Page 79 of The Lockdown Mann

Des sobers then, staring down at me. “Seriously, though…was it what you were hoping for?”

“Even better,” I admit, too many emotions swirling around inside me to be able to focus on any one of them.

“I’ll be right back.” He kisses me, then goes into the bathroom, closing the door behind him. I hear water running, and a few minutes later, he comes out, cleaned off, wearing a durag on his head and carrying a washcloth. “Let’s get you cleaned up.”

I lie here, watching Des take care of me, heart pounding against my chest, and wondering how I could have fucked up so completely.

As great as this was, it will never be enough with Des.

I want it all.

I want him.

There is no falling for Desmond Jackson, just fallen. I’m already there, maybe I’ve always been there, and there’s nothing I can do about it.

CHAPTER TWENTY-SIX

Desmond

I climb into bed with Oak, after cleaning the cum off his stomach and the lube off his ass, trying to get my head on straight. No matter how many times I tell myself this thing with Oakley is just about sex and experience, I can’t get my heart on board. And that’s scary as fuck. I’ve had two broken hearts in my life—him at sixteen and then Kane—but somehow, despite the limited time I was with Oak, that pain had been deeper, realer. The nerves are still raw from it, and as much as I’ve tried not to put myself into a situation for him to break my heart again, I know he’s going to.

Oakley wraps an arm around me, pulling me close. My head rests on his shoulder, hand on his chest, as I play with his nipple and his fingers brush against my skin.

“I’m definitely going to want you to do that again,” he says, voice thick and husky.

See? Sex, sex, sex. “I can do that.”

There’s a sharpness to my voice that even I can hear, one that I didn’t anticipate coming out, and I wince.

“What’s wrong?” Oakley asks.

“Nothing.”

“Des.”

“I’m good, Oak.”

“Was that not okay for you?” he asks. “Or…shit. I’m not assuming there will be another time. We’re not in a relationship. I understand what this is.”

His words sound harsher to my ears than I figure they’re supposed to. And I get that I have no right to be upset with him. We made an agreement going into this. It’s not his fault I caught feelings, that he’s always found places inside me that no one else can reach, that are only there for him.

“I know you don’t do relationships.”

I’m ruining what was a perfect moment. Oakley let me inside him, and it was everything I wanted it to be. I get that my emotions are taking over, that he’s only going off what he knows of me, what I’ve told him, but hearing him say that is like a slap in the face.

Because of course I could never be serious about anyone. Of course I don’t have it in me. That’s what everyone thinks of me, right?

“Just because I haven’t spent my whole life with one person doesn’t mean I don’t do relationships, man. Not everyone is as good as you.” I sit up on the edge of the bed, leg bouncing.

“You’ve said that yourself, and what the fuck is that supposed to mean?” Oakley asks, hurt and anger in his tone. “And obviously I haven’t only been with one person. I’m here with you. I was with you when I was sixteen.”

“But I wasn’t enough for you!” bursts out of my mouth as I push to my feet. My voice comes out softer when I add, “Just like I wasn’t enough for Kane! Did you ever think that it’s not me who doesn’t do relationships, but relationships that don’t do me?”

He frowns, studying me, but doesn’t speak right away. I’m breathing heavily, heart racing, the damn thing pounding against my chest.

“Des.” My name is said so softly, with so much emotion, I nearly collapse. “What do you mean you weren’t enough for me?” Oakley gets off the bed, slowly stepping toward me. “It wasn’t that. You know it wasn’t that. My mom had left. Ree was pregnant. I had to try. You know I had to try.”

The thing is, I do know it. It shows the kind of stand-up man he is. Oakley would never have just walked away from Serena. He always had to try to give his daughter the kind of life he’d wanted too. I would have done the same thing in his situation, but sometimes the heart and the mind don’t always link up.