Page 43 of Hiding In the Dark (The Righteous 4)
“Oh my god, oh my god, don’t panic. Just breathe.” Ashley clamped her eyes shut even though it didn’t matter if they were open or closed. It was pitch black regardless, but that way, it felt like the darkness was controlled. Her heart was hammering like a drum in her chest and a sharp pain started, making her feel like she was having a heart attack. She gasped as she tried to draw a deep breath, but it was like she couldn’t suck in any air. Tears streamed shamefully down her cheeks as the panic she was trying to hold back gripped her throat a little tighter.
“Breathe in, breathe out,” she whispered softly, but the words were reduced to incoherent blubbering as she lashed out at the door with her hands and feet until she could barely stand because her muscles felt so weak. Her right hand seized up, a radiating pain shooting up her arm as the fingers ceased to work properly. She clenched the towel, trying to keep it in place.
Her back slid down as far as she was able to in the small space as she dropped her head forward, the terror making her lightheaded.
“I can’t pass out, don’t pass out.” Her muscles were full-on spasming, and she cried out as the debilitating agony coursed through her body like a steady throbbing.
By the time Kes returned, her feet were numb. Her entire body was shivering from the cold and fear. She was able to register the light coming on but couldn’t bring herself to be hopeful. Arm shaking, she gripped the damp towel around her body, unsure if her limbs would move if asked.
“Shit, Ashley. I didn’t mean to leave you in there so long,” Kes said, the lock rattling.
Her eyes flicked up as the door was opened. Kes stood in her way, the look of worry barely registering as her body was gripped with the overwhelming urge to run. Leaping from the cramped space, she slammed into Kes, forcing him to step back and land on his ass on the bench.
She turned and bolted for the door, not caring that she was only in a towel and her feet were bare.
“Ashley, come back,” Kes yelled, but she kept running. Tripping over her cramping legs, she hit the ground with force, knocking the air out of her lungs, but even that didn’t stop her. She stumbled to her feet and ran like a bear was on her ass. She could hear Kes chasing her, and it might as well have been a bear. She slammed her body into the door leading outside and took off into the night for the only safe place she knew, and that was home. Rocks bit into her feet and the towel whipped open, giving everyone she passed a show, but none of it mattered. She was done, she couldn’t take it anymore.
Kes Reynolds had won.
“Are you okay?” Ashley jerked with the sound of Kes’s voice. She quickly wiped at the tears running down her face as she nodded, plastering a fake smile on her face.
“Yeah, I’m fine.” She stood from the stool and busied herself with making a comfort drink. Grabbing the can of hot chocolate, she pulled down one cup and froze as hands rested on her hips.
“You’re not fine. What’s wrong?”
“I’ll be fine, just a bad memory. Did you want some hot chocolate?” She didn’t believe herself and knew Kes wouldn’t either. She tried to resist as he used her hips to slowly turn her to face him.
In her haste to look away, she hadn’t noticed he was only wearing a towel around his waist. She should’ve known that would happen. It wasn’t like she’d offered him any of her way-too-tiny clothes to put on. Water droplets were still clinging to his body, and she couldn’t help but watch a particularly naughty droplet as it slid down his rock-hard abs to disappear behind the towel. She’d never wanted to be a towel so bad in her life. Tattoos traveled down the left side of his body, and his chest had a freakish-looking reaper as the centerpiece, but even that didn’t deter her focus. Nope, instead, all she could think about was tracing every black line with her tongue. She pinched her leg hard, her nails digging in desperately, trying to kick her brain back into gear. He took another step toward her, and she heard her own intake of breath as his shoulders flexed. The single light that was on over her stove only dimly lit up the room, casting deep shadows along his body, but there was no denying that he was no longer the boy from her high school fantasies. Kes as a man was so much more than she could’ve imagined.
As her eyes traveled up his strong legs, the towel cutting off her view, she licked her lips, her mouth going completely dry. He took another small step like he was gauging if she would run, but he need not have worried there—her feet were glued in place. She didn’t think her legs would work even if she wanted to bolt.
“Oh my god, what happened,” she asked as he stepped further into the light. Her hand instinctively reached for Kes’s right arm and the side of his body, where a large area of skin was mottled with scarring that didn’t quite match the rest of his smooth perfection. She ran her fingers softly over an area that didn’t look like the rest of his skin, and yet it somehow made him more perfect, more human, more everything. Ashley’s eyes flicked up into his intense amber stare.
“You answer my questions. I’ll answer yours.”
She didn’t think she could hate herself any more, but as he reached out, his hand gently caressing the base of her neck before his fingers ran through her hair, she could feel her tough resolve slipping away. Ashley covered her mouth and looked away from him. She was going to have a full breakdown, and he’d enjoy that way too much.
