Page 87 of ReTreat Yourself

Oliver has the decency not to look my way as she continues ardently, ‘You will lorve it because he is by the pool, not wearing his⁠—’

‘Right… right… yes. Wendy, the Zoom lady. Excellent work, you two. Carry on! Carry on!’ I yell, grabbing Oliver’s hand and whisking him down the hall to my office.

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‘It feels like yesterday that we were being hurled around in that campervan,’ Oliver says as he drives me in his incredibly fancy car, up through the forests towards the retreat. ‘I’m a bit nervous about seeing Endless Cloud and Starbeam Night Sky, are you?’

I nod, not looking forward to it one little bit. ‘I owe them a proper apology for being such a hot mess. I hope they forgive us.’ I glance over my shoulder to the peace offering Oliver and I picked up for them. Bottles of wine, cheese and a bunch of dried sage tied neatly with a ribbon and little card saying ‘sorry’.

‘I was as bad as you,’ Oliver says. ‘Maybe we should come back here for a few days. I hear they do a resentment cleanse.’ He gives a mock chortle.

He is referring to his board of wankers. It has not been a clean break and may be ongoing for some time.

‘Don’t worry. I’ll help you resolve those issues and build your new company into something you can feel really proud of,’ I reassure him.

‘Looking forward to it.’ He turns to give me a grateful smile. ‘Sorry, I might not make the coach trip tomorrow. I’ll try but I’m needed to sign papers in Madrid.’ He looks genuinely gutted. ‘So, tell me all about this app idea of yours.’

Oh dear. He has opened the floodgates.

‘It’s a new life-coaching service aimed at creating bite-sized sessions for people who want a healthier existence either at work or in their personal lives. The app will keep clients on track, keep them inspired and also make it super easy to book another session, either online or face to face,’ I gush while he’s navigating the hairpin bends. ‘We’ve called it The Law of Attraction – how to get everything you want.’

‘I’m feeling the Law of Attraction right now,’ Oliver says, swinging in through the retreat gates, causing the temperature in the car to rise substantially.

‘Do please behave professionally,’ I reprimand jokily as we walk to reception with the gift bags. ‘After all, they don’t know we are a coup… erm, I mean acquaintances in a professional capacity.’

Gaaah! I almost said a couple. Thank goodness I stopped myself in time. I’d hate for Oliver to think I’m jumping ahead. After all, he did once refer to us as ‘fooling around’.

Oliver’s smile leaves his face as he gently takes my hand. ‘I’m sorry I ever referred to us as fooling around. I panicked. I wanted to see you, and I came over as a little obnoxious.’

‘Oh, thank God for that,’ I say, grinning. ‘You were beginning to become unbearably perfect.’

Oliver’s eyes widen with mischief. It’s as though I can’t say a single thing without arousing him. I have never felt more desirable in my life. It’s thrilling. He leans down to kiss me, slowly sliding his lips over mine. It has the effect of a sugar-rush and has me tingling from top to toe.

‘But if you do get the urge to “fool around” I know a place that’s great for Tree Tickling,’ he murmurs in my ear.

I am immediately transported back to the clearing in the forest. So much has happened in such a short time since then. I take a beat to marvel at how quickly you can turn your life around with the right mindset and just a bit of courage to embrace change.

‘Aah, we knew you two would be couple. Lovely couple,’ Endless Cloud greets us, floating with open arms over to where we are standing.

‘Yah, favourite naughty couple,’ agrees Starbeam Night Sky, aka Gandalf, wafting in through the patio doors. ‘Feel zee energies. Beautiful energies you heff. Powerful aura.’

I am somewhat taken aback as to why they are not annoyed with me. I hold out the basket of goodies. ‘We brought these to say sorry.’

‘Anger doesn’t solve anyzing but it can destroy everyzing,’ Gandalf says, reading my mind. ‘Now come. Vee are wery excited to do zis ewent tomorrow. But first, vot are your zoughts on doing a communal scream ven your clients arrive? Zen vee do group psychic hendshake.’

They both look stoned off their tits.

‘A psychic handshake sounds great,’ says Oliver.

‘And anything to do with the Law of Attraction,’ I add. ‘We want our clients to understand that their positive thoughts and actions and the energy they put out into the universe will come back to them.’

The two warlocks give me a proud look, like I’m a toddler doing my first big poo on a potty.

‘Perheps,’ says Gandalf, his hands palm up, ‘you vud honour us with some Gratitude Bathing? Ees like regifting your positive energy. A treat to yourself. A treat to our retreat.’ He closes his eyes. ‘Vee like to call it retreating yourself.’

‘Of course,’ I say, having no clue what they’re talking about. I really do need to work on those people-pleasing tendencies of mine. ‘I’d love to retreat myself.’

‘It’s probably like the Forest Bathing,’ whispers Oliver as we follow Gandalf over to the massage huts.