Page 34 of Thin Ice

Surprise takes over me, but I do my best not to show it in my shoulders or body language. I don’t turn toward him, and I don’t answer, either, biting my tongue from saying, Now you want to talk?

He sighs loudly, but I still don’t turn. Seconds later, he steps to my side, his profile and masculine form appearing in my peripheral vision.

Noah crosses his arms over his chest and looks out at the desert, gaze following mine. A pause of weighted silence stretches before he speaks again.

“If you don’t want to talk, you don’t have to, but I told Quinn to give me a minute with you before she came in so that we could clear the air.”

I turn to face him, my lips pressed in a hard line. He doesn’t look down or away, keeping his eyes level with mine. He appears more at ease than he did before the break, though his skin is flushed a bit, and there’s a bead of sweat at his temple. It slides down the side of his face, stopping only when it hits the top of his beard line. The bead of salty liquid disappears into the dark-red hair.

When I don’t speak, he rubs his hand behind his neck before he fills the silence.

“Tell me to stop if you don’t want to listen, but I’m going to say this while I can.”

I should tell him to shut up, but I know this has to happen. We need to talk, and I’m shocked he’s the one who came to do it. Even more so because, for years, I’d secretly imagined him showing up to wherever I was and apologizing for all the things he said the last night we saw each other. Of course, he wasn’t married in those dreams of mine, and we weren’t at an intimacy retreat to save said marriage.

“I never thought we’d see each other again,” he says.

“Nor did I.”

Noah pauses at my sudden speech but collects himself enough to continue. “I know a lot went down between us when we were teens, and I can’t take back what happened. But I was young, and so were you.”

“Is that the excuse you’ve used all these years to feel better about yourself?”

Noah grits his teeth, arms flexing at his sides. “It’s not an excuse; it’s the truth.”

“Maybe so, but it doesn’t make it okay.”

He huffs. “I don’t know what you want me to say. We were basically kids, and our lives, our careers, were on the brink of starting. I know you understand that now. You have to, Beck.”

I almost shiver hearing him say my name. Even spoken in anger, it does things to me, and I want to forget all the years of pain he’s brought me and pull him into my arms, kiss him until we fuck all the hatred out of us—

But that isn’t going to happen. And that won’t solve any problems, only make them worse. He’s also right—we were young, and our lives were just beginning. I was just stupid enough to think we’d be beginning them together.

I inhale a long breath as I stare at him, making a choice that I thought I’d made years ago but went to shit the moment I discovered he was here: to move on. At least as best I can.

“I want you to say you’re sorry.”

He raises a thick auburn brow. “You’ll believe me if I do?”

“Are you sorry?”

“Of course I am, Beck. Jesus, I—” He kicks at a small rock near his foot before threading his fingers through his hair as if he wants to pull it out.

He struggles through whatever he’s thinking and feeling before he looks at me again, pain in his eyes. “I’ve always been sorry for how I broke things off with you. Even if you don’t believe me, I am.”

He pauses, and I know he wants me to speak, but I can’t find the words. I’ve imagined him apologizing for so long, and I don’t know how to feel. Relief isn’t the right word, but neither is happy.

Noah kicks another rock. “I just want us to move on now. I need to fix what I’ve broken with Quinn and let you get back to your life.” He swallows again before he finishes, “And we can get back to our lives.”

A new kind of pain lances through me. His words dash a hope I didn’t know had begun to burn, one where Noah was in my life again and things were…good. Not the fantasy I’d dreamt of once but at least a life where we weren’t full of hate or regret. Maybe one where we could be friends, even if I always knew that wasn’t possible. Noah and I could never just be friends.

“Will you say something?” he practically pleads.

I bring back the determination I felt in the bungalow with Quinn and Noah earlier, pushing away my personal emotions.

“Okay.”

“Okay?”