Page 55 of He Has Game (Boston Brawlers Hockey)
Chapter 14
Finn
The last game of the season portends good things for the playoffs as I skate out of the nets to meet my teammates with the roar of the crowd cheering us on, adding fuel to our elation. In the crush of bodies I get as many hugs and taps as I give for my teammates like we’re brothers in arms and we just won the battle of our lives. Maybe we did.
We’re not soldiers, but we fought for our fans and they appreciate it like we’re winning the battle against any injustice or meaninglessness or dissatisfaction in their lives, rising to the occasion and beating an opponent on a playing field of ice where measuring the wins and losses is black and white and the scores well defined against the blurry background of reality.
I can’t help these moments of philosophical clarity any more than I despise them. And in the next moment when my gaze flicks to the stands to search for her face, to see Vivvie, I despise myself all the more.
What the fuck am I doing with her? Since I can’t possibly be serious about her unless you count the need to squeeze every last decent ounce of loving from her that I can before I leave her dry, to soak in all the caring she can spare and take it selfishly without giving her more than my lust and endless orgasms because that’s all I have as a husked out shell. The shell my mother created.
The shell I never bothered filling in with the emotions I bury. Fuck if my conscience doesn’t still work.
Jarring me from my thoughts amid the chaos of celebration, a couple of guys lift me into the air onto their shoulders as we skate for the bench. The crowd roars louder and my eyes find her. Vivvie is standing, arms up and jumping up and down, alternately hugging her friend Grace and… fuck. She’s sitting with my mother. And they’re hugging each other.
Outrage and fear fill me with the possibility of my mother contaminating the most innocent precious person I know. It’s irrational, I know, but so elemental that it’s unpreventable.
After the game, I get dressed in record time. Ironically, no one else on the team is in a hurry because there’s no after game outing tonight. Not drinking anyway. Everyone to a man, including the coaches has agreed that we’ll go home after each game or for a quiet dinner at the most and then get to bed early to rest. After the afternoon games, coach has scheduled film sessions. We’re in self-imposed lockdown for the duration, vowing to concentrate our attention on hockey only. A couple of the guys with kids have moved out of their house and into a hotel for the playoff run.
Vivvie knows this and knows that we won’t be seeing each other after tonight’s dinner with my mother and Mary. If she didn’t strong arm me, no way would I be trying to choke down dinner with my mother. The rest of the playoffs, all Vivvie and I will have is a few minutes to catch up after the post-game press conference and before I go home, a small space of time and in public. Like with everything else, she’s being a trooper about this. For me, it’s a much-needed break to take a giant step back from her orbit.
Because truthfully, when I woke up in the morning with her in my arms after that night together, I was confused as fuck. So now that I’m done with my round of press duty, I send her a text to have her meet me in the parking garage near my car. Alone. I tell her to have Mary take my mother to the restaurant. No way I’m having this conversation with Vivvie in front of my mother.
Pushing through the door to the garage, I see her pacing around behind my car parked twenty yards to the left, her boots echoing loudly. Fuck. She’s nervous already and I haven’t said a word. Maybe she knows why I want to talk to her.
Feeling like I have a cannonball sitting in my stomach, I walk to her and she stops her pacing to watch me. I click the doors open and say, “Get inside.”
She gets in without saying a word and my chest tightens as my heart slams against my ribs in protest and my dick is nowhere to be found, hiding away uninterested. This is a first. Fuck. I haven’t even said a word to her yet and everything in me is withdrawing, pushing her away. Maybe my mother forced her into a hug—but no, because she looked fucking happy. She looked like Caroline’s best friend.And where does that leave me?
I get in the car, slide into the driver’s seat and pull the door closed. Fully ensconced in the small space with her I breath in her scent, take in her presence, her energy. She examines the dashboard as if it has something to say, as if she’s avoiding looking at me.
“What did you need to talk to me about?” she says. There’s a tremor in her voice and I can’t stand it.
“Look at me Vivvie.” Normally I’d take her chin in my hand and turn her head. Hell, normally I’d take her whole body in my arms and kiss her silly by now. But the sizzle of dread, of the impending disappointment has me by the balls, has me too tight to touch her.
She turns to look at me, her eyes wide and earnest, same as always. I don’t see guilt, but I see heart-breaking sadness.
“Why were you sitting with my mother, hugging her like you’re best friends at the end of the game?”You didn’t even notice me looking at you, didn’t observe our end-of-game ritual. ButI can’t confess my disappointment about this, don’t even want to think about it or how it makes me feel.
“Is that what this is about?” She sounds hopeful and that puzzles me. Her lack of guilt puzzles me more.
“Maybe you don’t understand. My mother is my enemy,” I spell it out. After I unloaded all the secrets of my past on her, I can’t believe Vivvie doesn’t see it, doesn’t treat my mother like the poison she is. “How could you hug her, celebrate with her like she’s a friend?”
She stares at me, a look of surprise and then horror form on her face, but she says nothing. I take a deep breath and tamp down the emotions, try and get my crazed heart under control as it beats furiously like I’m facing down a penalty shot.
“She’s not your enemy, Finn.”
“She sure as fuck is, Vivvie.” My voice gets loud and outrage closes in on me. “Don’t tell me. Did you forget everything I told you about her?”
“No, I didn’t forget.” Her voice rises to meet mine and she leans close when I thought she would shrink to the corner. Instead she reaches out and touches her hand to my face in a light disarming caress. I feel my anger receding instantly, but I can’t let go because this feels like life and death to me, like a matter of survival. My heart’s survival. But that makes no sense.
So what if Vivvie betrays me? She’s not mine. Not for real.
“Your mother loves you, Finn. She’s standing up for you against Sherry.”
“What are you talking about?”
“She told me she has a plan to deal with Sherry.”