Clearing her throat, she forced herself to look him in the eyes. “I was remembering the night of the championship game.”
There was no need to elaborate. They both knew which night she meant. His face was as serious as she’d ever seen as he picked up her hand and laid it over his heart.
“You will never know how much I’m simultaneously ashamed of that night and what I did to you while also happy that I did it.” She glared at him and tried to pull her hand away from his chest, but he held it firm. “I’m happy because it was the first night I realized that what I was doing had gone too far—that what I had been doing surpassed teasing or…” He swallowed hard and took a deep breath. “Or, doing it just to see if I could get a rise out of you, or make you as miserable as I felt. I know this is going to sound dumb, but at the time, your resilience made me angry, because I was weak and I had none where my father was concerned. I know how this sounds, and I wish I could try and explain it better than this, but on some level I’d found a way to believe you were okay with it. Like you understood that under it all I actually liked you.”
She shook her head in disbelief and yet ironically, she believed him. “The night of the championships there was this look in your eye and it all clicked that what I’d been doing had been hurting you, like actually hurting. I crossed a major line that night, and I had to look myself in the mirror and deal with the knowledge of my actions. The image of you running from me, the look of sheer terror in your eyes, was seared into my mind.” She could feel the tears stinging the backs of her eyes again and was shocked when Kes reached out and wiped away a stray tear that was slipping down her cheek. “I’m sorry for that night, but I’m also sorry for so much more that I can’t take back. I was an asshole because I thought I needed to be. I liked you, and I thought I could never have you.”
“You make no sense, Kes.”
Kes leaned down and placed a soft kiss on her forehead. “There is so much to explain, but for now, just know that I’m sorry more than I can put into words that I ever hurt you.”
“Why did you leave me alone at prom? Will you tell me that? Why did you convince me that you’d changed only to crush me all over again? I can’t even tell you what that did to me.” She tapped her head and rubbed at the old pain in her chest. “I was broken, Kes. You broke me again, and I kept asking myself, ‘why me,’ what the hell was wrong with me? What did I do to you that you hated me that much?” She hated to cry in front of him, to give him her tears, but the waterworks were in full effect the moment he pulled her into his arms and held her. She was so weak—she wanted him, even after all he’d done, and she couldn’t deny that she’d fallen in love with him years ago and the emotion had been tampered but never burned out. It was just dimmed for a while, but it was blazing strong tonight.
“I’m so sorry,” he mumbled into the top of her head over and over until the tears slowed. Ashley clung to his hard body like he might disappear again if she let go. “The night of prom, I got dressed to pick you up, but when I got to the living room, my father was uncharacteristically home from the office. He came over to me. At first, I thought he was going to congratulate me or tell me to have a good time. I was stupid to get my hopes up like that, the man never said a word to me that wasn’t intended to cut me emotionally, so why I even thought it was a possibility, I don’t know. Instead, he said, ‘I got a call from one of your friends. They are concerned that you’re heading down an embarrassing path.’” Kes paused, and she listened to his heartbeat under her ear as she waited for him to continue. “He didn’t have to tell me who called—Vanessa, the cheerleader I’d broken up with, was livid when I told her that I planned on taking you to prom. It was something she had done just to ruin my night. God, I hated that life. Always keeping up appearances, always hanging out with the right people, wearing the perfect clothes, and sucking up to all the people my father considered worthy. Everyone was always so manipulative and deceiving, it was a terrible way to live. To never be yourself, feel like you can be yourself, it does something to you.” He took a deep breath and rubbed a circle into her back, his hand so warm on her skin. “It doesn’t excuse what I did to you, but….”
Kes pulled back, and she looked up into his earnest expression. It was the first time she’d heard him say how much he hated his life. She’d always assumed it had been sunshine and rainbows being a Reynolds’ man—the world dished out on a silver platter for the taking. He ran his thumb over her bottom lip, and she was tempted to suck it into her mouth, but she needed to know what had happened that night.
“I told him I was going to prom, and he couldn’t stop me. I marched to the kitchen and grabbed the keys off the counter, and my father grabbed me by the jacket and hauled me back.” He rubbed a hand over his face, a deep sigh leaving his body. “We argued, and it got heated. I told him I was done pretending to be someone I wasn’t, and he was having none of it. When I went to leave again, he grabbed my arm. I lost my temper. I punched him so hard, Ashley. There was blood everywhere—I broke his nose and cracked his jaw. In a rage, I went for him again. There was so much pent up emotion, and by that time, my mother had called for the security. It took three of them to pull me off him. I think I would’ve killed him if they hadn’t been there. I barely remember my fists hitting him over and over.”
“Oh my god, Kes.”
