have that, I needed a man and there was no one on the horizon.
All these years, I’d been holding out for a hero. He existed, but he just wasn’t interested in beingmyhero. At the end of the day, it was time for me to finally move on from Colt. For real this time. For really real.
