Page 27 of Then and Now (The Edge of Retaliation 3)
He walks me back to where Mrs. Yates is still crying, her head in her hands, her whole body shaking. I stop walking and look to Tanner. “She needs you more than I do right now. I’ll go to the bathroom and clean myself up. Help her.”
He looks at me, the pain in his eyes breaking my heart. I’m causing this pain. I’m making things harder for him. He’s torn between two worlds right now, and I’m right in the middle, making it so much worse.
“You’re hurt and upset,” he says, his voice thick.
“She’s more hurt, and more upset. I’ll go calm down and clean up. Please, help her.”
I turn and walk off, not giving him another option. He lets me go, and I’m kind of thankful because right now, I’m in a bad way.
I head to the bathroom and step inside, closing the door and locking it. I find an old towel in the cupboard and wrap it around my hand, knowing I’ll have to buy them another one but I don’t have anything else to use that won’t make a big mess. Then, with an exhale that I feel to the very depths of my soul, I slide down the wall and drop my head, letting the tears continue to flow.
I cry like that for a good twenty minutes, letting my body tremble and my heart ache the way it needs to. Then, I push to my feet and look into the mirror a my red blotchy face and my swollen eyes. I look horrible. I wash my face with my one good hand and then I unravel the other one and assess the damage. The cut is quite deep, but not enough for stitches, at least, I don’t think it is. I wash it and then wrap it back up before heading out to the living area again.
I’m halfway down the hall when I hear Tanner talking to his mother, and I stop, listening.
I know I shouldn’t, I know this is their time, but my curiosity is stronger than I am right now.
“You tormented her, to seek revenge?” Mrs. Yates asks. “Tanner, I raised you so much better than that.”
“I was dyin’ without Celia, was so fuckin’ broken. I wasn’t thinkin’ straight and I wanted Callie to suffer for what she had done. I knew no better, I wanted to make her feel a fraction of what I was feelin’. What we were all feelin’.”
My heart still twists violently at the memory of what Tanner was doing to me. Will it ever stop hurting? Will I ever think about it and not feel so damned broken inside? What he did, it still burns me to my core. I don’t know if that’s healthy, or if it’ll just fade with time, but I do know that remembering it bothers me deeply.
“Tanner,” she whispers. “That’s not right.”
“No, you’re right, it isn’t. When I found out what really happened to Celia, things were fuckin’ hard. I was all over the place, still am. My mind spins when I think about it, everythin’ fuckin’ hurts. But Callie isn’t to blame, and I owed it to her to help her find Chase and bring him home to face what he did.”
“You and Callie are in a relationship?” Mrs. Yates asks.
“No, we’re not, but I care about her. I do, Mom. She’s a fuckin’ strong woman and she opened my eyes to a lot.”
“You’re playing with fire, Tanner. You have to know that.”
My stomach clenches.
“It’s not goin’ to be easy, but she matters to me.”
“I know that, but you have to know there is too much water under the bridge now for you two to have a healthy relationship. She hit your sister and killed her, maybe Celia did want that, but it happened all the same. You tormented her for it. How can you build trust and love, off such broken foundations?”
I close my eyes, my heart racing.
Is she right?
Of course she’s right.
“It’ll take time, but we’ll get through it,” Tanner goes on, but his voice is hesitant, I can hear it.
“Will you? Will you ever truly forgive her? Will she ever truly forgive you? You’re lying to yourself, son, and I love you enough to not want any more hurt in your life. Time heals nothing, Celia’s death has shown us that. It hurts, and it’ll always hurt. When the feelings become normal, and life takes over, can you honestly tell me you can look at her and not hold resentment, even the smallest amount?”
Tanner goes silent.
His answer.
I know it, even if he doesn’t.
My heart feels like it’s going to launch from my chest. My legs feel like they’re going to give way on me. Everything hurts, everything fucking hurts. I can’t breathe. I can’t take it anymore. I walk out into the living area, straight past them, stopping them mid conversation, and I grab my things. “I need to leave,” I whisper, my head down. “I’ll get you another towel, Mrs. Yates.”
