I move over to my dresser, dragging the drawer open and finding a plastic bag with all the loose items from inside. There’s a condom there, one that I got during sex ed last year. There’s also a yellow sticky note stuck to it that I didn’t notice before.
I pull it out and nearly lose my shit when I read it.
Make safe and comfortable choices. I love you, Grandma Carmen
Closing my eyes, I let my head fall back and allow the emotions to run wild through me.
Safe and comfortable choices. It was a safe and comfortable choice when I was with Parrish. Chasm and I … I wanted that even if it was wrong, even if I refused to admit it.
Maxx … If he didn’t belong to my sister, I might’ve made this choice long-ago. I might’ve asked him out at the coffee shop. Might’ve dated him. Might’ve chosen to do this all on my own. Even now, my body reacts when I think about what I’m supposed to do, and I feel sick.
I’m not going to hate this, just as I didn’t hate it with Chasm.
That’s the worst part.
With soft footsteps, I pad into the hallway, testing Parrish’s door to see if it’s unlocked.
It is.
Whether because Maxx knows that locking the door is pointless against the Slayer or because he left it open in case I needed something, I’m not sure. I move into the room as quietly as I can, and then I pause beside the bed.
He’s asleep, shirtless and only half-covered by the blankets. With gentle fingers, I reach out and brush some of his dark hair back from his forehead. He stirs, but only a little, sighing and turning his head before falling fast asleep.
I put my phone on Parrish’s desk, positioning it in such a way that I know we’ll be seen enough for this to count, but not so much that I won’t be able to go through with it. I get that Justin doesn’t watch the videos himself, and he says that Mr. Volli doesn’t get off on them, but … it’s still horrible.
It’s horrible, and it shouldn’t be.
This should be fun.
It should be …
I move back to the bed, climbing in beside Maxx and lying on my back so that I can look up at the glow-in-the-dark stars on the ceiling. He stirs again, rolling over and wrapping an arm around me.
Almost immediately, his body stiffens and he sits up in alarm, blinking through the hazy gloom at me.
“Kota?” he asks as I keep my gaze on the ceiling. “Are you okay? Did something happen?”
I close my eyes and breathe in his comforting scent, squeezing the condom in my right hand.
“Yes,” I say as he stares down at me in the dark, his face a shadow amongst shadows. “But don’t worry, it’ll be okay.” I turn over and then sit up. Before I can stop myself, I reach up with my right hand, sliding my fingers along his chiseled jaw in a way that I’ve wanted to since I first saw in him in line at the coffee shop.
I’m leaning forward for a kiss when X grabs my wrist in a firm grip and draws away from me.
“What are you doing?” he asks, alarm clear in his voice. “We just talked about this. I can’t, Kota. We can never be anything more than friends. You said you understood that.”
I take the condom and press it into his hand. He looks down at it and then up at me.
“Fuck.” Just that one word, as pretty falling from his lips as it is from Chasm’s. “What are you even doing? I told you: I’m saving it until engagement—”
“You shouldn’t have hit Justin,” I tell him, dropping my hand to my lap. “You really shouldn’t have done that.”
Maxx squeezes the condom in his hand, sitting beside me in silence. I can feel the tension between us, this sticky, hot longing that’s so taboo that I can barely put a name to it. Sleeping with my stepbrother was one thing. His best friend, another. This is … something different altogether.
“Tell me,” he commands as I look away, toward the phone on Parrish’s desk. Is Justin listening even now? How much time do we have? Not a lot, considering I came in here with about an hour to spare.
“Justin knows that your virginity is important to you. He said you took something from him today, and he wants something in return.” I look back at Maxx and, even though it’s dark, I can see enough of his face to watch as it falls to devastation. “You heard him: I need to choose my pawns carefully, control my own pieces on the board.”
“No,” Maxx breathes, and then he’s throwing his feet off the bed and standing. I watch as he storms around the foot of the bed to grab my phone. He comes right over to me, grabbing my hand and pressing my finger against the scanner to unlock it. This time, I don’t fight him. I just let him do it.
