It took more effort than I knew I was capable of to let go of her neck.
The world owes me nothing.
As I stood from my seat, it was as if I were rising into a fire. The smoke and blistering reality stole my breath.
I was dying as I turned away from her. With every step of distance I put between us, my bones crushed and my muscles seized in protest.
My heart was still back at the bar, so I didn’t feel that fool at all.
I was in agony by the time I reached my room. The only solace I could find was that she wasn’t hurting anymore. That had always been the goal, right?
But fucking hell, I was getting tired of always being the sacrifice.
Remi
Through tears, I watched until he got on the elevator. Everything inside me screamed to chase after him, drop to my knees, and make him stay. I knew seeing him again would be hard; it was why I’d stayed so late at the ghost town of a luau. I couldn’t chance another ride on the emotional rollercoaster express.
I’d tossed and turned all night, my heart feeling like a magnet had been implanted in my chest. With him just down the hall, my pull to him was so overwhelming I couldn’t convince myself to think about anything else.
I’d successfully avoided him for four months, but now I couldn’t walk to my room without seeing him. Nor did I want to. That was the worst of it: knowing we were both so miserable. At least at home, I could pretend he was laughing and smiling with his family, playing with Clyde in the backyard, or just living his best life in general.
The ugly truth was: He wasn’t.
Shit. Even I’d become good at lying to myself.
Logically, I knew he was still hurting, just like I was. Seeing him up close and personal was a different kind of pain though. I couldn’t heal myself and him at the same time. That didn’t keep me from wanting to.
He believed with his entire being we were meant to be together, and honestly, I didn’t have the energy to fight him anymore. But the whole reason I’d left was so the bitterness and resentment brewing inside me wouldn’t ruin us both.
From his lips, the story of how we’d met was sweet and romantic, and I’d cried because I longed to be able to remember it too. It was a part of my past but not part of who I’d become.
I hated that I’d lost such precious memories I could never get back.
I hated that Bowen had purposely kept them from me.
I hated that, at some point in time, I had been a woman who ordered a cosmo with sweet and sour and an orange twisty thing.
I mean, really. What the fuck was that?
Folding my arms across the bar, I rested my chin on top of them and stared at the ridiculous cocktail. “Who are you?” I whispered at the drink before quickly amending. “Who were you?”
A young female bartender appeared in front of me. “Been that kind of day, huh?”
My humility must have ridden the elevator to the fourth floor with my heart. “You have no idea.”
She tightened her long, brown ponytail like she was readying for a fight. “Do you need help? Is it that guy? Is he bothering you?” Her gaze darted around, and she hunched over the high counter to search for a villain.
I sat up. “No. Nothing like that. He’s quite possibly the most incredible man I’ve ever met. And now he’s gone.”
Her pretty face softened. “Damn. Married?”
“No. Though he did propose to me once. I just don’t remember it.”
Her eyebrows shot up her forehead.
I waved her off. “Long depressing story. Did he pay you for these drinks?”
“He did. Good looking and a good tipper. That, my friend, is a mythical feat when it comes to men.”
This chick was preaching to the Bowen Michaels Tabernacle Choir.
“How about one who saves your life multiple times, held your hand on a journey through hell, believes that you are his soul mate, and loves you unconditionally?” My voice cracked at the end as I barely held it together. I was really a wreck. North Carolina did not look good on me.
“Shit,” she breathed. “Do you need another drink? I gotta stay until we close at one. I’m happy to listen.”
“Thanks. I think I’m just going to head to bed. It’s too much to tell, and I only know bits and pieces of it anyway.”
Her brow furrowed; no doubt she was just as confused as I was. “Okay, then answer me this. If he’s such a great guy, why are you sitting down here, crying alone? And why the hell are you calling it a night so early?”
Now that I could answer. “Because I don’t know who I am when I look in the mirror.”
