Page 64 of The Ninth

He didn’t say anything or move. I jumped from my seat, throwing my clothes and shoes back on before running out of the apartment. I dashed down the steps, through the lobby and out into the rain. By the time I stopped at a flowerpot, I collapsed onto it, drunk as fuck.

I folded my arms onto my legs while laying my head against them. Despite the cold rain beating down on me, my chest was hot and breathing short. My eyes squeezed tightly as I tried to keep from crying.

Fuck. I should’ve been left Juan alone. I should’ve never fucked with Juan. How the fuck am I going to let Juan go? Why would I let it get two months before his potential release and still be fucking with Juan? How fucking evil am I playing with this man’s heart when I know he loves me. When I know...

I instantly thought about the time he finally broke me down.

“Cassie. That nigga in a section asking for you specifically to bring him a bottle. You want me to kick him out?” Liv asked. She was concerned, thinking Juan was moving from a regular to a stalker.

I laughed, “Nah, he just wanna see what I’m on. I got him.”

I walked up to the section. He was sitting there alone, smoking a blunt. On the table sat four rolls of money. I folded my arms after sitting the bottle down.

“What you expect me to do for them? Because I ain’t doing shit!”

He chuckled, “I don’t expect you to do anything. I just wanted to see that face up close. It’s yours.”

“Why you still pressing?”

“Because I know what’s mine when I see it.”

I sat next to him. He offered me the blunt, but I declined. My chest rose as I let out a deep breath, slowly.

“I’m not yours. I have a man; he’s just in jail. You so fucking fine... I think about you and your smile often and I always feel guilty. But I’ve been alone for so long. If you can handle being a temporary thing until my man is coming home....I’ll fuck with you. I rub on my pussy thinking about fucking you. I don’t do that about any other man. I haven’t fucked anybody since he got buckled. I gotta have you.”

He yanked me onto his lap, sliding his hands over my ass.

“No feelings. No mess. No drama. You promise?”

“I swear to you...” he breathed against my neck.

That was the first and only time I ever been on a nigga or kissed one in that club. As soon as Juan kissed me, running his tongue down my neck, I knew I was addicted. After our kiss ended, he left abruptly. When I came out after work, he took me home to his place.

He fucked me like my nigga was never getting out. Like he didn’t care about the rules he agreed to. As if he had known me forever. And I let him. Encouraged him. Supported him. Like a fool.

My phone ringing caused me to raise my head. I pressed it to my ear after answering. It was sort of wet, so the buttons were acting crazy.

Me: Hello.

K3: What’s wrong, Crybaby?

Me: I just fucking love you. I miss you and I’m sorry for everything. I’m sorry for not listening and doing what you told me not to. I shouldn’t have put you in the position to do what you did or any position at all. Kenzo, I just hate it out here without you! My feelings hurt every single day. I’m so fucking stupid, I need you. I promise, Deddy. I promise I won’t go to any block parties. I won’t give a nigga the chance to approach and talk to me. No nigga has my time or heart but you. I don’t need to be out and in the mix. I’ll be home or working. I promise.

My drunk self rambled on and on. The apology was mixed. A part of me apologizing for not telling him about that gun shit. The other part apologizing for Juan. As much as dragging Juan into it hurt my feelings, what I was doing to my man hurt more. No amount of days or time with Juan could ever make me love K3 less or love Juan more. Or at all. I won’t allow it. I belong to Kenzo and Kenzo only.

He sighed, deeply.

K3: Where you at? You’ve been drinking?

Me: Yeah.

K3: Does Man-Man need to come get you?

I thought about it, genuinely. I’m fucked up.

Me: No, Deddy. I’ll get home.

K3: I love you, Cassandra. You know I hate hearing you cry. You’re my entire life. I would never place the wrongdoings of another man onto you. I just care about your safety. Your heart. Your happiness. I hold my breath every morning and every night until I know if you’re okay. We always gon be A1, Crybaby. You know I promised you my life.