Page 37 of ReTreat Yourself

Sixty excruciating minutes later, I escort him out with a deadline to join a walking group and visit an outdoor gym before the business singles night, even though he didn’t express an interest in attending. I’m glad he didn’t make a fuss over the misunderstanding with the extra-large mint. By the way he is self-consciously wiping his hand over his hair, I suspect he will also take my advice on board to get a decent haircut. I make a mental note to work on his eagerness to draw a veil over bizarre encounters.

As soon as he’s out of the door, I turn to Maria-José-Inmaculada-Carmen. I watch her scurry to put down the Hola! magazine she has clearly been reading instead of working.

I take a deep calming breath. ‘You mentioned earlier that a woman named Ava called?’

Best not to fully commit to the lie until I know whether I can get away with it. I watch as she holds up her notepad and reads from it.

‘Your sister? Yes. Abba called to say that she has been made redundant. That she is having…’ Maria-José-Inmaculada-Carmen waves a Post-it at me, reading from it carefully. ‘…she is having a colossal quarter-life crisis and that she comes here to be life coach. She wants to know the name of website for quick qualify. Same as you have probably used, she says.’

Shitting hell.

I stare wide-eyed with disbelief at her, waiting for her to retract every evil word she has just articulately delivered. She stares boldly back and shows me her notepad.

‘Ava is coming here?’ I feel suddenly light-headed. ‘To Spain? To be a life coach?’

‘Yes. Same. As. You,’ she repeats unnecessarily slowly as if English has become my second language, not hers. I see she has even gone to the trouble of underlining the words. She points to them in case I simply can’t make them out.

‘And Google explained me that a quarter-life crisis involves anxiety over the direction and quality of one’s life. Is very common. Especially in thee UK. Is very fashionable on Instagram.’ Maria-José-Inmaculada-Carmen is looking very, very pleased with herself.

My scalp is on fire.

I scratch violently at it while we stare at each other.

‘Ava is coming here?’

Maybe she has misheard.

She nods solemnly. ‘She says she has experience of managing more than two hundred people over ten regional offices. She is coming to help you run your business. This business that you own. This one. Where I am sitting.’

I think I’m having an actual stroke.

I can either act surprised, as though these announcements of me having a sibling, a phoney baloney qualification and my new status as CEO are news to me and someone has hacked my social media, or I could come clean.

Or I could do neither.

15

I dart back to my office for a sit-down, tapping wildly on my third eye and my temples, whilst breathing deeply in through my nostrils to encourage a solution to present itself.

Bollocks. Bollocks. Bollocks.

I quickly reach for my phone and dial my mother to find out what is going on. How can Ava just assume she can have the exact same quarter-life crisis as me and expect me to be happy about it? I need to put a quick spanner in the works and stop it from happening. My mother takes an age to pick up.

‘Hello, darling,’ she answers smoothly. ‘I wondered how long it would take you to ring.’

‘Hello, Mother,’ I say flatly. ‘I’m guessing you have heard the news.’

‘Of course, darling,’ she says brightly, ‘it was my idea.’

‘What?’ I explode.

‘Well, you mentioned how great your job is going on Instagram and how brilliant it is to live out there, so I thought it would be perfect for your sister to come and do the same. While she’s looking for a proper job.’

Proper job?

My mother ignores my silence and carries on.

‘I mean, how hard can it be? Ava’s a very clever girl. She’s used to managing over two hundred people across ten regional offices, you know. I’m sure she can get the hang of being a life counsellor, no problem.’